A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

I said to him Ill leave you alone then and he’s said thanks. So I guess that really is it 😭

Please don’t let your experience with ex FWB impact on something new. You are special and deserving of whatever makes you happy

Hi, how is everyone faring?

I haven't been on here for a while and have just been catching up on the thread. I think I last posted in July when my nice FWB had gone unexpectedly AWOL. He then came back and then went AWOL again (which I was not surprised by the second time). It's almost been 3 months now and I've moved on mentally. I looked on the usual apps again, chatted to a few guys but decided it's too much effort and I can't be bothered with the aggro so I've left it for now.

Anyway, something happened today that made me think of this thread again! Almost two years ago, I had been seeing this guy, purely as a FB but he totally messed me around - kept rearranging, stood me up one time and so I ended things, blocked him, deleted his number and moved on. I have just got a letter in the post from him, completely out of the blue, asking me how I am, if I'm still in a mood with him and leaving his number!

WTF? Where on earth do these men get the nerve?!

What a cheek @ThisIsALow25- at least you know he’s not getting any sex!

@Moresunlessrain haha so true!

The brass neck of it! I shouldn't really be surprised!

What a twat!😂

Hey, think I found my people here, lol… I’m recently separated and met a guy online and we’ve got an amazing chemistry. This arrangement, where I normally go to his place, has been going on for about 2 months but I get too emotionally drawn in after every visit. It’s not just the intimacy it’s the cuddles, jokes and connection as well. I don’t want to stop seeing him but I need to be firmer in my boundaries but it is so hard, I spend too much time thinking about him. How do you all survive the FWB set up?

I’m just really struggling. I thought I made it out of my fwb situation but he’s reeled me back in as of a few days ago. All my feelings rushed back. He was in my town this weekend gone and didn’t visit me even though he said he would and now he’s gone back to no contact. I’ve sent him a closure message (surprise, no response from him) so I can start moving on and to try and get over him but it’s so hard.
I’ve got a couple other men who I can contact to distract me but I’m not there and it’s only him I want.

i know he doesn’t want me, his actions make that super clear but it doesn’t help with the way I’m feeling.

Just wondering, how often do you initiate contact with your fwb?

Hey 👋 hope everyone’s well,
@isittimetogethigh
I’m so sorry things feel difficult. Sounds like a head-mess that he reeled you back in and then went no contact. I hope you’re ok, it’s such a difficult moment right after ending things
@AnotherdayanothernightI’m in contact with him every day in terms of messaging. But we probably see each other 3x per month- more in phases when my kids stay with their dad (e.g. school holidays).

Hello lovely ladies

Wow @ThisIsALow25 that is mental!

My FWB situation escalated again. Daily contact, some initiated by him and a lot of it hours of back and forth text conversation, and he suggested non sex hang outs (which never happened). But then he started to fade again and told me two weeks ago he has met someone he likes. Jesus only knows what was going on in all that situation.

I remain single and back to square one. I have been attempting to date most of this time but my morale is so low. Also my ex-H has a new girlfriend and ironically that has hit me less bad than FWB 🙈.

There are so many learnings for me in all of this but I still keen succumbing.

I know where you are coming from. Mine text me two weeks ago to say he couldn’t talk to me anymore as he was with someone in a relationship. That lasted all of 2 days and then I end up going to see him

If he comes back in a few weeks to me there is no chance I’m sleeping with him! I’m not going to be his second option if his new thing doesn’t work out. Only if he actually hangs out with me and things build up, but I’m not going to be a bootycall. Do try and remember your value @ThatRubyLion

Yes. And this is the problem. As soon as he find someone he “likes”
enough to be in a couple with I’m dropped

Are you wanting an actual relationship @ThatRubyLion ? Are you trying to date other people?

And there in lies the problem 😞 I want a relationship with him

What about him is it that you want? He seems to treat you so badly.

I think with me I had (have) some kind of fantasy about an ideal/ hope with FWB, but I was always still looking for a man elsewhere who actually made me feel everything I should and who treated me right.

Sorry forgot to tag you @ThatRubyLion

I completely get it. And I do still want that someone outside of a fwb situation, the proper relationship the works, the mr right. I honestly don’t know why he clicks his fingers I go running 😕 I really want the whole lot with him but it’s been 10 months of fun so he just doesn’t see me like that

@ThatRubyLion have you gone on dates with other people in that time?

I ended mine this week after two years.. I feel sad as we were in contact every day and had a good time together when we met up every couple of weeks . However, in the end I felt I had to end it as some of his views about women (he has been quite sucked in by the ‘manosphere’) and politics (definitely more right wing than me) meant I just felt we were fundamentally incompatible, despite the good bits . Also, the more I reflect on it , the more I can see how many mental and emotional gymnastics I was having to do in order to convince myself that I was ‘fine’ with the ‘no labels’ undefined relationship, where we saw each other regularly but I never felt reassured that he wasn’t seeing others, and we never progressed to meeting each others friends/family etc .. I was always kept very separate and compartmentalised from the rest of his life. In some ways that suited me, but in others it didn’t, as I often had a sad, hollow feeling when we said goodbye after meeting, even though we often had a lovely time together. Now I’ve ended it, I feel sadness but also a strange sense of relief. I feel pretty clear that I don’t want to enter another casual/undefined FWB type thing ever again, they don’t work for me and ultimately leave me feeling hollow and diminished. I don’t think I will date again until my child is much older, so in the meantime I will focus on friends, family, work, hobbies. But it’s also sad and I will miss the good bits, as it was lovely to have the intimacy and to feel like a desirable woman again after many years of focusing solely on work and parenting. Anyway, I hope you are all doing well in your own situations .. onwards and upwards, as they say.

@shivermetimberswell done, sounds like you’ve made a positive decision for yourself and really thought about it. I hope you’re okay? Sounds like you’re a bit sad in a philosophical way but relief is good and must be very affirming of your decision.
if you don’t mind me asking, was there something that was definitive for you or have you been thinking about it for a while?
Also, noting you’ve decided to steer clear until your child is older, do you mind me asking how old your child is and how hat sort of age you are? Very nosey so feel free to tell me to get lost, I just think it’s quite common for single mums not to bother with real relationships and I wonder (as a single mum) how long others’ can manage without those connections iyswim.
I hope you’re okay. We’re here if you have a wobble.

Well done for doing what’s best for you @shivermetimbers77 are you missing him or still content? I have a similar situation in that we are in touch every day and meet every week or 2. It’s still working for me for now, I’m not sure he has the emotional depth for a forever relationship but his politics that I’m aware of are all ok luckily

Hello all. I have only dipped my toes into the FWB situation over the last 4/5 months so am learning as I go and having read through this thread I can see I’m not the only one to have found FWB situations quite tricky to navigate.

I have come to the conclusion that I’m an oxytocin super-producer, and that getting naked with someone and having my skin on theirs makes me bond when I don’t want to 😂

The only way I have found around this is to have a couple on the go.

I don’t know if I can be bothered for much longer though because it takes a lot of effort for what is exciting sex because it’s new but not necessarily deeply satisfying. That requires me to really know and trust the other person and whilst I trust that my FWBs won’t hurt me, I need to trust them enough to be vulnerable too in order to actually let go properly. And that isn’t something that I think I will achieve with a FWB.

Back to bumble for me.

interesting. I can’t deal with sex with multiple people at a time. My FWB and I had very vulnerable sex that required a lot of trust and we were exclusively sleeping with each other. I think the vulnerability in the sex is what messed my mind up probably (and triggered my insane jealously that he has someone new!). Unintimate sex and I wouldn’t have cared - going by other casual things I had in the past.

but also back to bumble for me ;)

Hi @Clytemnestra21, I’m feeling sad but not utterly heartbroken.. it’s only been a few days though, I suspect I will feel worse as time goes on, before I feel better. In terms of whether it was a sudden or gradual decision, I think a bit of both really.. I had long been bothered by his views about women and politics, but other stuff was good so I sort of persuaded myself it didn’t matter as we weren’t in a ‘proper’ relationship so I just tried to change the subject when it came up. But his comments the other day were sort of a ‘last straw’ moment and I just left his place (flounced out in a huff, basically 😂). We haven’t spoken since. No idea if he will reach out at some point, and if he does, not sure what I will say. But it feels like the end and, historically, once I have ended things with previous partners , I don’t tend to go back. So , we shall see.. in terms of me, I’m mid-40s, with one DC aged 10. I have my dc full time so I don’t have any regular weekends off to date, so it’s always been tricky to find the time, either by using the occasional times my DC is away on holiday with their dad, sleepovers with friends, babysitters or annual leave from work. That’s been tricky, but I’ve made it work for the past two years. However, it always felt like I was making a big effort to see him and he was just fitting me in when he happened to have some free time. So there was always an imbalance. But the good bits were good and we had a lovely connection and I will genuinely miss him. I would have another relationship again if someone lovely came along who I thought wanted something real with me and who would also be good with my DC.. However, I realise that’s a relatively slim chance so I am happy just bumbling along single, as I have a full, satisfying life and I would rather be single than in something anxiety-provoking, as FWBs tend to be for me. Hope all well with your situation!