Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

nope shes in debt and doesn't pay a penny towards her costs/expenses... despite the fact she sits around watching films all day (when not berating him) then they go out to eat on dates (sorry not dates as she doesn't think 'eating' is good enough to count as a date)

At this stage it’s clear the OP isn’t seeking help - she’s seeking validation… to carry on as she was and will always be.

If you believe that, you should never ever become a mother. For god's sake please do not bring a poor child into this mess - it would be an unbelievably toxic situation for them. You badly need a complete change of perspective - you are using and abusing this man and completely unable to sustain yourself at a basic emotional level - please move back in with your parents and do the hard work to get yourself to a mentally healthy level that will allow you to be a decent partner to someone.

@togo1004 Few more years and you really won't be doing well if you don't look after yourself. Your place on the hot/crazy matrix will slide. You'll have to develop a good personality. Previous posters have offered solid advice to this end. Or just leave humans alone and get cats.

Didn't the schools break up today?

Still, very entertaining.

She apparently lives in Asia and has started several threads recently but we have no idea if any of this is even real, it's not entertaining, it's sad and pathetic whether it's true or just a load of fantasy cobblers

In the unlikely event this is real, you're just an abuser OP, and I hope your partner escapes you before too long.

I've seen two comments like this and it's pretty insulting to autistic people. It's possible OP is autistic - we don't know her. However there's absolutely nothing she'd said in this threat that suggests autistic traits.

You get autistic people who are narcissists. You get autistic people who are arseholes. You get autistic people who are abusive to their partners. Autistic people are, ultimately, people.

But this self centred me me abusive behaviour the OP has been showing on the thread is a million miles for a typical autistic presentation, as her her responses to comments. I can't understand why two people now have suggested autism.

OP
You sound incredibly insecure and needy. This can be solved but you need to learn new habits.

I think you might find this useful reading:

How to Overcome Neediness and Save Your Relationship

^^

OP even babies need to cry for support to let their mothers know they need something. these messages are even important for someone who loves them unconditionally and are hard wired to be tuned into their every need.

it's literally human instinct to ask for help, love and support, rather than just assume or expect it. if you were in prehistoric times and assumed someone should just know you need rescuing from a grizzly predator whilst out hunting, and didn't call for help, you'd be dead. instead of blaming your partner for your feelings, you could just tell him you're feeling anxious and ask him to support you in that moment, without blaming him for what you're feeling. whether that be through finding you a weighted blanket, holding your hand, or just sitting quietly with you whilst you journal out those feelings. but you also have to support yourself emotionally too. you also have to stop dumping all your thoughts and emotions on him, his nervous system needs to rest. if you're anxious that's on you to work through. you have every right to ask him to be there during those panic attacks, but only in a way which he's comfortable with and respects his boundaries.

i say this as someone who has been in similar shoes to your partner.

www.7cups.com is a good website for when you're feeling anxious and need support of others or to feel listened to. it's not just therapy, it's volunteer listeners and sharing groups where you can vent unjudged. you could also keep sharing on here about your progress...even though you're getting a tough time, the women of mumsnet love a good character arc, and would support you if you could develop some better awareness of your situation.

You need to listen to the recording OP. It sounds like he actually tried to listen to you and talk to you first but I would also feel confused if I was preparing for e.g a work presentation and my husband came in and started saying I was being negative and making them feel pressured. I might be wrong but it sounds like you are trying to put on your past issues / unresolved issues on him when you should just get help from your therapist on that. The fac that he has offered you alternatives to sit and do some gratitude exercises means he cares for you and is willing on working on your relationship. You need to put in the effort as well and not always go out of your way to seek him out to start a fight cause I’m sure he can only take so much.

This thread needs deleting. There is about a 2% chance it is genuine and if it is the OP needs serious mental heath support, potentially as an inpatient. Keeping this up on the internet is a safeguarding issue.

I'm a therapist and I'd feel uncomfortable listening to this recording tbh were you hoping they'd agree with you op? It's not our place to be so in loved. I think your partner was just minding his own business on this occasion so I feel you may need to work on your own wellbeing rather than changing him at this moment in time. Is this something you're working on in therapy?

To be so involved not loved 🙄

I’m really concerned for both of you. You are treating your fiance like a therapy animal not a life partner. He is another human with wants and needs just like you and yet you are expecting him to both anticipate your every thought and meet all of your felt needs right at the moment that you feel them. That is neither fair to him nor healthy in a relationship.

The fact that his talk in the shower caused you anxiety is your problem not his. You say that all you needed was ‘a few reassurances that he loves you’ and to be listened to. What do you think he needed at that time? Maybe to have a bit of head space to finish his thought processes and to get dried and dressed? Why do your ‘needs’ always over ride his?

When I need to talk to DH, maybe to discuss an issue I have or ask his advice over something that’s bothering me or whatever, even if it’s an issue in the relationship that’s upsetting me, I still pick my time to do it. I don’t, for example speak to him about it as soon as he gets in from work, or last thing at night, or when we only have a few minutes to spare because that’s not fair to him. I know that he needs some decompression time when he gets back from work and the kind and respectful thing to do is to wait, because it’s a relationship of equals and my cares and needs aren’t more important than his. And he treats me with the same care and respect. If he knows I’m under pressure at work or feeling hormonal, he will take things off my plate in some way or find some way to make sure I feel cared for. That’s what a relationship should look like - both people looking out for the other one.

Stop and think for a moment - what are you bringing to this relationship? Because it can’t just be about you having your feelings ‘heard’ every time you feel something and neither can it be about your fiancé bending his life around making sure you don’t get anxious about random things. I’m not really sure you’re in a place where you can give a relationship what it really needs.

@CommissarySushi i totally agree - isn’t it funny how the ‘therapist’ now seems to agree that all OPs feelings should be validated.

OP must surely be a troll, no man would be able to put up with this coercive manipulation.

I suggested OP see a psychiatrist on last thread and land my comment was deleted. I’ve know two people behave in a similar vain - one was having a psychotic break and the other was mid breakdown and then diagnosed BPD. Not saying that’s OPs diagnosis as I am not qualified in any way but I’m surprised MN have allowed this thread.

Problem is that OP keeps adding fuel to the fire with her comments which she has done previously, it’s almost like she just lives for a state of stress and arguments.

THIS all day long.

I'm getting Jodie Arias vibes....
🔫🗡

It does seem symptomatic of BPD. Living for drama, always feeling victimized, high emotional lability.
She is not going to face the reality that she was in the wrong, so IMO there's not much point in engaging with her.
Her partner must be a saint to put up with that level of emotional intensity. I would be exhausted by it very quickly.

First, I don’t watch films all day. I work quite a lot, I’m a programmer.

i don’t berate him all of the time. The main issue I have with him is that when I goto him and want to discuss about my feelings about a situation I’m met with defensiveness.

this is toxic as well. https://youtube.com/shorts/36sYyUeQK7g?si=f4Dk1AbvsSDfMWMv

https://youtube.com/shorts/dqKISTDexO4?si=or7BpjT_QanLlqQy

there are plenty of videos exactly explaining my thoughts as well.

please hear me out guys, it’s not just me. This is why I suggested therapy to him as well and he thinks he doesn’t need it!!

https://youtube.com/shorts/pCgaRv2i6Uk?si=5JezpLoJSRVIBl4Z

please check them
out too

im not using him for money. If I was some sort of a gold digger I would have dated an actual wealthy man I’ve been approached by much wealthier men, im with him because hes charismatic, funny, gentle, handsome, and a gentleman and much more.

he was the first guy I met in my life to make me feel
safe.

Indeed.

I don’t live for drama. I certainly don’t feel like a victim. But I do feel unheard. I felt unheard for a long time and every time I try to bring this up to him he gets defensive and quick to cut me off.

for example I remember I went up to him quite a long ago about how forgetful he is with little
things. Like if i ask him to get toilet paper from
the storage or on his way home pick up some meat or whatever it may be he forgets sometimes. And if i goto him and try to express that it bothers me when he forgets instead of acknowledging he says “oh crap I’m sorry” and if I say “you need to write things down so you don’t forget”
he replies with “but you also forget all of the time” and starts listing the times that I forgot. I just feel this is so unnecessary. Then it’s always back “what’s the big deal? I just forgot because I was busy. I already apologized what else do you want from me?”
This is being defensive. Then we argue.

this is why I believe he set 2 days a week to hear me out because it sets a structured time where I can tell him my feelings.

yesterday I just had nothing to say because it’s been discussed a few days ago and he did everything he was supposed to.

Sweetheart, I didn't want to be rude and ignore your post but I really don't feel there's much I can say which will help. You can't see how trivial your complaints about your partner are and that he's right, you do make a big deal out of little things. If it was me I would probably get defensive too, because you are way too intense. The one thing I can suggest is that you might benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy. Your thinking is distorted and that needs to be addressed. Best of luck to you.