A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

What boundaries do all you ladies put in with FWB in order to not get too obsessed

thanx x

Where’s @OfcourseitsaNC she had some fantastic advice on the last thread on boundaries!

Can you link the last thread? I can’t find it

hey 👋 agree we need @OfcourseitsaNC for advice on boundaries. I have no advice to give on that topic 🤣
though FwB is talking very long term commitment now which is lovely

Sorry don’t know how to link a thread @fknEndlessCycle

Keep dating other's

Has this worked…..

Thread 1

Edited to do an actual link
and typo

The good advice is later on in the thread @fknEndlessCycle

Thank you ladies! I think I found some of the advice. @Clytemnestra21 youve been through a rollercoaster reading more of your story!

I am trying to date other people, but I run from those who are too keen I think. “FWB” mostly treats me as a hook-up. He has no interest in me really. I should walk away but I don’t.

As for me I had some stuff to collect from my fwb he said go for it come and get it in a bit I get halfway there ring to see what time and he tells me to go away he’s throwing it away. 😢

You’ve found your tribe here….

Why oh why do you let this so called man treat you this way. He literally treats you like shit but their you are running to him like he's a f*ing prize at every opportunity.

I wouldn't let that weasel anywhere near me..

Jesus I'm trying to be kind but you're 43 why the hell do you think you deserve this behavior? Why do you accept it? Why?

Like I've said sooo many times please get therapy, you're self esteem must be on the floor to accept this. I say this with kindness.

What is stopping you walking away?

I agree- I think it’s important to realise this is not a FWB situationship. Maybe he is using this term to make you feel ok with the crumbs he is occasionally leaving for you? I do worry he is having a laugh at your expense- this latest stunt was incredibly cruel. How would you feel if one of your children was being treated (bullied) like that?

@ThatRubyLion I hope you’re ok. I’ve got to agree with others. He just sounds downright cruel. Please let him go

I’m not really to be honest 😢 I’ve been trying to get my stuff. And he got fed up

I’m sorry @ThatRubyLionis there something you can do to take care of yourself? You deserve to feel cared for.

what’s the stuff, is any of it important or can you let it go? There might be a bit of power for your
right now in accepting the stuff’s gone and he’s done, pausing to rest and treat yourself, putting it behind you and then moving on

The sex is amazing and very intimate at times (he has raised the intimate side himself it’s not just in my mind heh), hugs (again initiated by him 🙄) are amazing, the flirting in between is amazing. Hes my type on paper. And because despite some efforts — mayb not enough — I’ve not met a better alternative yet. But I’m wasting my time - I don’t have kids and I want them and time is going to run out.

@fknEndlessCycle I hear you on the amazing sex, that’s so compelling isn’t it?
But you say time is running out for you to have kids! How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? that’s quite a deadline!
I’m 47, have children, and in the stage of life where a few long standing friends who are not parents but would have liked to have been are starting talk about that experience and the coming to terms with where they are with it all. If it’s something you want it’s worth focussing on.

Very compelling 🥲!!

I’m mid 30s, actually divorced where we never quite got to kids sadly. I am trying to find the right person, but it also requires a lot of energy to date. I’ve had two mini break-ups this year after some short (2-3 months) relationships, and each time it requires me to get back on my feet and start again :( FWB man is frustrating as he would be my type on paper like I said above, and it’s so disappointing hes not the solution.

Be careful he is giving you a relationship experience so your heart and mind will be fully into him and you won’t be able to look elsewhere. Have you talked to him about a serious relationship with kids in the future? Given him first refusal?

if it’s a definite no then if I was you I’d end things and block him. As painful as it will be (I know 😭) he’s stopping you finding a relationship and having kids

I don’t feel it’s the relationship experience! - he uses me as a hook-up with some extra bits in between. I know what a real relationship is like so I’m not accepting those breadcrumbs as it. So I have remained able to seek someone else, but while still wondering if he will change his mind and so he is constantly on my mind. I dropped him when I dated someone else for a few months who I was very into, so I am able to it seems 😌.

Hes given mixed messages. I’m not sure if he doesn’t want a relationship at all right now, or just not with me. I know he doesn’t want to be with me though. But hes avoidant with insecurity, so there’s a whole load of layers there.

id like to keep it going — see amazing sex — while I find someone more emotionally ready to actually date. But the dilemma is I find myself fantasising about him constantly and wishing hed wake up and realise the error of his ways. And I know that fantasising is not good for me. It’s also that constant thinking of “why doesn’t he want me”. My self esteem is actually quite high and I know my worth for a man, but somehow this man rejecting me 50%, but wanting me for the other 50%, messes me up and internally demand he wants me and wonder what I’m missing for him. It’s going to devastate me when he finds a relationship and wonder what she has that I don’t, even though deep down I don’t even know if I’d want to be with him myself ! It’s the blooming chase 😩

Oh @fknEndlessCycleI feel your pain! Even the knowing how it hooks you, and the self-awareness that so much of it is the thrill of wanting to be chosen, doesn’t protect you from wanting it and feeling for him.

@Moresunlessrainand others on here give such sage advice. I’d love to have followed through on so many of their very sensible recommendations.

And yet fantasy is so compelling - especially when it masks a greater dissatisfaction. Maybe in your case the longing for parenthood, and in mine, the loss of my old life and my precious family, and my youth, and the security I thought I had when I was sure my ex-husband loved me.

if he’s only 50% though, you probably shouldn’t have kids with him. And if you really want them better to put him aside and focus on what you want.

Despite all the ways in which my life is truly f@&!ed, I don’t regret my kids and I love them so much.

@Clytemnestra21 has basically nailed everyone’s situation with ‘fantasy is so compelling - especially when it masks a greater dissatisfaction’. I think I miss FwB but I don’t: I miss the buzz of feeling that someone wanted me.

@fknEndlessCycle don’t underestimate what that uncertainty can do to your self esteem. I don’t know why I’m bothered that a superannuated teenager didn’t want me when I’m more capable than him in virtually every respect in life. But I am.

And, now a bit further down the line, someone has shown an interest. And I’m realising that the uncertainty that was a constant with FwB has probably done a number on me, because I can’t settle on the idea this guy actually likes me. So much so that I’m thinking of asking if he just wants FwB so I can keep my guard.

My avoidant fwb we started dating but he was always working and i wasnt dating anyone else. And i put us in fwb but wanted him. Then sleot with ex and he was upset but he couldn't understand why. Anyway he still texted everyday and it was blurred and i slept over etc. Anyways i started gettong feels and told him so he said have a bit of time apart. Ive found its best infrequent and only occasional messages and date others