Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Things have been good today. I sent him an IG real about love/support. The quote was that “if someone has to ask for it, then it loses its value”.

he disagreed that it doesn’t lose value, because nobody is a mind reader and sometimes you need to ask for support/love if you need it.

i felt immediate anger inside me boiling but i told myself that “he’s allowed to have his own opinions on this” and i just told him that i disagree that if someone wants flowers but have to ask for them then it loses its value. He agree that gifts like that should be spontaneous but asking for support or love doesn’t make it lose its value at all. He said as a matter of fact, expecting someone to be a mind reader then getting disappointed when they fail to read your mind is just a bad habit all around.

i can feel the anger inside but this time i really held it in and smoothed it out by going outside to the store. It was extremely difficult but today for the first time I caught myself boiling just because he thinks differently than me

No, you aren't trying. You are just continuing to justify your awful behaviour. You won't listen. Absolutely nothing you have said about your fiance suggests he has done ANYTHING wrong. All the examples you've given are of YOUR poor behaviour. And complete lack of accountability or self awareness. You need better help with your mental health than you are currently getting...

@togo1004 I am not sure you are not a hoax now. Why are you so obsessed with IG reels? You don’t know the person who writes them they are literally complete made up rubbish and you trust them more than your partner? If you trust and value options of strangers on instagram more than you trust and value the opinion of your partner then this is seriously messed up. And you can’t see it

You felt anger boiling because he said sometimes you need to ask for support?!?!

You sound completely insane. I'd actually be scared of you

I'm with @Brokenforsummer

agree
She has never said anything nice about this man apart from the function of what he provides for her either, and even then it’s never good enough. She actively dislikes and resents most of his personality and life choices, and has plenty unattractive behaviours of her own

You say today has been a good day but you’re goading him into yet another argument by sending him reels about unmet needs in relationships.

You don’t allow him time to not be thinking about you and your needs, even when you’re physically apart.

You want to constantly be on his mind because your entire identity and focus is wrapped up in this relationship, despite you being the abusive one in it.

Please don’t have children, this is all so unbelievably toxic and unhealthy.

.....and don't forget, she also got very, very angry because he didn't want to go for a walk after taking her out for food.

I think OP wants a pat on the back for swallowing down that boiling anger. What she fails to realise is that boiling anger had no place bring in the scenario she just described.

😆😆😆

If she drinks too much coffee or the ice cream shop is closed she could boil over into a rage

You really have a lot of work to do with your therapist OP. In the meantime, you must try as hard as you possibly can not to give your boyfriend a hard time about anything emotional that comes up for you, because none of the things you are feeling are his fault.

Have you read up on the drama triangle?

Has she hell as like 😆

Dear god. The sooner this man gets away from you, for his sake, the better.

She's a ticking bomb,

I'm a bit worried about the water filter bloke that was coming round. Do we know if he made it home safely? Or was he tied up and interrogated for whistling a tune in a tone OP didn't like?

Op only reads the therapy meme posts in her Instagram algorithm and thinks they are real. If the drama triangle comes up she swipes away quickly

He's right.

I have never hoped that a post is a wind up as much in my life.

At best you are sat there howling laughing for dragging people in.

I really hope this is the case, otherwise you re one of the most self obsessed, self indulgent, narcissistic, petulant, dangerous people I’ve ever read a post from.

If your therapist is real, very doubtful, I hope they are doing everything in their power to have you sectioned before you damage him beyond repair.

Utter vile!

It’s a long post but I think she made him cancel it as she couldn’t cope with it. Then she has since interrogated him in the shower. There is a water theme emerging

Yes he's right, and a more appropriate response than anger would be for you to listen to what he's saying and understand he has a really good point. But well done for noticing what was happening for you and managing your reaction instead of lashing out at him, that's a good start.

Mostly you should be incredibly grateful to him that he's not yet kicked you out for making his life a misery, and try really hard not to make his life such a misery in future.

Ok, I’ll bite.

you asked for opinions OP and got them, but you’re not listening to anything people are saying on this thread. Either this is all bullshit or you live in your own echo chamber.

let the poor man go, you’ll push him to a breakdown

From someone who has been in a happy, healthy relationship for 20 years - this ain’t it. It really, really shouldn’t be this hard. No where near this hard. The whole situation is so far from anything that I could imagine with my husband. The therapy is unnecessary, you both just need to walk away. It’s like you’re trying to use a vase that has been dropped and smashed and put back together with glue and all the water is leaking out and the flowers are just barely surviving. Just go and buy a new vase!

OP, why are you only answering posts that are not questioning your mental health.
Your partner is quite probably afraid of you, I don't know how you can live with him knowing that.

He was practising debating on his own in the shower, in privacy. Away from you and in private. It really was none of your business and you seemed to have wanted to control his speech or start an argument. I was irritated by just your description ; goodness knows what pressure you put your partner under.

@OutdoorQueen
Spot on!
( but she won’t listen)