A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

@ThisIsALow25 I don’t think any of what you are talking about is unrealistic or unreasonable. And, working on the theory many people have children, any bloke who is stepping up to the plate parenting wise should be in a similar position of having lots of competing time pressures.

@Clytemnestra21 I’m so sorry this is how it’s gone.

@Anotherdayanothernight if you have an anxious attachment style be very careful. I’m not overly like that, knew what situation was and I’m now finding it has done a bit of damage to how I view situations.

@Clytemnestra,I’m sorry to hear he hasn’t responded well. You have every right to expect a decent response.. I can relate to a lot of what you say and in many ways I feel similar about mine. Very connected in some ways and sort of in love, whilst the rational part of me knows we aren’t compatible in terms of our values and various other aspects, so I sometimes wonder what the hell I’m doing and why am I bothering and often feel frustrated. I actually met up with him today for an hour, for a drink and to talk about what happened when we argued and I left his place two weeks ago. We had a long chat about it, it was a bit of a mixed bag. He’s very defensive about the argument we had, and he genuinely can’t seem to see my perspective on that and thinks I’m being unfair. So, hmmm..On the topic of us I told him I have no idea how he feels about me, as he’s never said and that I wasn’t even clear if he has been seeing other women so I’m never clear where I stand . I said I don’t want a casual ‘friends with benefits’ thing and he seemed genuinely astounded that I thought that is what it is and he said he hasn’t seen any other women since we’ve been together and it’s not just an FWB (..well what is it then?). He genuinely couldn’t seem to understand why I might have needed him to put that into words after more than two years and said he can’t understand why I need ‘a label’. Anyway, I had to go because I have things I need to do this evening and so it felt a bit unfinished but I’m left feeling unsure what I will do next. I need to digest it.

@Clytemnestra21 I’m sorry that his response wasn’t what you had hoped for.

I definitely recognise the anxious/avoidant relationship in my own situation. He shuts down at any questioning about where we stand. A friend has seen him on a date with someone else - feels like I have been kicked in the stomach. Theoretically I knew this was happening but I’ve managed to ignore it. This makes it a lot more real. I’ve blocked him
while I take some time to digest.

Does the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl resonate with anyone else? My FWB situation makes me feel that I’m trying to be the cool girl. It’s inauthentic and makes me disappointed in myself for not holding out for more than crumbs and fantasy.

Feeling strong this morning. I’m not going to reach out. Intrigued as to how long it will take him to reach out (if he ever does). Actually feel a bit relieved - maybe this is what I needed to finally cut the cord.

Hi, @Askmewhatilearnedfromallthoseyears, yes the ‘cool girl’ narrative from Gone Girl definitely resonates. It sometimes feels like, in order for the relationship to run smoothly, I need to have as few needs as possible- and certainly not emotional ones. And yes, it’s uncomfortable and inauthentic and feels like I’m betraying myself. In reality of course it’s normal for us to have needs and expect someone to meet them. It’s just unfortunately the case that these particular men we all seem to be involved with are very unlikely to do that. So it often is the case of either accepting it for what it is or walking away- and neither feels easy or ideal!

After a few days of deleting and undeleting our messages I have deleted them permanently. A big step! Annoyingly I ‘poked’ him on Facebook while trying to figure out how to unfriend, had no idea that was still a feature 😂

@mummypigoinkthanks, it is definitely not ideal and the other day I contacted him saying I was leaving the chat platform we’ve been using as there was too much spam on there but here’s my WhatsApp. It was quite nice to delete all the old messages, lol. He did contact me and we met on Sunday but no mention of WhatsApp etc. Guess I’m trying to set some boundaries for myself, I didn’t stay overnight either which he was a bit taken by, but I said with a bit of planning I could have got someone to come and feed the cat…

@AskmewhatilearnedfromallthoseyearsWe haven’t had a conversation about where we stand as we’ve been doing this for less than 3 months, and as we’re not exclusive I’m guessing he’s chatting/meeting other women as well, he’s never said. It’s hard as I thought this set up would be ideal as newly single and had a quite messy separation but I agree, it’s like I’m trying to be the cool girl as well, and it is not authentic, and I’m not true to myself. When we are together it feels more than just fwb so the emotional whiplash is quite intense. Don’t think this will work for me in the long run, but like him too much to break it off completely so the cycle continues. He gives me enough to be emotionally invested but not enough to have my needs met, and I’m not sure he even knows that. Guessing it’s a bit like playing a slot machine with avoidant men… I’ve got a date with another guy set up on Thursday, he seems nice, don’t they all in the beginning, don’t really want to go but it might be good to get someone perspective. Are you still in no contact with him?

@Clytemnestra21How are you getting on with yours?

Stay strong everyone!

Guessing it’s a bit like playing a slot machine with avoidant men…

This sentence is perfection @Anotherdayanothernight .

@Anotherdayanothernight ‘When we are together it feels more than just fwb so the emotional whiplash is quite intense. Don’t think this will work for me in the long run, but like him too much to break it off completely so the cycle continues. He gives me enough to be emotionally invested but not enough to have my needs met’ - I could have written this, you’ve described exactly how I feel. I’m still no contact. Mine has been going on for three years. I did ask him about dating exclusively after eighteen months of FWB and his response was to ghost me for two weeks. I should have left then but wasn’t able to. I‘m curious to see whether he will get in touch with me at all now and if so how long it will take.

That must be so hard to go through that for 3 years, haven’t got any good advice apart from walk away, lol, but I know it’s not as simple as that… Maybe, in the nicest possible way, try to see other people? I’m trying to do that, although my heart is not in it, but that will give me a bit of perspective

👋hi all. How is everyone? @shivermetimbers77are you still no contact with FwB? @Anotherdayanothernightit sounds like you’re doing a great job of trying to put things into perspective and protect yourself. I know just what you mean about it feeling like more than FwB, emotional investment but not the whole/real thing. Seeing others is a good idea.
@Askmewhatilearnedfromallthoseyears I hope you’re okay. 3 years is a long time. Sounds like you’re being really strong in blocking him. I’m sorry about your friend seeing him with someone. I can imagine how much that must have hurt.
@mummypigoinkI hope you’re well.
I relented and saw FwB last Sunday. 🫣 I can’t seem to go through with breaking up. I’m in the trenches of work crises, parenting challenges, debt and conflict with ex-H. I guess life’s feeling hard and he offers a bit of fun and levity. Until he doesn’t. We disappear on one another. We feel really close when we’re together but it feels so flimsy and unreal when we’re apart. And after 2 years it’s still a secret. Which is weird.

@Clytemnestra21 hope you’re okay after seeing him again and hope you enjoyed yourself. If breaking up was easy, we would have all done it already and wouldn’t need this thread. I completely understand what you mean about FWB giving a break from all the serious life stuff going on. How are you finding the secrecy? Mine is secret too at his request - was thrilling initially but now it feels more like a weight. I have unblocked and reblocked several times but haven’t messaged. Been really trying to look after myself this week with small things eg favourite film, hot chocolate. Also wrote a letter to him then shredded it just to articulate some of the feelings, I found that helped.

I think FWB are secret? That’s one of the big differences from a relationship. It’s not official. I don’t want to introduce mine to my kids which is why I keep FWB label I think.

Ahhh @Clytemnestra21 I really feel for you: real life is tough sometimes and you deserve some fun where you can find it.

And @Askmewhatilearnedfromallthoseyears remember you’re more than the secrecy and keep looking after yourself.

Hi @Clytemnestra21, our situations sound similar in a lot of ways.. I’ve also slid back into the usual routine with mine of texting every day and seeing each other every couple of weeks. We are exclusive and it hasn’t been defined as FWB but certainly feels like one in lots of ways. The secret thing is weird : it suits me in some ways as I don’t want to introduce him to my child , but in others I don’t like this feeling of being in a ‘semi’ relationship. I’ve got plenty of friends and a good family but I’m at that stage of life where everyone’s busy and we don’t have much time to see each other, so I just realised he is probably the person (apart from my child) who I have spoken to most frequently in the past two years. So, it’s weirdly intimate and yet not an official ‘thing’. Such a weird sort of halfway arrangement. But I agree with you, my life is very busy and stressful and seeing him feels like a little oasis from daily life.. So it is hard to give up, despite its faults. I hope you’re all doing ok.

@shivermetimbers77 very similar. I speak to him most days and that’s more than anyone else. It’s so intimate in some ways. And yet I can’t go to his house. And despite him saying he wants to build a relationship with me he hasn’t introduced me to a single person in his life, hasn’t bought me a Christmas or birthday present and doesn’t make plans with me. I don’t want this FwB thing anymore. I’ve told him and he’s reassuring but nothing’s changed. I’m so comfortable with him it’s easy just to carry on. And letting him go would undoubtedly make me very sad. I’ve tried before and just can’t do it. But I feel stuck.

Yep, @Clytemnestra21, me too.. I suspect this is all these men are able to offer at this point in their lives- for whatever reason- and I guess it’s a case of deciding to stick with it and accept it, or walk away for good as they are not going to change. I have the exact same dilemma as you, it feels too good to leave but ultimately not enough.

How old are his kids if you don’t mind me asking? Does he have them full time if you can’t go to his house at all? That seems unfair. Why no gifts?

I do empathise with not introducing you to his kids (and therefore wider family/friends). Mine are young and I want to introduce a partner to them first, but only when they are older.

That is why I keep our FWB label.

@Moresunlessrainkids are 15 and 8. He’s still
in the family home. I think mum stays over when it’s her time with them.

I know it’s why a lot of people want FwB (not wanting to complicate when kids are involved). It’s just I don’t think I want that any more. It’s easy, but I feel tired by the fact that a part of my life isn’t integrated into the rest of it.

So been awhile - my ex FWB has been working here for a week - spark still very much there BUT he’s seeing someone who is ‘good fun’. I’m also seeing someone who is ok but who doesn’t make me laugh as much as ex FWB does - he finishes this Friday - so want to tell him how I feel but very.scared about losing the friendship -help

Hi @whyisnothingsimplehow’s it going? Have you said anything to him?

I haven't - he is still here but I really don't know what to do or how to approach it without making things potentially awkward between us.

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? Any updates?

@Clytemnestra21 how are you? How are things between you and your FWB at the moment?

@whyisnothingsimple is yours still with you? Have you said a anything?!

After swearing off any more FWB situations and deleting the apps, I got a message recently from a potential I'd been speaking with a while ago. Nothing ever happened between us and for one reason or another the messages fizzled out, as they often do, and that was that. Anyway, the chat had always been good and I'd been quite keen to meet at one point, so I was happy to hear from him. We finally met at the weekend....and it was just so meh. No chemistry at all, although he is very nice. I walked away feeling massive disappointment and a bit of a 'what if' fantasy indulgence quashed on my part, which I'm actually feeling a bit sad about. In my head, based on a few pictures and words sent to each other, I'd fancied him a fair bit.

How can it be so difficult to meet someone you like and are attracted to, even for just a casual thing? I officially give up! 🤦‍♀️

You can tell it must be cuffing season, becasue that was the second zombie coming back to life on me since autumn.

Hello 👋
@ThisIsALow25i hear you. That’s disappointing about the lack of chemistry. It’s such a shame when everything else was aligning. Will you keep looking?

i’m Okay. Had a tough run with kids being ill and I’m exhausted
FwB and I are the same. It feels like a relationship in terms of frequency of contact but still just us in our own little world and we just see each other every couple of weeks when I haven’t got the kids.
It isn’t enough but I’m not unhappy enough to give him up.

how is everyone doing?

@whyisnothingsimpledid you approach your guy?

I didn’t - dropped a few hints but think it’s done - we both know we are seeing others so didn’t elaborate -he’s back in the new year so who knows - think I’ll leave it where it is - a very fun few years