A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

@shivermetimbersgood for you. Sounds like you’re clear and happy with the situation.
It can’t have been easy seeing him without any regular scheduled child free time.
my youngest DC is ten too and I’m late 40s I guess. I do usually get a couple of weekends child free a month (though ex-h has form for messing me about on that) and it still feels hard to fit everything into those weekends. I think guilt and energy levels mean I put everything that’s for me (FwB, friends, fun, exercise) on hold when the kids are around. I can’t imagine having the energy for a really committed relationship but I feel not satisfied with the casual thing and would love to be in a loving relationship.
I hope the next week or so goes smoothly for you. I guess it might get worse before it gets better as you say but also sounds like you’re expecting that and you’re accepting of being in your own for a while. There’s so much freedom in that.

Thanks @Clytemnestra21- predictably, I’m feeling worse about it today. However it’s what I would call a manageable level of sadness: I’ve been fine at work and when busy etc, it’s just when I stop and think about it that I feel this wave of sadness come over me. But it’s only been a week, so that’s natural I guess and I will just keep going through it one day at a time. . How is yours going now? Is he stepping up to something more emotionally connected now? Is he someone you could see yourself with long-term?

Well done @shivermetimbers. We’re here if things get tough.
my FwB is definitely stepping up emotionally - being much more expressive and more attentive and in tune with me emotionally. It’s been really nice. It’s apparent though that his circumstances mean we can’t be in a fully committed relationship and I’m processing my feelings about that as I’m not sure how long I can compromise for.

How are you doing @shivermetimbers77?

Hi there, yes I’m ok thanks, a little bit up and down about it all. It’s always weird when you go from texting someone every day for two years and then suddenly hardly at all :,we have exchanged a couple of messages but he seems unable to see why I was upset when I left his place last week and is sort of spinning it around to being my fault.. 🙄 classic. Anyway, in some ways that helps that he’s being a little bit of an arse about it because it makes me feel more clear about why I left in the first place. But I also do miss him of course as there were also plenty of lovely bits alone the way . So I’ve just got to get through it..I’m glad yours is going well @Clytemnestra21, do you feel like he is someone you are compatible with for a long term relationship or is still unclear at this point?

I think the reason it is ultimately unsatisfying for me is because of similar reasons- the type of sex I like involves being really vulnerable both emotionally and physically. I’ve only just worked this out really though so FWB is only ever going to pale in comparison perhaps.

Joining for support and wisdom please. Been in a FWB situation for about three years. Have known said friend for many years - he initiated things and it came at a vulnerable time for me. I was flattered by the attention. Tale as old as time, I started to want more of a relationship. Asked him (over text), he ignored me for two weeks then avoided the question when he finally did reply. Really hurt but on the bright side broke the limerence spell. However now back sleeping with him as dating not a realistic prospect at the moment because I have a small child. I know and trust him already so this allows me to have sex even though what I’d really like is a relationship. I don’t sleep with anyone else, no idea if he does, too scared to ask him. Feel queasy at the thought of him with other women. Clearly the answer is to stop sleeping with him - there’s an opportunity cost of continuing this as mentally I’m less open to meeting someone new. But that’s easier said than done, of course.

@Askmewhatilearnedfromallthoseyears
welcome! I don’t have any wisdom I’m afraid but others do and this is a very supportive thread. It is a tale as old as time isn’t it?
@shivermetimbers77well done. Sounds like you’ve not changed your mind about your reasons for ending it. I hope you’re well.

I’ve had a falling out with FwB and we’re not speaking. I think this might finally be the end. Usually he would have tried to contact me again by now. I’ve been okay but tonight I feel regretful. And so uncomfortable at the silence between us

@Clytemnestra21 what was the topic of the fallout?

I’ve only been in my FWB situation for about 2.5 months but it’s already stressing me out. Recently separated and I have lacked intimacy and emotional connection for a long time so I find it very hard to not getting too attached. We’ve been meeting roughly once per week, apart from both being away on separate holidays, and we have such an amazing time but I don’t think this be sustainable in the long term. We’re not in contact every day, maybe every other, and I hate the thought of him seeing others, which I don’t know if he does, haven’t asked, he did say on one occasion he wasn’t but who knows. I normally go to his place, apart from last time when he suggested we’d meet out for dinner/drinks, before heading back to his lol… How do you all separate the close intimacy and switch off in between the meetings, it’s so hard…

@Clytemnestra21 sorry to hear you had a falling out.. how are you feeling about it now?

@Anotherdayanothernight that’s the most difficult part for many and personally why I believe I am not at all cut out for FWB. Others may find it relatively easy to mute their feelings , but personally I find sex without emotional intimacy quite dull (after the first couple of times anyway), so it’s very natural for me to become attached the more time I spend with a man. So I’m afraid I have no answers, but I do understand!

I’ve been regularly having fwbs for the last year and wasn’t expecting it to be like this, I thought men would just be happy with sex and a bit of friendship but they’ve all wanted more, it’s me who just wants the sexual side. It’s not as straight forward as I’d hoped

@shivermetimbers77 thanks. I was holding up okay but last 24 hours have felt hard.

@Chatonettei expressed discomfort about an aspect of his personal circumstances which I feels impacts on us. He asked if I wanted us to finish. I told him I was sad that he jumps straight to ending it rather than reassuring me. He then listed all the things that make him hesitant about us being in a relationship. He was diplomatic and the tone of his message was conciliatory but I basically couldn’t see anything in it that indicated a clear intention/want to be with me. Honestly, I was upset and I guess flipped a bit: told him I’ve dealt with his uncertainty long enough and I’m not going to try to persuade him. We haven’t spoken since.

That sounds difficult @Clytemnestra21but sounds like you handled it well.. I suspect that a lot of people who actively prefer FWBs tend towards an avoidant attachment style. They default to wanting to detach when anything becomes emotionally challenging/complicated , or demanding in any way. This makes it very hard to resolve any of the usual relationship ups and downs, as they will often see any conflict as ‘too much’ and want to press the eject button.

This is absolutely the case for me and FWB. Neither of us handle conflict well.

Exactly what happened in mine. He pressed eject multiple times

thanks @shivermetimbers77 I think you may have hit the nail on the head. He has a history of backing off when I appear to make a demand of him. I think he’s really emotionally avoidant and I’m super sensitive to any hint of rejection or even apathy on his part so we’re a bit dysfunctional.
I really want to contact him but I’m fighting the urge as I really want to see whether he’ll try to get back in touch eventually of his own initiative.

Sorry you are having a tough time @Clytemnestra21 Stay strong and don’t contact him

It’s definitely how I feel with my fwb, he’s got an avoidant attachment style and I’m the anxious one, or maybe he doesn’t like me enough, who knows, but he has never seen the anxious side of me. It’s so hard because when we’re together the chemistry is so amazing, he’s affectionate, cuddly, makes sure I’m comfortable, gives me small but personal gifts, I have my toothbrush there, he makes me breakfast to take to work and we have a laugh and it’s so natural but between meets he can be silent for days. When I do message him first he replies most of the times very quickly, within minutes, but I do need a bit more reassurance even in this set up. He’s been living by himself all his life and he’s in his late forties now, has had a few long term relationships

@Anotherdayanothernight it sounds pretty nice!

I caved and texted him

@Clytemnestra21 any response yet?
How come these these situations sometimes feel more difficult than a full blown relationship?

I've been feeling a bit muddled recently. No ongoing situation or anything on the horizon. The last one is well and truly dead in the water now and I haven't seen or heard from him 4 months or so. It was starting to get a bit stale, anyway. I cant be bothered to get on the apps again. The last few guys I was messaging with either fall flat or repeatedly pull out of meeting last minute but want to keep messaging and setting up other dates that never happen - what's all that about?! I guess I'm feeling bored of the FWB/FB routine but still want closeness with someone. I dont have the capacity on any level for a proper relationship right now but still crave one at times. Does anyone else feel this or am I complete basket case? 😂

Hi @ThisIsALow25 I hear you on feeling bored with FwB only. It isn’t sustainable not to either grow the come toon into something else and more.

what do you see as a proper relationship? I’m really curious about this as me and FwB seem to disagree with him having a much more rigid idea of what it is - family and financial ties etc. for me it’s much more about intention and feeling and a willingness to share.

I guess I’m feeling a bit resistant to the idea that just because I’m busy and have a lot of responsibilities, I shouldn’t be able to have a relationship.
is that just because the expectation that women have to have more time to do the emotional labour of sustaining a relationship?

FwB’s response has been disappointing. So I think k this might be our ending. Can’t pretend I’m not gutted. I’m a bit in love with him, but we’re probably pretty incompatible.

Come toon should be connection 🙈

@Clytemnestra21 that's really sad. Sometimes just loving the person isn't enough is it? Even if they really love you back. It takes time to come to terms with that.

When I say 'proper relationship' I think I mean the time to invest properly. I'm a lone parent (widowed) and my child is still at primary school. I just don't have the time or bandwidth to invest fully in a relationship at the moment with solo parenting and working full time. In an ideal world, I'd want someone im physically and emotionally connected to who would put up with not having an awful lot of time together and sometimes sliding down my priority list. I can't see that happening and it wouldn't be a fair ask either.

It is lovely when we actually meet and the chemistry is amazing, but my anxious attachment style makes me overthink and I would be calmer if he did initiate contact a little bit more. Not after a relationship with him as I recently got out of a long term relation myself. I asked him last night if he would like to meet up soon and we’ll try to see each other this Sunday, depending if he’s not delayed at an activity he’s doing during the day. But maybe I need to step back a bit for my own sanity and to see what he does?