Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

BPD? If he was my brother id be contacting male domestic abuse charities and getting him away from you. Im sorry you are struggling with your MH, I genuinely am, but you cannot be in a relationship untill you sort your head out.

I think that’s the least of her problems.

Poor guy going from that to this.

I’m about 170cm and 50kg. Most people think I work out alot when I don’t even work out. My fiancé says that I have good bone structure and he’s shocked how I stay thin and lean.

tbh I have no idea either as most of my diet is bread butter and cheese lol

I feel more and more sick with every response OP. You are clearly very mentally unwell. Stop talking to online quacks and see a psychiatrist. For god sake. You are abusing this man! I want to grab you and shake you, you are destroying him! Thoughts are not facts! Thoughts can be wrong, especially yours. I did have some sympathy for you at the beginning, because I was you before a shit tonne of expensive therapy and years of hard work on myself, but you are just not listening! You most likely have EUPD/BPD. Ask me how I know?! Because I used to be you! This needs psychiatric professionals, not some online quack pretending to be a therapist! Get a fucking grip. I can’t read anymore of your justifying waffle. None of your behaviours is justified! I feel so so sad for this man, having to deal with being treated this way, day in and day out, he must be exhausted. Get away from him, get some help, sort yourself out and let him live his life without you treating him this way. Disgusting behaviour and you should be ashamed. If you have a personality disorder, it’s most likely not your fault….but you must take responsibility for your actions that happen as a result! It’s not okay to treat anyone this way, let alone someone who you profess to love! That poor man will be a shadow of himself by the time you’ve finished with him, and you’ll still be playing the victim. YOU ARE UNWELL! Do something about it!

I'm going against the grain here but I want to point out it's known that someone being abused can appear crazy, paranoid and abusive themselves (reactive abuse). It's how abusers get away with it for so long. Not saying that's what's happening here by the way, I'm 50 - 50 on this. What I do think is you need to leave him asap, it will give you more clarity and you can work out with your therapist what's going on.

I’ve never read a thread from a poster so self unaware.

Kindly, OP you've had a lot of positive and helpful advice here and on other threads. You're not taking it in. So whatever it is that is happening here, you aren't genuinely seeking advice and you aren't showing any signs of doing so. I feel sorry for you. But I feel sorrier for your partner. I've reported this as I think this is potentially damaging.

But you are literally financially living off him like a parasite.

You're not in the right place to have a relationship right now, OP. Your expectations are not reasonable. Please take time away from the relationship and focus on getting yourself better. There's no shame in that - in fact, it's a mature and loving thing to do.

I’m not a parasite. Ill be done with my debt in 3 months and I will start contributing financially.

he agreed that I should pay my debt off now, when I have no expenses of my own.

I think you’ve shown a complete lack of respect for his privacy. The poor man is in the shower and you’ve not only had your ear to the door but also marched in for an argument. Couldn’t be much worse but then you said you were recording him?!
I think you need to go your separate ways and have a long, hard think about boundaries.

You’re watching Lilo and Stitch after not speaking in therapy and kissing your partner. How old are you? I think your threads are a wind up. Go and see a psychiatrist. You definitely have a personality disorder and you need help.

You’re abusive in different ways.

Physically, as you’ve slapped him.

Emotionally, as you threaten to kill yourself if he leaves you.

Coercively controlling, as you’ve told him and shown him that you’ll have panic attacks to the point of passing out if he sees friends, attends church or volunteers without you.

Financially is another one of them, as you know he already supports family members but expect him to financially support you so you can pay off debt that isn’t his responsibility in any way.

I’m baffled that you can’t see that.

Actually think your therapist was too soft on you by saying he should have validated your feelings. Why would you even have any feelings about the poor man, talking to himself about his own business, that had nothing to do with you, while he was IN THE SHOWER. For goodness sake leave the man alone! You went in there invading his space, recording him, looking for a fight. Highly unusual behaviour.

You do have expenses of your own. You live and shower and eat there.

He’s the one who suggested to record convos because he thinks that I put words in his mouth...

So, on top of everything else, you gaslight him 🙄

Or, more likely, he’s worn down and trapped in an abusive relationship and either has normalised it and doesn't realise, or feels stuck.

no therapy, tues and thursday is where we talk about feelings. it was HIS idea to do this not mine.

Today there was just nothing to talk about as things have been very normal.

You are seriously underweight for that height.

There we go, that’s why he puts up with this shit 🙄

I didn’t see the other thread so I’m judging on this conversation alone. I disagree that both of you were in the wrong, I think only you were at fault in this conversation. To pick it apart:

He should be left to shower in private and in peace.

You thought he sounded negative while talking, but you couldn’t hear what he was saying so how could you tell if it was negative or not? Your judgement was not based on what was happening then but on something else - you were projecting.

When you asked him what he was doing he explained clearly what he was doing/talking about. At this point you could have realised you were mistaken and either dropped the issue or engaged with what he said, but instead you responded with a criticism.

When he challenged your criticism and counterbalanced it with reason, you repeated the same criticism, which naturally irritated him, and it became an argument.

You were feeling pressured by something that you thought was happening but wasn’t. As in, you felt pressured because you thought he was talking negatively. He explained three times that he wasn’t but you persisted in making it an issue. I would also have snapped and cut you off at this point!

There may be wider issues or other circumstances, as I said, I haven’t seen your other thread/s, but based on this conversation the problem was you.
It’s very difficult to have a positive relationship with someone who has anxiety/paranoia problems like this. I’d encourage you to keep going with your therapy.

You've been banging on that you never feel heard and how many issues you have with him not listening. Today you sit down and could have talked about all the issues you've gone on about in this thread but there was nothing to talk about because today has been "normal"?!

You CANNOT complain that he isn't listening to you if you don't speak up!

Lord its been 10 hours and you’re still going.

Do you ever relax OP?

I don't believe for one minute that you or this situation are real. But I do think that you must be quite an unwell person to have posted all of this, and I do hope you will seek proper help for everything you have going on in your life.