Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

The fact that you keep coming back to this thread OP and arguing with everyone, says it all.

You have appear to have zero self-awareness, little emotional intelligence, a skin as thick as a rhino, because you simply aren't engaging with any comments that say this.

I'm not wasting more of my day 'talking' to you and maybe no one else should.

@TipsyFairyHic

I agree, we are all shouting into the wind.

But he can’t go back and un-forget so genuinely what’s he supposed to do or say?

He apologised for forgetting, you graciously say “don’t worry about it, these things happen, I will go to storage or the shops since I don’t have a job and will get what’s necessary”…

You can’t jump down his throat whenever he does some tiny thing differently from how you demanded it!

Your asking him to not be defensive but your putting him in situations to make him defensive op daily by the sounds of it. He's probably at the end of his tether.
How would you feel if he was listening to you talk in the shower, talking through what you had to do the next day and then accuse you of talkibg about him and demand instant emotional support, I bet you'd be a bit like what are you doing? You'd be annoyed. I feel if this was a reverse post and a woman said her male partner was listening to her we'd all be like run for the hills.
You may wish to look up bpd you do sound like you meet the criteria and a fear of abandonment comes through in your posts. Your partner is not there to be a crutch for you op. Your therapist also sounds useless tbh. Find yourself a better therapist and challenge yourself not your partner, therapists shouldn't be door mats and just go along with whatever a person says we are trained to listen to what you do say but what you also dont say and figure out the true story what's really going on

This man needs help to get away asap before @togo1004 destroys him.

At some point, he will leave you. Its not a question of if, its a question of when, as nobody will tolerate being henpecked and bullied like that indefinitely. All it will take is for him to meet a chilled out woman he clicks with to realise just how bad he has it at home. And thats when you will crash and realise just how badly you messed things up. Going to leave this thread now, ive been reading a long since the start, and I'm going to be honest with you: it's a really bad sign you dont have any friends in your life anywhere at all. It suggests that in person you come across as unpleasant and self centered.
If I were you I would seriously look into doing some volunteering in the community. You badly need something that takes your focus away from yourself for a few hours a day, something that stops you wringing your hands over your boyfriend not buying toilet paper.

OP
Try for just one week biting your tongue on anything vaguely critical.

Anything like advising him what he needs to do, anything that sounds negative including giving advice, asking why he does something, telling him ypu feel bad about something, telling him you dont like something, Etc.

Just bite your tongue.

Then in thise moments think of a think you like about him. Force yourself to say that every time you want to give advice or tell him your disappointment.

After a week, see how he is around you. Does he seem lighter, happier

OP, you a a trainwreck and you are not ready for a relationship. Please listen to people and do therapy first before engaging in a relationship. It is abusive to your partner and will lay awhile new set of traumatic memories for you……and him.

This is what I'm doing now, it's really difficult but I'm doing it now. For 3 days now there's been peace.

I don't know why when he disagrees with me, I feel so triggered. I can't make out why, if I send him a reel I want him to agree and when he doesn't I feel fire inside. I know this isn't normal but I can't control it at all.

I'm not arguing, I just want people to see from my point of view.

Am I really wrong for wanting my fiance to hear my feelings? Am I really wrong to not want to be cut off when I'm in mid sentence?

14-year-old boy reverse posting? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think what people are trying to get across to you is... It's not all about you! There are TWO people in the relationship, TWO people who have feelings. TWO people who don't get it right all the time because they are human. You seem to think that HE must understand that you are anxious and troubled, but HE is not allowed to be! All YOU care about is how YOU feel, what HE must do to make YOU feel better, to not upset YOU, to make YOUR life easier. HE is not allowed to make a mistake, get it wrong or be in anyway flawed. You expect him to mind read you and act accordingly without any word from you. You say you listen to him, but you really don't, you hear the words he is saying and twist them to make them about YOU and what YOU need. What he wants is irrelevant, unless they fit what YOU think he should want.

You have admitted that if you were in labour and something went wrong, you would expect him to choose to save YOU. That alone is an indication of how self absorbed and selfish you are. I don't know of a single other woman who would want her baby to die so she could live.

I'm not arguing, I just want people to see from my point of view.

Hilarious. 😂You're arguing now.

It's like a toddler stamping their feet and saying 'I'm not having a tantrum'!

You're behaving with posters like you behave with your boyfriend.

Bullying, not listening, fingers in ears.

You're being too kind with that comment.

Yes. Because you do not hear him. You are selfishly entitled. You believe you deserve this but you do not do this for him. You do not listen to him at all and this thread proves it

Thinking this might be a joke post now 😆

I wasn't joking, I meant it literally!

Three days of peace because you’ve pulled back from being a self obsessed pita. 3 whole days must seem heavenly to your bf. Are you fit to burst because you’ve had to think about someone other than yourself for three whole days?

Here’s where one of the main problems lies….you are confusing the idea of ‘having my feelings heard’ with ‘telling my fiancé every time I have a negative feeling and expecting him to help me process it’. The principle of having feelings heard is a good one, but you are taking that principle and using it as a stick to beat your fiancé with.

The fact that a) you seem to experience such a large amount of negative feelings on a daily basis and b) the fact that you don’t appear to be able to rationalise and process your own feelings at all means that you should not be applying the principle of ‘I need to get my feelings heard’ in this way. You really need to get professional help for your anxiety and for your inability to manage your thoughts and feelings. Your partner cannot do this for you, he just can’t and you are unreasonable to expect him to.

To give you some perspective, DH and I also believe in the principle of listening to each others feelings. and this is how it plays out:

Most days any discussion about feelings extends to complimenting each other and saying we love each other. Other discussions are largely practical or say, discussing something we’re watching on TV or news about family and friends.

Occasionally one or other of us might want to discuss a situation at work that has invoked negative feelings. It might come up in general conversation or we might say ‘can I talk to you about this sometime today?’ We pick a good time, talk it through and decide what of anything needs doing, have a hug and that’s that.

Very occasionally one or other of us does or says something that upsets the other. I’m talking once every four to six months
maybe…hard to say because I don’t keep a record but it feels rare. Again we sit down and talk about it. It’s likely to either be a big thing we see differently or a habit one of us has got into that leaves the other feeling put upon or put out in some way. We agree a way forward, apologise, hug and that’s that.

Do we have negative thoughts other than these occasions? Yes of course, but we manage them, which means things like letting it go until we’re not feeling cross and then analysing whether we have a point or are just feeling ratty that morning, or it means realising that the other person is dealing with a lot too and absorbing it, or having a moan to a friend (or in my case DSis) and then moving on. The point is that negative feelings are part of life and you have to learn to manage them yourself (that’s part of what being a teenager is about!) and not expecting others to do it for you. You need to get some perspective on what you are asking of your fiancé because it’s just not reasonable.

@CoughCoughLaugh She sounds like the sort of person who put her child in front of her as a shield instead of the other way round.

By ‘hearing you’, you mean ‘agreeing with you’ there is no man going to do that every single time in an equal relationship.

OP you’re trying. I see that and it’s great. And it’s a massive step forwards.

A big part of the problem seems to be about you needing to be ‘right’. the following are just a couple very recent posts you made:

• I send him a reel I want him to agree and when he doesn't I feel fire inside.
• I'm not arguing, I just want people to see from my point of view.
• Am I really wrong for wanting my fiance to hear my feelings?
• Am I really wrong to not want to be cut off when I'm in mid sentence?

I have a question for you: what would happen if others think you’re doing or thinking something ‘wrong’ I mean who cares what others think? You can have different opinions you know.

my take on this is : get a full psychiatric assessment, work through your own trauma, if you want to keep the relationship I’d stop the couples therapy for now as I think both parties need to be mentally okay enough for it to work and with all due respect, you appear a little unstable.

its great you seem to be able to process angry feelings by yourself the last few days (like when you went out instead of raging at your fiancé)

good luck

But why the fuck do you think anyone, let alone your 'partner', wants to be sent crappy Instagram reels? It's not real life. It has no value.

Even friends send each other reels, what's wrong with that? I just send him what I think is profound and good. I also send him funny animal reels and he loves them because we both love animals.

OP is obsessed with these, it’s really terrible about the effects of social media. Many of these posts are AI rubbish, they are click bait for engagement, then your feed is all based on an algorithm- OP claims to be a ‘programmer’ but then seems to have zero awareness of how instagram is feeding her an algorithm of bullshit which is ruining her life and relationship!