A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

Hi all
Would love thoughts on FwB?
We were always going to spend this weekend together. No particular plan but something nice on Sunday.
Earlier in the week I asked if tomorrow he wanted to come to something with me (my friends) late afternoon/early evening. Would have been the first time either of us had met someone in each others’ lives. He came back to me about it late. He doesn’t want to. his solution is to not come at all - even though I said we could meet after at say 7 or 8, he’s happy just to me on Sunday. We only see each other every other week. I feel pretty disappointed. He just isn’t that bothered is he?

My view is that you told him ages ago what you want, and it doesn’t align with what he wants. He did get jealous at the thought of you dating others, but my opinion is that it’s because e wants you to himself, but still kept at arm’s length per the status quo.

I think he doesn’t like the idea of meeting friends/becoming a part of your life, so just cancelled the whole weekend. Typical avoidant behaviour. What do YOU want? You’re even giving us mixed messages on this board—you want more with FWB, versus the lifestyle you have with him is perfect for your current stage in life, Be honest—which is it really?

Having just come out of a similar situation, I can see, like me, you want some integration into your life and he doesn't. As hard as it is he isn't going to change. I've found out the hard way and it hurts being rejected and never really feeling like you're enough. Maybe best to remove yourself, as hard as it is. I'm struggling to get over my own one now

Reading all these comments with interest ☺️ I’ve got myself into a situation where we’ve mutually agreed to FWB because it’s fun and we have this electric chemistry. He’s much younger, I’ve been separated from my H three years and not had any intimacy with anyone else throughout my 15 yr marriage or since the split. Suddenly I find myself in this position. Am I asking for trouble?! I don’t want a relationship, it’s fun, no one else involved (kids unaware as is ExH) and he’s not attached. Share your words of wisdom..

Please correct me if I’m wrong but I thought he had agreed for it to become a relationship? That was part of your discussion with him about wanting more a while ago? I think it’s unfair if that’s the case that he won’t meet your friends (because he doesn’t want to as a reason is also rude). And to me it feels like he’s punishing you for even asking. By saying he won’t even see you afterwards.

i think you need to look at his behaviour, and have a long think about whether it is enough for you.

👋 hi
@icantgetnosheep im probably the worst person to give any advice as my situations is a bit of a pickle but there are others here who offer good counsel. glad for you there’s good chemistry and excitement after so long.
@Happyduck77 I’m sorry for your disappointment. Maybe I need to do this too, he’s edging slower to what I want though it’s never enough. I’m finding it hard though.
@Moresunlessrainhe did agree to that. To be fair to him, he’s had a super stressful week which I know about and in his position I wouldn’t feel like going to a party with people I don’t know either. His solution in the end was to come over much before the party to see me anyway which has pacified me a lot. So there’s some specific circumstance. But overall it’s part of a pattern of me asking for more and there always being a reason he can’t. As @Chatonette says, he just doesn’t want more with me.
@Chatonette it’s a really great question and I appreciate you asking it and pointing out the contradiction in me. I think I need to examine that because sometimes this is as much as I can handle and yet I feel so unfulfilled by it.

Hey @Clytemnestra21, it sounds like he really likes spending time with you one to one but doesn’t want to move the relationship into the ‘meeting friends and family’ stage. Mine is exactly the same. But if I’m honest I’m not sure I could see him fitting in that well with my friends and family anyway , as some of his political and other views are very different from theirs, and I’m not sure he would be great with my child, so perhaps it’s better separate.. How about yours? Do you feel like he would get on well with your friends and family? Would you like to integrate more? Do you think you could find a way of feeling at peace with it as if is, or will it always feel like not quite enough? Does it stop you from meeting someone else? I’m not expecting clear answers by the way as these are all questions I struggle to answer myself! Not easy ..

@shivermetimbers77 thanks. These are all good questions.
I think I’d ultimately feel unfulfilled by this. Though I like the fact it doesn’t demand much of me. And yes, this is stopping me being open to meeting someone new.
I think we’re quite different in our interests, attitude to money, views on a life well spent. Lots of Important points we wouldn’t be aligned on.
I think my friends and family would like him. But he’s not interested. And I can sort of understand that, he has a lot on.
Are you overall content with yours?

I have survived alot in life i take refuge tn the interests of life.

While I understand he's had a stressful week there's always something with him. You always seem to make excuses for him. He only came over to keep you quiet. It's pretty clear is just sex to him and he's stringing you along with his promises. I'm sorry but it's the truth. Surely you know you deserve better.

@Clytemnestra21I find I do flip flop between feeling happy with it as it is and wanting something more committed and emotionally satisfying. But at the moment I’m in a ‘happy as it is’ phase. I think it’s very important to be honest with yourself if you are not though. If you want a proper relationship then you need to give yourself the best possible chance of having that.

Thanks @shivermetimbers77and @Kat888
Think you’re both right. He’s happy with this. I’m not really. But sometimes I feel like I can’t cope even with this. I want a relationship but I’m so busy with single parenting and work, think maybe deep down I don’t believe I have the capacity for more.

As a male thinking about potentially looking into entering a FWB relationship in the new year, I’ve found this thread very enlightening and it has given me much to think about.

It’s not only about finding the right person for it, but also making sure there’s clear communication and expectations also. Effort needs to be put in also to maintain it.

I think you need someone who wants a relationship with you (but has equal time constraints?). You’ve outgrown FWBs. You’re ready for love and commitment?

@Moresunlessrain- yes I want love and partnership. He says he loves me and wants to build a relationship with me. But it doesn’t seem to be happening.

@Clytemnestra21 his reaction is so disappointing! He says all the right things when he's in danger of losing you and then fails to deliver every time.

Being charitable, perhaps he fully intends to progress things at the time he promises it and then freaks out when it comes to actually doing it, however he must know he's failing you and that's completely selfish of him.

At worst, he's stringing you along and has no intention of ever integrating your lives.

I know how you feel, I'm bored of the whole FWB thing but I don't have the time or capacity for an all-in relationship. It's lonely, but I feel these situations are even lonelier.

@ThisisalowI hear you on the loneliness. And I think you’re right, it’s worse. But when we’re together I completely forget.

How do you all cope over Christmas and new year? My fwb has gone back to his home country to see his mum and will be away until beginning of January and I miss him already…

@Anotherdayanothernighti find this time of year tricky too. Kids are here some of it and with their dad some of it. Their dad’s is really busy with his new partner and her family. It’s much quieter with me and I miss having a big, busy family Christmas and hate splitting Christmas Day.
It’s one time of year when I can’t see FwB much and it just makes me feel lonelier, underscores for me that I’m ultimately quite marginal in the lives of the people who’ve been significant to me.
In fact this evening I’ve been thinking about how around Christmas last year i decided I was going to end things with FwB and make a new start in the new year…🤔

How is everyone doing?

👋 hi @Moresunlessrain how are you? Good Christmas? It’s my first day back at work today and I’m finding it hard to refocus. Christmas chocolate still beckons. Saw FwB on 23rd and currently arranging to meet up in NY when my kids go to their father.

Mine has been very quiet over the past month. It’s a busy time for him at work and there have been various things going on in his personal life, so I have been giving him space, but the other day I realised that he’s been responding briefly to my messages but not asking anything about me. I was unwell a few weeks ago and he knew about that but didn’t ask how I was.. it has made me reflect that the thing I find most frustrating about these kinds of set ups is the lack of emotional intimacy and support. It feels like we are close in many ways: we message frequently , have been involved for over 2 years, are exclusive etc.. we are physically and intellectually intimate. But I really notice a lack of emotional intimacy. He doesn’t reach out to me when he is troubled but turns inwards instead. I would love to reach out to him for support when I need it, but I really don’t think he would be able to provide that. That leaves a sense of hollowness. It’s always that feeling of being good in many ways but missing something fundamental.

@shivermetimbers77hi, good to hear from you. Hollowness doesn’t sound good. You deserve emotional intimacy too. Do you think it’s something about him and his situation that means he can’t offer that or do you think it flows from the basis of the relationship being FwB?
Hoe’s the Christmas period been for you with him being distant?

Hey, @Clytemnestra21, well weirdly I sent him a text saying he had been quiet and we ended up having a long phone conversation where he insisted I was the one who had been quiet and he had been feeling upset that I hadn’t been in touch more over the past month. So, not sure what to make of that but something to reflect on . . How is it going with yours?

Hey @shivermetimbers77that is weird and sounds like you’ve both really had crossed wires. I saw mine after my break over Christmas. Was nice. I’ve been unwell and he was caring.