Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

I'm exhausted just reading op, it must be awful living like this, constantly needing validation, nitpicking, arguing, threats, drama, the fiance having to explain himself and being treated like a child. It's so toxic, they are both living the most awful life. No self awareness, just reams and reams of srgumentative nonsense. We are mugs being treated as free therapy.

I meant a 14 year old would have more emotional intelligence.

Because sending a funny or cute meme is not the same as sending emotional blackmail is it? Thats what you are doing, using IG reels to manipulate and blackmail your partner into doing and saying what stokes your out of control ego!

I wonder why OP said her first (long) thread was deleted?

By MNHQ or did she ask?

@TipsyFairyHic they put a post on it to say it was an error on their end

It was in error apparently so got reinstated

But of course op said it was because people were attacking her

I'm not blackmailing? I'm just sending him a reel that aligns with my view. That is all. And he gives me feedback and if he agrees or not.

I'm now trying to control myself when he disagrees with my view, it might be easy for you but it's very difficult for me to not get upset.

I’m a therapist.
I wouldn’t engage with a recording like
this as I’d be concerned that there was no way of knowing if the other party consents to the recording and also I’d want to be aware of the fuller context of what led to the conversation. A taped conversation like this,
in isolation, doesn’t present a complete story.
I question the ethics of your therapist.

Can't believe this is still going + OP is still being so stubborn despite so many similar replies!
Hoping it turns out that either 1. OP finally gets it into her head that she needs professional medical help if she's not going to destroy hers + her partner's lives or 2. This is all bullshit

He did nothing wrong. You were instant and spoiling for a fight. You need to work on your own paranoia and stop it causing problems in your relationship.
In that interaction you sought an issue where ther was not one based on your own paranoia. Then you would not let it go. You caused the argument.
If I was him I would be running for the hills. You sound impossible and exhausting.

It is emotional blackmail.

You are expecting a reaction from him. You are ‘trying to make him understand you’ and you punish him when he doesn’t understand you. You are using the posts to try to get him to see what he’s doing incorrectly.

You also don’t understand him. At all. When he talks you just get angry

When I sent a meme or post to someone, it is only to generate a smile and cheer up their day for a moment. I don’t expect a response or any profound life affirming discussion.

plus the info in instagram IS NOT REAL and has no meaning. It’s a word salad, you keep interacting with them so you keep seeing them, no one on instagram is understanding you either. These Reels and posts just give you yet another distorted view of how awful your boyfriend is and how hard done by you are. It’s toxic, you are toxic

Yes, I think you should be cut off mid-sentence when you are spiralling, when you are working yourself up, and need to be stopped before you instigate a fight that goes on til 6am.

This is the balance you can’t see. No, unreasonable responses/feelings should not be heard and ‘validated’. They should be called out as overreacting.

The short answer is: yes you are wrong for expecting this.

The longer answer of why is because you lack self awareness and healthy boundaries. Abusive behaviour absolutely should be cut off (NOT listened to and validated) by anyone who is the recipient of it, as most the responses in the thread have told you.

Most importantly, are you going to get out of this relationship? At best, it’s going nowhere and toxic to be in for both of you, at worst it’s very disturbing.

There is some hope to work on yourself outside of a relationship and find someone more compatible?

You are right to correct posters that said you don’t work, but that’s factual and not delusional as you are being about yourself in this relationship

we are giving it a one last go around with therapy and counseling, and if we are back in square 1 then we will have to end it as it's too much for both of us.

I don't feel heard at all, and he feels that I'm constantly accusing him over something he doesnt even understand what he does wrong.

Do you manage to "control yourself " at work if someone disagrees with you? Or do you also slap them, scream and shout and storm out?

@togo1004

if you don’t feel heard it’s game over really Op, he’s clearly not giving you what you feel you need so why not split up? Just be single for a bit or find someone else more suited to you.

I’ve run out of cares now. On to other threads while I’m on train journey. Have become utterly bored with OP.

Because he was able to do it before but why not anymore?

OP- the perception of not feeling heard is likely due to childhood neglect or abuse. What that means for you now is that you have a heightened sense of being ‘shut down’ in what are actually normal adult day to day interactions. Your partner will feel as if he is treading on eggshells, hence his suggestion to record your interactions. He is hoping to help you see that you are overreacting, but you can’t see that because you are affected by trauma. Internal boiling rage is not normal and is not okay. Taking everything personally is really not okay. Your comments on your partner always needing to put you before any future children are frankly unhinged and make me wonder why you are even considering having them if you feel like that.

You want him to hear your every feeling, every minute of every day, no matter how ill-founded or irrational, and you’re too wrapped up in your own head to see how crazy that is.

You’re nuts. Seek help.

Togo1004

you are not taking about your feelings ever ever ever.

you are hiding from your feelings by seeking confirmation and agreement with your thoughts.

“I feel he is being negative” IS NOT A FEELING. It is a JUDGEMENT.

NO ONE HAS TO VALIDATE YOUR JUDGEMENTS. EVER.

Your actual feeling might be “scared” or “defensive” or “curious” or “irritated”.

Serious idea - share with us a list of words that you believe represent actual feelings. And “triggered” is not a feeling by the way.

I genuinely think he’s had enough OP and he will not be able to tolerate much more of this. It’s changed because it’s got worse and it’s unbearable. You are sabotaging this. He tells you what he needs, he asks you to stop, he tells you why, you don’t hear him. His words don’t mean anything to you. His feelings don’t matter to you, only your own

In your fight to be heard, your partner is being silenced.

Sit with that a while

@insomniaclife if you really read into this, she was angry at him for being negative because he has criticised her for being persistently negative and perpetual victim. So she saw this as an angry opportunity to get back at him for criticising her.

this man is facing death by a thousand cuts.. there is a trauma wound he cannot heal and everything he does gives him another tiny cut.