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Original poster

DP hates children

395 replies

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

OP posts:
BlueandPinkSwan · 23/07/2025 11:27

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

Although I've had kids and totally love them, I know exactly what you are saying about other peoples. I could have written a lot of your post myself.
I would always step up and defend one if I thought a child was in trouble or being bullied at risk to myself but apart from that I really dislike them.

KateMiskin · 23/07/2025 11:28

BlueandPinkSwan · 23/07/2025 11:27

Although I've had kids and totally love them, I know exactly what you are saying about other peoples. I could have written a lot of your post myself.
I would always step up and defend one if I thought a child was in trouble or being bullied at risk to myself but apart from that I really dislike them.

Show quote history

Have you stopped seeing all your friends with children and do you actively despise them? Because that's the situation here.
Not simply disliking children.

Notonthestairs · 23/07/2025 11:43

She doesnt sound like she would be interested in exploring the reasons why she responds so viscerally to even references to children.
Its one thing to feel uncomfortable around children, but to be jealous at their grandparents mentioning them is something else.

And it is clearly a choice she is making because she can squash those reactions around others.

Split up. It wont get better without real effort and willingness on her part.

Agapornis · 23/07/2025 11:45

I think the rushed moving in because of Covid meant she avoided passing one of the standard tests for a new relationship - do they get on with your friends and family? Not being willing to put in any effort with your friends and family is a big red flag 🚩

I'd break up with someone like that. It isn't even about the dislike of children, it's the disrespect she shows for your support network, who surely are part of who you are.

I have a male friend whose girlfriend pretty much refuses to meet his friends and family, let alone put in any effort beyond a first meeting. I feel that is controlling and abusive. He goes along with it, which means he is now increasingly isolated as he doesn't meet his friends anymore. Please don't become that guy.

RandomMess · 23/07/2025 11:53

She is completely childish when you do get together with family whether with her without so I’d end it for that reason alone.

Sulking, rude, snide. Are those attributes you want in a life partner?

Original poster
conflicted84 · 23/07/2025 12:00

Agapornis · 23/07/2025 11:45

I think the rushed moving in because of Covid meant she avoided passing one of the standard tests for a new relationship - do they get on with your friends and family? Not being willing to put in any effort with your friends and family is a big red flag 🚩

I'd break up with someone like that. It isn't even about the dislike of children, it's the disrespect she shows for your support network, who surely are part of who you are.

I have a male friend whose girlfriend pretty much refuses to meet his friends and family, let alone put in any effort beyond a first meeting. I feel that is controlling and abusive. He goes along with it, which means he is now increasingly isolated as he doesn't meet his friends anymore. Please don't become that guy.

Edited

She did meet my family a few times before Covid (though we weren't living together at that point) and things seemed fine. It's as the children have grown older and more numerous, and thus become more of a feature of family interactions, that things have taken a turn for the worse.

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 23/07/2025 12:09

Anotherparkingthread · 23/07/2025 00:52

Op I am a lot like this.

I absolutely hate children. I hate the noises they make, I feel violent when I hear them crying but I am even annoyed by the sounds they make when they are happy. I'm not saying this to be inflammatory, I genuinely find they make me want to react with incredible voilence if they are too loud, too close to me etc. I also find them repulsive, I don't even like looking at them, particularly the drooling sticky baby toddler stage.

I'm not at all envious, in fact I often feel sorry for haggard looking mothers and fathers slopping around Asda with a screaming kid. I don't really think about children at all in day to day life because they just don't even occur to me. I don't allow children in my house, no exceptions. I do see being a parent as a total waste of life, but people often see my hobbies (boats) as an enormous waste of money, so what people see value in is entirely up to them really. I understand my own perspective isn't the only perspective, even if I have absolutely no understanding of why anybody would do it. People often tell me having children is an instinct or biological urge, I think they must be right because I absolutely cannot think of any logical reason anybody would. I clearly do not have any such urges, I've never felt anything even nearly similar. As a child myself, I never played with dolls, I never played house etc. I didn't even really like other children when I was a child. It got worse with age probably levelling out as how I am now at 25, which is over ten years ago now.

I honestly don't think you can expect that you are going to change her. Therapy won't either. It might teach her better ways to cope in situations she doesn't like, such as family gatherings, but at the end of the day she will always feel how she feels.

I myself would actually probably leave somebody who was too child orientated. I have a partner with a large family but we do not engage at all with any of the children in the family. I behave much as your partner, I look through them, do not acknowledge them at gatherings. I simply have nothing to say and don't want to. I don't buy them gifts etc at Christmas. Thankfully my other half isn't a hands on cousin/uncle/whatever.

I can iterate for you things I wouldn't like about it.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig.

I would also be concerned that it meant they might have an interest in having children of their own. Sort of like somebody trying to show you how much fun their friends puppy is, in an effort to wine you over into having one of your own. She would naturally want to stamp that out quickly. Wether this is your intention or not, she will read it as your paternal instinct, which to somebody who will not have children is a massive turn off. It fundamentally says the relationship has use by date.

She shouldn't have to share space with people she doesn't like, even if they're you're family. Even if you think the reason is unreasonable. As long as she isn't trying to stop you from going I don't see why she needs to attend every big family event. She might be happier outside of this dynamic and the whole 'you marry the family' thing is absolutely old fashioned. There's no reason she needs to be with you at these things or that her discomfort trumps your wants.

At the end of the day if it's a deal breaker for you then you need to end things, but I don't think it's fair to force somebody into a situation they don't like, then be angry at them for not engaging/being thrilled about it. It's about as peaceful protest as you can expect.

I would find it revolting for my partner to play with or really interact with children, even those related to him, sort of like somebody playing with a gross animal. Like cuddling and a pig

I think that's really harsh. Pigs are lovely 🐷

Trendyname · 23/07/2025 12:28

I would offer a different perspective, without any psycho-analysis bit.

While every child deserves love and attention, parents today expect a lot of accommodation from others but give no consideration.

This makes socialising difficult for those who have not had much experience with kids. For people like your gf, it can get too overwhelming.

You should talk to your gf and come to a solution which is acceptable to you both.

Notonthestairs · 23/07/2025 12:38

Trendyname · 23/07/2025 12:28

I would offer a different perspective, without any psycho-analysis bit.

While every child deserves love and attention, parents today expect a lot of accommodation from others but give no consideration.

This makes socialising difficult for those who have not had much experience with kids. For people like your gf, it can get too overwhelming.

You should talk to your gf and come to a solution which is acceptable to you both.

It isnt limited to socialising though. It includes references to the children in family conversation.

Trendyname · 23/07/2025 12:41

Notonthestairs · 23/07/2025 12:38

It isnt limited to socialising though. It includes references to the children in family conversation.

Show quote history

Sorry I read op very quickly. I just read further and she has started to sound a bit extreme and very rigid in her views.

GreenGully · 23/07/2025 12:50

You're not too old to be a father yet...
I'd leave asap. She sounds draining.

TheAmusedQuail · 23/07/2025 12:51

Is she very socially awkward in every social environment?

Is she otherwise an introvert? Introverts often are fine with one person (not necessarily just their partner, but socialising with one friend, for example) but awful in a busy social environment.

I'm AWFUL with children between 1 & about 15. Fine with babies and older teens, but toddlers and tweens, very clumsy and frankly disinterested.

Ultimately, you need to tell her to knock it off with the criticism of you enjoying your family. Tell her it could end your relationship. But also, you may just need to accept she has no relationship with them. Some families are very full on. Some partners are very anti social. I'm anti social and my exes family were too much. Perfect storm.

Roosch · 23/07/2025 12:53

conflicted84 · 22/07/2025 23:45

Repost, with full text this time.

I (male, 41) have been with my OH (female, 37) for over 7 years now.

Early on she made it very clear she didn't want children and that was OK with me as I felt I was too old to be a good father, had taken a long time to get established in my career, and did not have much of a paternal instinct, but was very happy to be an uncle to my nephews/nieces. Otherwise we were on the same wavelength and got on well, and still do for the most part.

My sister on the other hand has young children who are adored by all the family, and this has become a massive source of tension in our relationship, getting worse year by year, to the point I'm not sure where things go.

When OH and I first got together it was not long prior to the pandemic and sister only had 1 child. Fast forward a few years and sister now has 2 more. DP and I had the experience of living together under very intense pandemic conditions while things were still pretty new for us. That seemed to go OK. Where things have gone wrong is the post-pandemic years where I've been trying to get her to engage more with my family. I'm talking maybe 3-4 events a year at most, think Christmastime and significant birthdays where immediate family + partners might be invited. Other smaller or ad-hoc get-togethers I would happily go to on my own, but it's important to me that we turn up together to "significant" family events and my family would probably ask concerned questions about the state of my relationship if I always turned up without her, as you can probably imagine.

Even this limited level of family engagement has been a struggle to put it mildly. At first it was at a fairly normal level of "slight unease around in-laws" which I assumed might be alleviated by better familiarity, but over the last couple of years in particular things have steadily got more and more tense to the point where I feel like I'm torn between my partner and my family.

DP's point of view seems to have shifted from "don't like children" to "actively despise them". Any time there is any kind of family event where children might be present I have to fight with her to get her to attend, and if she does attend then she spends the whole time sulking and pretty much refusing to speak to anyone. She is barely civil to my sister and brother in law, giving monosyllabic answers at best when they try to engage her in conversation, and looks through the children as though they do not even exist.

If I go without her she still finds a way to make passive-aggressive remarks about my family before and/or after the event, such as implying that I should just mail birthday presents rather than delivering them to my nephews/nieces in person (even though we live relatively close by and she knows I like seeing them) or making scoffing noises/rolling her eyes when I say I need to leave at X time to be there for such and such an event.

Even if we meet my parents without my nieces/nephews present she seems to try to find a way to start an argument, because she seems to resent my parents having a close relationship with their grandchildren. She also insinuates frequently that my parents somehow value me less than their grandchildren or that they give my sister more support than me - even though I've tried to explain repeatedly that this isn't the case and that it's quite normal for grandparents to dote on their grandchildren anyway.

This also gets echoed in my relationships with friends, most of whom now have children. She's still not met quite a few of my oldest friends and has turned down opportunities to meet them - if they have children she seems to pre-emptively write them off with sarcastic comments about how they've given up perfectly good careers, etc.

OH had an abusive childhood and I think a lot of this stems from the fact that she never knew "normal" family dynamics and never knew her own aunts/uncles/grandparents. She also seems to think that her mother (who was in an abusive marriage) ruined her own life and career by having children in the first place, and projects that onto other people who have children - hence frequent remarks at home about women "throwing away their lives", children in general being entitled, colleagues with children "skiving" when they are on holiday, and so on and so forth.

I think there is a lot of unresolved trauma here - almost as though she views herself as needing to avenge her mother - and a lot of fear or uncertainty on her part as to how to engage with family dynamics where children are involved. That said, she refuses to seek therapy - her view seems to be either that she knows better, or that nothing could help anyway. I try to support her as much as I can, and on a day to day basis it doesn't really factor into our interactions with one another as we have busy lives and don't have daily interactions with family. But it is getting to the point now where it is poisoning relations between me and my family whenever there's any sort of family event. We have had numerous arguments over the last few years where it feels like she is growing increasingly resentful of me wanting to have a relationship with my own nephews and nieces.

I don't want to split up with her. In private she is funny, clever, and incredibly supportive of me. But when it comes to meeting my family (or my friends) they are faced wtih indifference at best or even hostility, and that's beginning to spill into our private lives.

I'm at the end of my tether. After 7 years it feels like things should get easier, not more difficult. What do I do?

She sounds like a horrible person and possibly sociopathic. Stay as far from her as possible.

I agree with all the others that you should dump her. She actually sounds scary. Her past trauma is not your problem.

You are definitely not too old to become a father yourself, just choose a better woman next time.

holrosea · 23/07/2025 12:56

PP have got the useful points covered, but I am just chiming in to say that as I was reading the OP, I was also getting "emotional control" and "isolation" vibes.

Many abusers don't spell out "we will not spend time with your family". Often they will

  • make it enough of a hassle not to bother,
  • create enough of an atmosphere that it is awkward for all involved,
  • be in enough of a snippy mood before/aftwerwards that spending time with your family is no longer enjoyable.

Maybe she dislikes kids - as child-free, single adult, I find them noisy, tiring and incredibly repetitive - however, I am absolutely able to put a brave face on for an afternoon or a family day. It's not as if I have to take any of them home with me, and even if I "dislike" kids, I prefer being part of the family/friendship/social whole.

In your place, OP, I would pay careful attention to anything that feels like emotional manipulation. It does read as though her huffing, puffing, scoffing and attempts to limit you even dropping presents off are tentatives to cut you off from others.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/07/2025 12:57

What happens when you sit her down and tell her that her behaviour is weird at best and abusive at worst and that you expect her to treat your family and friends with respect and kindness just as you treat her family and friends with respect and kindness?

Part of being an adult is knowing when to STFU and how to behave in polite company. Presumably she doesn’t go into work and insult her colleagues’ or bosses DCs?

Usernamenotavailable19 · 23/07/2025 13:05

Bananarama2000 · 23/07/2025 11:03

I actually think @Anotherparkingthread has a point.
I have a SIL like this (I have 4 children) and our family events would be much nicer without her there. She doesn’t want to be there and we really don’t like her, I’m guessing she has some sort of misplaced feeling of obligation.

OP if you want to stay together perhaps stop forcing her into situations she’s not comfortable with. You can still go and then everyone’s happy, although it does sound like you’ve changed your view of kids not her.

I personally can’t stand dogs so can understand how others can feel like this. It’s personal preference.

Show quote history

Preferences are fine. I’m assuming you don’t get overwhelming urges to be violent towards dogs when you see one though? That’s what made @Anotherparkingthread comments really disturbing because she has those urges towards children

Dreamondreaminon · 23/07/2025 13:06

Trendyname · 23/07/2025 12:28

I would offer a different perspective, without any psycho-analysis bit.

While every child deserves love and attention, parents today expect a lot of accommodation from others but give no consideration.

This makes socialising difficult for those who have not had much experience with kids. For people like your gf, it can get too overwhelming.

You should talk to your gf and come to a solution which is acceptable to you both.

"parents today expect a lot of accommodation from others but give no consideration."

Wow.
Anymore generalisations like these?

Ellie1015 · 23/07/2025 13:08

You agree you dont want children. However i could not tolerate a partner giving monosyllabic answers to my sibling and partner, looking through my nieces and nephews etc.

Fine to not like children wrong to be rude to my family because they have children, and to ignore the children if they speak to her. Especially as she can be polite at work events so is obviously capable.

iamnotalemon · 23/07/2025 13:13

Your partner sounds worse the more you post about her. Children aside, her not making any effort to see your family or speak about them, is very odd behaviour.

LemondrizzleShark · 23/07/2025 13:19

conflicted84 · 23/07/2025 12:00

She did meet my family a few times before Covid (though we weren't living together at that point) and things seemed fine. It's as the children have grown older and more numerous, and thus become more of a feature of family interactions, that things have taken a turn for the worse.

Show quote history

Or she thinks she has you further under the thumb now, and can ramp things up.

NapsForAll · 23/07/2025 13:19

It's okay not to like children. I don't really enjoy being around any children, ever - they're loud, unpredictable, I don't understand them, I never enjoy the time spent with them and I find them pretty gross (in the same way I'd find adults covered in snot or food or toileting bodily fluids pretty repulsive).

However, it's NOT okay to be cruel by ignoring them, or looking through them, or doing anything other than being nice and supportive because they are small people in their own right.

People will get annoyed at the comparison but tbh I see it a bit like people who don't like dogs or cats. It's okay to not like them / find them gross / not want to spend lots of time with them. But if a relative has a beloved one, you suck it up for a small amount of time because it matters to them.

Your DP loves you so she should see that they are important to you, and suck it up.

She might also be scared that you're trying to change her mind. The most annoying thing in the world is people thrusting their babies at me when I've said I'd rather not hold them, because they insist EVERYBODY wants to hold babies because they're the BEST thing ever and completely invalidate my feelings. So maybe just make sure you're not doing that.

VictoriaEra2 · 23/07/2025 13:21

Greendino20 · 23/07/2025 01:12

Honestly I think you sound like someone who values family. If I were you I’d cut my losses now and meet someone with more similar values to yourself. Whatever the trauma behind her behaviour she’s now making it difficult for you to interact with people you care about which is essentially miserable and controlling.

Just think what life will be like with a new partner, maybe someone who likes children and might like to have some with you.

Really good answer. Agree.

Swan6 · 23/07/2025 13:22

She obviously needs some counselling
Could you try getting her to go to family events where the children are not there .
Or invite family to your home for adult time ,wine and a meal ,that you cook .not her cooking it ..you cook op.
Then she could relax and get to know the adult family members first ..which might then make it easier introducing the children at a later time .
I think she needs a lot of patience and support from you
But if you love her it will be worth it

Christwosheds · 23/07/2025 13:24

Greendino20 · 23/07/2025 01:12

Honestly I think you sound like someone who values family. If I were you I’d cut my losses now and meet someone with more similar values to yourself. Whatever the trauma behind her behaviour she’s now making it difficult for you to interact with people you care about which is essentially miserable and controlling.

Just think what life will be like with a new partner, maybe someone who likes children and might like to have some with you.

This.
She sounds very controlling and actually pretty rude and unpleasant. You can spend your life making allowances and excuses for this, but honestly, why should you have to? Relationships shouldn’t be this hard or this one sided. You sound very ill matched, but even given that, her behaviour is awful. I feel sad for your family too, it must be horrible for them.

Bananarama2000 · 23/07/2025 13:24

@Usernamenotavailable19 True there are no overwhelming violent urges 🤣

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