Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

“…and he did everything he was supposed to.”

Not “what I asked” or “what we needed”. Just that he is supposed to do whatever you tell him.

Explain again how you don’t exhibit controlling language/behavior…

I already apologized what else do you want from me?”
This is being defensive.

Well yes he's being defensive... he already apologised for accidentally forgetting one thing, and you keep bloody banging on about it!! WHAT do you want him to say??

Good lord. His reaction to forgetting something is absolutely normal and completely unremarkable. He apologises, and when you still go on and on about it he gets annoyed and reminds you that you sometimes forget things too (and presumably when you forget things he doesn’t make a huge deal about it and want a long conversation about how it makes him feel).

There is absolutely nothing unusual or blameworthy about his response. The one exhibiting unusual, irritating and completely self-centred behaviour is you.

What did you want in that situation? A long discussion about your feelings, all because he forgot to buy toilet paper? I couldn't live with a person as totally self-obsessed as you seem to be.

I really hope he finds the strength to leave you soon.

I disagree with your therapist. I don’t think your partner did anything wrong at all. Why are you harassing him over his negative tone when he’s not even talking to you or about you? I am very sensitive to tone but even I think you are being absolutely ridiculous and unfair.

You shouldn’t have disturbed him in the shower. And after you. on did and he explained what he was doing, you souls have apologised snd left him to it.

Why does he always have to sound positive because a negative tone upsets you? What a lot of pressure to put on someone.

And not only did you disturb him in the shower minding his own business but you RECORDED him. That’s fucking horrendous.

You also need a new therapist. As your one should not have listened to such a recording, and they shouldn’t have validated your frankly batshit and abusive behaviour.

Because he tells me to be positive. So why does he get to be negative and I don’t? Isn’t that hypocrisy?

He was PLAYING ACTING a role as part of practicing his speech. He wasn’t ’being negative’ - he wasn’t being ANYTHING. if you hadn’t had your ear pressed up against the bathroom door, you wouldn’t even have known.

Your thinking is so distorted you can’t see straight. You can’t see how wrong your behaviour is. I hope this ‘therapist’ you’ve found starts to see a pattern after a couple of sessions and encourages you to seek more serious mental health support.

He was being negative while talking to himself, in the shower. And he was roleplaying. No, it is not hypocrisy.

You know what IS hypocrisy? Your repeated comments that being in a partnership means that you have to put your partner first. But you don't put him first - you put yourself first (and second and last). What you mean is that, in a partnership (and probably friendship), you, your needs, and your feelings, should always be first (and second and last and only).

I understand this now. I realized way later after I was calm. I’m saying at that moment I was drowned in my own thoughts like why he gets to be negative and I don’t?

He TOLD you this straight away so can you explain why it took you so long to realise it?

Can you see how this doesn’t make any sense? It’s taken you so long to realise exactly what he told you straight away when you confronted him.

Hint: you don’t trust him, so you did not believe what he said, you was so angry by what he said you. You do not listen to him either, you are not being a good partner to him either. You are not practicing what you are preaching and this is why you aren’t getting what you want from him.

What would you like him to say when you confront him about forgetting toilet paper, if an apology isn't enough?

You partner isn’t offering you this though, if he can’t satisfy your requirement to feel validated after two years he is never going to be able to.
You are trying to force him to provide something that’s he is incapable of providing. So you either have to accept that or you have to separate.

Why are you saying "but he does this and he does that" instead of working on the fact that you are the one with the problem?

2 almost full threads of everyone saying the same thing that you've chosen to ignore.

Leave that poor man and work on your many issues.

If I heard my partner talking in the shower and he sounded negative, my natural reaction would be to knock on the door and ask, "Are you okay?" I'd be worried he was upset about something and needed support.

Is your therapist actually real qualified? I find it difficult to believe that a trained therapist would say that about your fiancé. I would expect them to work with you on self soothing techniques and how to control your own thoughts while offering help with how to communicate in a constructive way.

Calm? What state of uncalm were you?

You secretly recorded him while he was trying to shower and not even addressing you. You created and dragged out this row. I actually find your behaviour quite troubling if I’m honest.

I don't want to hear anything I want him to listen to what I have to say, apologize and take what I say serious and acknowledge how much it actually bothered me instead of trying to brush it off as "nothing"

It wasn't a secret, I've mentioned many times, he's the one who encouraged that we record our conversations because he feels that I shove words in his mouth.

He said I should record our convos and share it with my therapist.

Have you read and understood ANY of the almost 900 posts here?

Nearly everyone says you are abusive, you are abusing this man, and need professional help.

Have you acknowledged that in your own mind?

It doesn't look as if you have.

because I understand I have issues now, and it takes me a long time to unwind from my own thoughts. I'm painfully aware of it now.

Have you ever listened to what he has to say, apologised, and taken what he says seriously instead of brushing it off and giving excuses?

Based on this thread, you seem to point blank refuse to admit you're in the wrong. You've constantly tried to justify the unjustifiable. It's always "yes, but..."

This wasn’t a conversation, it was his private time and you completely overstepped and invaded his privacy.

The fact after 100’s of posts all telling you this you’re still trying to defend the indefensible doesn’t volumes about how utterly self absorbed you are.

You sound absolutely exhausting OP. There is nothing more boring than having to listen to someone wanging on about their feelings for hours on end. And you make time to do this twice a week?

You're either compatible or you're not. You and your fiance appear to be not. If I was him I'd be out the door rather than have my every word and action analysed and found wanting.

Why do you deserve something he doesn’t deserve? Answer why you are more entitled to be heard than he is.