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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP hates children

395 replies

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 23/07/2025 07:47

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

Oh boy, don’t you sound like an absolute delight and ironically, incredibly childish. You’ve clearly been bought up with zero manners or social skills. I really dislike cats, I’m allergic to them for one thing and generally, they are really not my cup of tea. However, my friends have them and I show an interest in them if they bring them up because I’m not an absolute twat.

KateMiskin · 23/07/2025 07:53

I know some people like this. Disliking children is their entire personality. Endless snide comments about parents, long diatribes about how they detest all children, making a fuss about even saying helllo to kids...
It's fucking boring. Children are people too. Nobody needs to have them or like them, but they should be treated with courtesy. I am not that interested in other people's kids but I can make an effort a few times a year.
Honestly, you would be much happier without your faux edgy partner. I think it's lovely that you are close to your nieces and nephews.
As for being revolted if your partner hugs a child, get a grip!

35965a · 23/07/2025 07:54

I find it quite scary how much some people hate children. The poster above is frightening. I get not liking them much, but the violent hatred some people have…imagine saying those things about any other ‘group.’ Like old people, or women for example.

Anyway OP if she won’t get therapy or at least try and get involved in family events without making it hard for you I’m not sure what else you can do but leave.

Imisscoffee2021 · 23/07/2025 07:56

She needs therapy, because she cannot "avenge" her mother by punishing people completely unrelated to that, including children. She's breathing life into past abuse and letting it infiltrate another persons life, and others too as its having an impact on your family.

I have a friend who dislikes children, and finds the idea of having them the most gross, bizarre, life limiting thing she can imagine. Even though she exists and lives her life because she was someone's child, she can't extrapolate her personal dislike from her world view, so she applies this to everyone, she pities those who have children with a smattering of disdain and doesn't engage with children if she can help it.

In her case, she has SEN, autism most likely and her opinions are life tenets in her thinking and she's very happy to voice them.

Is your partner like this with other things? Strong opinions upheld almost like universal truths?

Either way it doesn't sound like she's compatible to your family life and if you want to enjoy your family and the chikdren in your family going forward, you need to make a decision.

KateMiskin · 23/07/2025 07:57

It's projection sometimes. I remember a colleague saying to me quite nastily when I was pregnant " Well that's the end of your career." And other similar comments.
My career did take a dive for a few years. But it recovered.

OneLemonGuide · 23/07/2025 07:58

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Showerflowers · 23/07/2025 07:59

Hi op. You’ve almost perfectly described my sister.

my wonderful dsis doesn’t want children. Never has and never will. We had a pretty bad childhood and she has never liked getting involved in family events. This got worse when she met her partner. He too doesn’t want children. They have a lovely relationship but things became strained about a year into the relationship. She suddenly refused to be around children. No family events, didn’t want him going to see his family etc. and he threatened to leave her.

she was distraught and finally opened up to me about what was actually going on for her. She was terrified that her DP being around families/children would somehow make him feel like he was missing out, that he’d change his mind and want a family of his own. And she just could not give that to him ever.

she did open up to him after that and they married. But she’s still always got that worry that he will change his mind.

RenaissanceBaby · 23/07/2025 08:01

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

On one level I applaud you for your honesty, that can’t have been easy to write on a parenting forum where you know you’re going to get your arse handed to you on a plate. Psychology is fascinating.

On the other hand, it makes a chilling read. I only hope that you have full control over your feelings and actions enough to steer clear of any unsuspecting children crossing your path. Sudden violent urges or revulsion in response to seeing/hearing a child really does sound pathological.

TimeForTeaAndToast · 23/07/2025 08:05

I think you and she are just incompatible.

If you want to carry on with her, I'd just go to family events without her. Does it matter if your family will question why she isn't there? I certainly wouldn't badger her into going when she'll just spoil the event.

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 08:05

RenaissanceBaby · 23/07/2025 08:01

On one level I applaud you for your honesty, that can’t have been easy to write on a parenting forum where you know you’re going to get your arse handed to you on a plate. Psychology is fascinating.

On the other hand, it makes a chilling read. I only hope that you have full control over your feelings and actions enough to steer clear of any unsuspecting children crossing your path. Sudden violent urges or revulsion in response to seeing/hearing a child really does sound pathological.

Edited
Show quote history

I find it bizarre for her to even be on a forum that is primarily about parenting. Surely all the mentions of children would be too much for her.

RenaissanceBaby · 23/07/2025 08:05

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 08:05

I find it bizarre for her to even be on a forum that is primarily about parenting. Surely all the mentions of children would be too much for her.

Show quote history

Well, indeed. It’s very strange.

Daffodilsarefading · 23/07/2025 08:06

It’s totally fine to not be interested in anyone’s children. However, your oh sounds a bit obsessive. The way she treats your entire family is awful. She doesn’t have to spend hours engaging with children, just be polite. Be polite to her in-laws too, they haven’t done anything wrong.
It does sound like she has issues and I think she should have therapy to deal with that.
You sound very understanding op.

MaggieBsBoat · 23/07/2025 08:06

So this thread has a psychopath on. Fascinating stuff.
I had an ex who didn’t view people as people. Like they didn’t have humanity. He was violent and very disturbed individual. You could see him looking through people as this poster says. I think that was his way of maintaining his mask.

I concur an ama would be interesting.
The world would be a better place without my ex in to be honest but I think psychos do have a role anthropologically speaking.

Anyway, OP i doubt your partner has the neurological status of the above poster, but she clearly is deeply unpleasant if she cannot be polite and reasonable in the company of other people who you love. You need therapy in order to leave her. She on the other hand probably doesn’t. She is just rude.

MaggieBsBoat · 23/07/2025 08:07

RenaissanceBaby · 23/07/2025 08:05

Well, indeed. It’s very strange.

Show quote history

I think psychopaths have strong narcissistic traits and this is her way of being in focus.

OneLemonGuide · 23/07/2025 08:09

CommissarySushi · 23/07/2025 08:05

I find it bizarre for her to even be on a forum that is primarily about parenting. Surely all the mentions of children would be too much for her.

Show quote history

Good point. Why would someone with such pathological hatred of children (I don’t even have her level of reaction to dog shit!) join Mumsnet of all sites? Seems suspicious to me, and wonder if the post was made-up rage bait…

ChaToilLeam · 23/07/2025 08:09

I'm happily childfree myself, and tbh I find babies rather dull and toddlers annoying, but it wouldn't occur to me to cut children and friends and family with children out of my life. Hating children and refusing to be around them is extreme. I don't think I could continue to be with someone who felt that way and sought to control my interactions too.

I used to be on some childfree forums but bloody hell, there are people out there who make disliking children and laughing at parents their whole personality. It's rather unpleasant.

KateMiskin · 23/07/2025 08:10

I just caught up with the bit where she is rude to your parents- even when no children around- because they love their grandchildren. WTF! Why would you put up with this manipulative behaviour?
There are many lovely child free women who are not psychopaths.

Twobigbabies · 23/07/2025 08:12

'I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.'

I think this nails it. If this is the case she'll be making your life hell for the next 10 years until all the kids have grown up. You won't get the opportunity to have a relationship with your nieces/ nephews. Sounds like your values are too different.

Dunnowotot · 23/07/2025 08:15

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

She is actively alienating you from your own family and friends. Watch her get more and more manipulative in order to isolate you. I think you need to choose in between her and your big lovely family. I know which one i would choose... (btw. You thought you were too old to be a good dad at 34?! You're not even too old now at 41!!)

OneLemonGuide · 23/07/2025 08:15

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

Just read the post again… This really is visceral pathological hatred in its most extreme form.

Onelifeonly · 23/07/2025 08:17

I am sorry but I don't think it's just about the children, she seems to want to control / stop your access to your family and friends as a whole. If you want to continue the relationship, then you either accept this (and leave her out of socual events, don't drop your family and friends) or insist she at least tries to change by getting therapy. Otherwise I'd move on.

Also although not wanting children in general is a perfectly acceptable point of view, loathing the whole idea of them is absurd. Children are just people, they can be annoying, of course, but they are all individuals, some more likeable than others, and can surely be tolerated for a few hours by a respectful, loving partner. Your partner does not fully respect you.

Minnie798 · 23/07/2025 08:19

You'll never have the life you want with this one. As a pp said she's also borderline abusive. Get rid. You'll be happier for it in the long run.

Icanttakethisanymore · 23/07/2025 08:19

She sounds very difficult and you don’t exactly speak in glowing terms about the relationship outside the family issue. Ultimately you have to take her as she is and decide if it’s worth it. If I were you I’d ditch her.

dogsflying · 23/07/2025 08:20

F

Relaxd · 23/07/2025 08:25

She sounds like there is some sort of personality disorder. Even if you don’t like kids, men, dogs, whatever, you should be able to tolerate occasional family events like an adult without sulking, I think I would be giving her an ultimatum along the lines of … ‘I want to be with an adult, not a child. Everyone knows you don’t want children yourself but they will of course sometimes be present at family events, If you can’t tolerate occasional events with good grace and without sulking just because a child is present, then you shouldn’t attend, however I don’t want to spend my life attending things on my own just because you cannot be civil about these things so if that is the case then I think we should separate”.