45 and still lives in the house he grew up in with his parents, but he objects to me smoking

[WildflowerGardens]

So I had a first date with a man, 45, who it turns out still lives in the house he grew up in, with his parents. He has never moved out despite having a good job and no illnesses.

I left home when I was 18 to go to university, and since then have rented with friends or partners.

I was going to let it slide as he seemed like a nice man, but after our date he was texting regarding meeting again and then texted “By the way, do you plan to give up smoking?”

During our date I had had one cigarette in three hours, which I had well away from him and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards.

is it reasonable of him to ask me to give up smoking after one date? And should I be perturbed that he lives at home at 45, never having left?

I would be put off by someone who doesn’t have a plan to be independent because I wouldn’t want them to live with me. Personally I wouldn’t date a smoker and would find out before the date. I think you are mismatched from the off op.

He's giving me the creeps from all the way over here @WildflowerGardens 🤢

Absolutely. There are lots of differing cultures around the world, where family structure and the way people live, eat and sleep is organised in different ways and the demographics and housing situation varies wildly. Let's presume OP is in the UK in 2025 and she hasn't met someone who has been given a floor of the house, a wing or an annexe, or a cottage in the grounds.

The current norm in the UK for 45 year old men is that they are able to stand on their own two feet and were encouraged to live their life independently at the right time, which would be as a young adult. If this didn't happen, the resulting living with mum as a middle aged man, means that they are behaving like a child or a young teenager and that is inherently, very unsexy and offputting if you're looking for a boyfriend.

I think the obsession with having to move out is very much a UK, US, Australian thing. I don't think it's as much of a stigma in Europe to remain in the family home. Sometimes people, who would like to stay where they are, move out because they feel they ought to, into grotty accommodation shared with people they don't like, paying money they can't afford. It takes a certain level of maturity and flexibility to stay with your parents, though.

Do you think that the next generation will not have relationships/children, etc?
Or would you be expecting the partner to move in too?

He’s a 47 year old who doesn’t own property, hasn’t had children and lives with Mummy and Daddy making sleazy comments about your bust and bikini on first date and now you’ve to stop smoking. Trust me he’s no fun and a controlling waster. I haven’t smoked in 20 years but I’d rather a smoker who’s actually got their life sorted than the Mummy’s boy. Actually I’d rather a weed smoker as I occasionally partake in that myself.

If I come across these types (they’re many). They may not live with their parents but they want you to stop smoking, wear what they like, act a certain way, whilst they have an absolutely atrocious personalities which inhibits their socialisation and networking abilities as most people don’t find this type appealing to mix with. Let me guess. He has a very small circle of friends and no female friends?

I don’t get it. Not owning property and having no firm plan in life to provide. What did/does he actually want to do with his life? I’m that age and most of us were buying our properties at 25 even if he had bought a property to rent out during the boom it would’ve have some foresight. He’s got none and acts like an old woman fussing about fag smoke.

Throw him back in!

Not sure that a lot of young adults are even bothered about relationships beyond just having fun hooking up with different people. Especially the men. Young female adults I come across seem to have to turn more and more to dating sites where a lot of men just don't seem to want commitment. My son is 24 and none of his group of friends are in relationships.

I mean if the house is big enough I don't see the problem. I understand if there's a lack of rooms but if there's enough space for the parents (one bedroom), the adult child and their partner (another bedroom) and potential DC (another bedroom) then I don't see the issue. You kinda need a big house to have enough space. But once together you can all pool costs and resources and it'd save money.

@EarthlyNightshade @Livelovebehappy Interesting conversation you two are having. Shows how times are changing. I think attitudes are lagging behind, hence it still being remarkable that someone lives with parents.

You've had one date? If he wants to date a non smoker then he should but it's a bit weird to ask someone if they will give up smoking after one date.
The fact he lives with his parents has nothing to do with his smoking preference, but if you don't like that about him then don't date him.
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible

Maybe it will be normal in 20 years for people in their 40s to be living with their parents.
I really wouldn't want that life for my own children though. And I know that they wouldn't either!

Nor would I, and nor would mine, not in their 40s. However it strikes me as just a bit toxic that there's this pressure to move out much younger or be thought weird. The term 'failure to launch' is terribly judgenental.

No, the essential question is - has he ever left home?

No, he hadn’t. He has never left the home he was born in - he attended a local university and lived at home; has never flatshared; has never lived with a girlfriend; has never signed a tenancy agreement.

Bottom line is you think he is a creep and yet have created a thread asking for others opinions on him living at home and asking you to stop smoking. You think he is a creep so what's the problem?

Almost like I’m a high flying independent woman who can ask for a second opinion if I need one, hmm?

Your opinion is he is a creep- no one on here has met him, so if you think he is a creep what do you want others to tell you?

Perhaps you have nothing better to do than antagonise me, but I’ve neither the time nor the inclination to engage further with you

Your still here on page 12 over a man you find a creep.

It shows a slightly unhealthy mindset to be so obsessed with a guy you met speed dating and simply don't like that you have to continue posting.

Why waste your energy? Genuine question.

Yes that's what I was wondering but was met with an attempted insult. If she hadnt decided whether or not she was keen on him and was looking for advice on whether to overlook the smoking comment or housing situation then I'd understand, but in one post she describes him as a creep. If you think a guy is a creep after one date then why would you care about how he lives or whether he likes smoking.

You obviously didn't click after the first date. Just end it there. Why make a MN thread?

What do you see in him that is appealing to you?

She just wants to make a point and have posters agree with her criticism of him. I think he's dodged a bullet.

Why does ANYone make MN threads, about ANYthing?

Silly thing to say!