45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

I mean I understand the view though. Alcohol is a poison.

@Gvgsdf

it is. But it can also be really enjoyable. And there lots of things that we do that are not good for us. Also if a person doesn’t wanna drink that’s fine but don’t be snotty and judgey and superior about those who do enjoy a drink

Grown adults living with their parents (and by this I do not mean having their own wing and separate entrance or living on their land on a huge estate-I mean regular people ranging from the well off to the destitute but in 'A' house, same front door, same communal areas makes a nightmare for dating IMO and smacks of someone not wanting independence which is a huge red flag.
My ex's parents were comfortable. They had a large house, mortgage paid off etc, not a poky two up two down or anything like that but it was still a nightmare and I felt like I were dating a child who hadn't quite got their life together yet. Not to mention the awkward chats and feelings of just 'what they hell, why am I bumping into someone's Dad in my dressing gown on my way to the bathroom? Why do I come back from a night out a bit tipsy and have to make small talk with her Mum?
Ex would have a lie-in but I didn't feel I could go and make myself a cup of tea and stick the TV on, I had to sit twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to rise.
It's just not very attractive.

The smoking issue is a red herring. The man is a red flag.

Its a no go. Move on

Is this a joke thread? I was gonna advise you to dump him just on the smoking thing. Today he doesn't want you to smoke, tomorrow he doesn't want you to, oh I dunno, wear make up/trousers/hairspray etc?

However, after reading the above post from you? Why are you even considering staying in touch with him?

Weird!

He's probably trying to figure out if you're worth the effort (it might be a deal breaker for him) or whether he should just stop investing time now. I can understand because it would be a deal breaker for me.

Everyone has their vices and not everyone wants to be in a relationship with someone who has particular ones.

Drinking responsibly is up to the person but I wouldn't date anyone who drank to the point of getting drunk, or excessively.

That's what dating is though, isn't it? Figuring out compatibility.

Provide him comfort for what, exactly? His failure to launch?

I’m really confused as to why OP didn’t just lead with the comments about ‘the view’ in the first place. That would be what might put people off. Living with parents….meh it depends on the reason and how responsible they are. Drip feed to make him less likeable?

Bin

You clearly don't like him so it's fairly irrelevant

I don't think I would date a smoker though. I hate the smell and it gets everywhere

As if THAT is worse than him being a real creep

I didn't say it was worse.
I said what he is like is irrelevant as you don't like him so surely aren't going on more dates with him

And then, as a separate point, I said I wouldn't date a smoker.

Being a smoker would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t want anyone smoking in my house. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t think you smell of smoke, you do. And it’s grim for non smokers.

him still living in his childhood home is irrelevant tbh.

I wouldn’t date you so it’s completely irrelevant.

I think the childhood home thing depends. At 45 I'd assume it's due to a great deal of affection and love for his parents and also to save money. But I'd expect him to keep his room tidy and not expect his mum to do it. He should definitely help out at home and contribute to the food shop etc at least occasionally.

Steady girls, steady....

I’m not sure what you want from this thread, OP.

Lots of people don’t want to date smokers. You must know this. This chap is one of them. So, you’re not what he’s looking for. The fact that you have previously had ‘devoted non smoking boyfriends’ is irrelevant to that.

Similarly, lots of people don’t want to date a 45 year old who lives at home. You’re one of them. So, he’s not what you’re looking for.

In addition to that, his comments about the ‘view’ were grotesque and would have been enough for most women to bin him off immediately, regardless of his living situation. It’s interesting that they weren’t an instant complete dealbreaker for you.

All of this has been said multiple times on the thread. Yet, you only seem interested in having snarky exchanges with people who don’t like smokers (as is their right). So, what is it you’re hoping for here?

Women who never leave the family home by middle age/still live with parents, generally tend to be well-balanced, fairly mature emotionally, and confident, and able to do domestic tasks and general life admin.

Men who have never left home, and are still living with parents in middle age, are far more likely to be giant man babies who can't iron a pillowcase, can't cook a basic meal, never do housework, have very few life skills, and are emotionally stunted.

And as I said, most cannot drive.

I would never go on a first date with such a man, let alone get into a relationship with him.

Not unreasonable. Smoking is disgusting, the smell clings to everything.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter

not as unreasonable as still living with your parents at 45

I get that, but we aren't talking about a 45 year old in 2050. He's 45 now.

I know lots of men who still live in their family home, albeit in some sort of wing or annexe, and they have enough financial stability to purchase their own house etc but choose to be near their ageing parents to be able to see and spend more time with them. I find that admirable that they have a close bond with their parents as both my husband and I do, he lived in his family home (self contained wing with own entrance, bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen etc and garden) when I met him, carried on living there till after his parents passed away. We eventually decided to sell and move away. In fact, in some communities, it’s the norm for kids to do this till they marry and move out into their own home.

You clearly dislike anyone’s opinion that doesn’t agree with yours re the smoking or living arrangements so why did you bother posting unless for validation of your opinion? If he offends you so much, just stop dating him, it’s hardly something you need to ask everyone just so you can disagree with everyone 🤷🏻‍♀️