A thread for FwB survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) Part 2

[Clytemnestra21]

Hi all 👋
New thread to continue the old one for those of who still take part. Hope this works and everyone can see it?

Def not for him

@Clytemnestra21

@ThatRubyLioni hear you. It’s hard when you like someone. And hard when they like you enough to keep seeing you even though there’s that imbalance. But continuing seeing him like this isn’t going to change his mind. I’ve joined an OLD app: it’s a bit weird as I don’t feel too interested in anyone because they’re not him. But I’m having a couple of conversations. And I think I’m starting to shift inside towards thinking there might be someone in my future other than him. Might be worth a try.

I’m so happy to hear you are starting to allow yourself to move on. That’s a massive step.

I’m glad to see there’s a part 2 thread :) thanks for creating it @Clytemnestra21

FWB just ended things with me. He’s hugely avoidant (and knows it) and we had one weekend of him not being so and being very proactive -talked to me constantly, really wanted to see me multiple times - and after that he pulled back over a course of a week. Instead of playing games, I called him out on the confusing inconsistency so he ended it.

Honestly don’t know what I was doing - hugely avoidant guy who said he wasn’t in right place for relationship and just wanted fun for now. I knew would be bad for me but I still went for it. And now, I feel crap even though I don’t think he was the perfect guy at all. I’m over judging and blaming myself for being eager and chatty with him too, worried I acted like a psycho girl, but I also know I didn’t do anything wrong there as he did match my energy there briefly? Just needing a hand hold while my anxiety is high and my brain is obsessing over every word/interaction :/.

That’s really tough @fknEndlessCycle: it sounds like you did nothing wrong, you just matched his initial energy, showed a very natural amount of affection and responsiveness and in classic avoidant style he got scared of his own shadow and spooked himself when he got too keen, and backed away.. it’s genuinely exhausting and maddening to be in that cycle with an avoidant person, you will find lots of sympathy here!

@shivermetimbers77good yo see you here

@fknEndlessCycleso sorry you’re feeling like this

as @shivermetimbers77 says it’s utterly exhausting to be in this attention/affection tug of war

Thanks @shivermetimbers77 . So maddening and exhausting. I think he also just got freaked out by me confronting him on his shift, but I am cba with playing games.

Good for you. I’ve no time for playing games either

Thank you :) I really need to stop going for avoidants. They do trigger shit in me and make me act insane

Anyone here listened to as psychotherapist Lauren LaRusso (she’s US based and on Instagram)? She talks a lot about dynamics and psychology of people impacted by and involved in affairs and infidelity. This morning she did a post about how people with people pleasing tendencies are most likely to end up as affair partners as they’re conditioned to over empathise and absorb the discomfort of others and suppress their own needs (e.g. for commitment/to be in a relationship with someone who is available etc)

I know this thread is for people who are in FwB arrangements but I wondered if there’s a parallel here with people who are in situationships where they want more than the other person but stay seeing them and don’t move on (e.g. yours truly).

Could I be weak willed re: FwB because I’m a people pleaser and self-abandoning empath? Or is it just that I don’t want certainty enough to stop having sex with him? 🤔

It’s probably a bit of both. Have you ever had therapy?

I love her I think she's great. I'm exactly like that I've always been a people pleaser but I'm working hard on changing. I think it's more complicated than we think. I think you live in hope he'll change his mind and be with you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that but are you wasting precious time when you could be with someone that is all for you and wants you fully.

@Moresunlessraini have, yes @Kat888i find her really interesting too, some of the things she says really make me reflect on my (former) marriage

This is something that I need to keep reminding myself

Hi folks this thread caught my eye ! After almost 16 years single I took the plunge doing OLD and began a FWB relationship with a guy because that was all he was offering and I was desperate to sleep with him ! I am now drawing a line under it and have worked hard to put some distance between us. He was a very nice guy but I hated how he was in control of how often we met (infrequently so nobody caught feelings) and I knew going into it I already had feelings and after sleeping with him they increased so I realised I was doing far more yearning and getting disappointed than having actual fun. I imagine it can work well if both parties have the same level of feelings but I don’t think I am temperamentally suited to such relationships because I fall hard. It’s been disappointing to find out after 16 years I haven’t changed much in this regard but at least I ended it after a few weeks rather than hanging on hoping he would like a relationship.

am definitely a people pleaser and will bend over backwards to try and be understanding @Clytemnestra21 . But that’s why I confronted my FWB as I’m trying to learn boundaries, but maybe I’m being too boundaried haha.

I think for me I also get some perverse security in pursuing someone I can’t have, insted of putting myself actually out there into the threat of heartbreak in real dating. I carry a lot of heartbreak baggage from a previous relationship, mayb others here do too?

Hi and welcome. This sounds very familiar to me! I’m 6 months into the fwb

@comingintomyown welcome! Sounds like you’ve exercised a lot of self control in walking away from this. I think you’re right about having similar feelings - an imbalance means heartache for one person.

@fknEndlessCycleI’m with you on the heartache baggage. Ex husband of many years broke my heart quite spectacularly and I think it’s ruined trust for me.

my news is I’ve been on one date from OLD app - it was nice but I wasn’t attracted to him.
got another date tomorrow with someone I’m very drawn to, But, I think he may just be looking for something casual/FwB so may just be more of the same!

How did the other date go?!

Yes, hope the date went well @Clytemnestra21.. good idea to go into it with a really clear idea of what you do or don’t want.