Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

"No if we separated I might literally die, I can't even imagine."

Please get some individual therapy to help you deal with your anxiety and dependency issues, @togo1004. I am afraid that I don't think relationship counselling/therapy is going to be able to help you until you have dealt with these issues.

Think of it like A&E treatment. If you turn up at A&E with serious injuries, the staff will treat the most urgent things first - no point suturing cuts until they have made sure you are still breathing - and you need the same sort of approach. Until you have addressed your anxiety, self esteem and dependency issues, you won't have the healthy mindset necessary for you to benefit from relationship therapy.

Red flags all over this post....and I'm not talking about the poor bloke trying to have a shower. Can you imagine not even being able to have a shower in peace.

I forgot to add -

I do understand the feeling of not being able to imagine how you'd survive without a partner - I have similar feelings, though in my case, I rely on my dh as a carer because I have physical issues limiting my mobility and my ability to do basic tasks like cooking, laundry etc, so he has to do a lot for me.

I do sometimes worry how I'd cope without him - but I know that this is MY issue, not his - and I have enough mental strength (despite depression and anxiety) to know that, if I had to, I could cope.

I hope you can reach a place where you feel the same way - whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is not healthy to feel that you are totally reliant on another person and wouldn't survive without them.

I’m wondering did you decide to record the arguments, and then tried to goad him into an argument so you could have it recorded?

I can’t think of any other reason why you you would press your ear against the door and keep on at him, when he was just having a shower and trying to stop an argument before it started.

How long have you been together? Are you both very isolated from all of your family and friends?

How did it get to this stage, are you working, and/or in contact with other people or is this relationship the sole focus of your life.
Have you access to a doctor where you are, if you are experiencing burnout?

I wouldn't sack the therapist for listening to the recording. So long as he has given permission for it to be shared in therapy, it sounds very useful for the therapist to hear the real dynamic. I wonder if the therapist actually said - he needs to..... or actually expressed what it sounded like would make your fears subside in the moment without stating that should be what he does? Just make sure you are seeing a therapist who specialises in anxiety, abandonment fears and anxious attachment as these are the things you seem to be expressing on this thread.

Your life sounds led by fears of rejection and anxiety and you want his life to be co-dependent on that - e.g. he doesn't do anything that sparks your anxiety like speak in a certain tone and that he cancels things that you say are making you anxious. You might interpret him changing and being led by your anxiety as an expression of love and that he won't abandon you - if he did change his life though, only anxiety wins and both your lives get smaller and smaller until they are both controlled by your feelings and fears.

Poor guy, you sound completely crazy. The day any man started listening in on me in the shower and recording my conversations would be his last day.

He’s the one who suggested to record convos because he thinks that I put words in his mouth and he suggested that I show it to my therapist.

we just had our session, and neither of us had nothing to say so we kissed and he went back to work and now I’m watching Lilo and stitch

this is more of a normal day for us.

do you guys think it’ll be beneficial for hike to post here? I’m not as crazy as you guys think I am

I think at this stage we should all stop engaging with the OP as they are probably ragebaiting (I'm aware of the irony of me writing this😂). They seem to be enjoying stoking the drama.

I have my next session in 3 days.

we will also do couples counseling in 2 weeks

Yet in your post above you say you've just had a session? Which one is it OP?

Do you really think the issue with how you acted here was not realising he had an issue breathing?

Like, if he didn’t have an issue breathing and just fancied going home after dinner rather than walking around, you’d have been totally justified getting “very, very angry” with him?

You are just totally unable to communicate in a proper, adult, appropriate way! It sounds like you fly off the handle the moment you perceive any tiny slight against you or he disagrees with anything you say. And then you hide behind “he didn’t validate my feelings”. When on earth in any of these examples do you validate HIS feelings?!

I'm not sure why OP would let him see 29 pages from people around the world saying she's nuts and this is an abusive relationship.

On the other hand, it would validate his feelings and might just be the boost he needs to end this madness. Maybe he should see it....and his parents, grandmother and friends. Yes, I've changed my mind. Bring him on board.

Good Lord. You need to end this relationship for both your sakes.

Did the schools break up today?

I know I feel the same. Especially after seeing the most recent post where they had their couples therapy and it went really well as they had nothing to say so just kissed 😆

I had my “talk about feeling” session with my fiancé is which is Tuesday and Thursday.

Do you think maybe all this therapy wouldn’t be needed if you were right for each other ?

I bet your therapist is raking in the £££

What utter nonsense bullshit is this.

You follow him round the house recording him, don't let him shower in peace, don't let him go out with his friends without you, slap him in the face, scream and cry at him for the most bizarre reasons, claim he's giving you an eating disorder because he wants you to eat healthy, get angry because he doesn't want to go for a walk after a meal....

But then you sit down for a twice weekly "talk about feelings" session and everything is fine and you have nothing to say 😂

He's probably terrified to say anything in case it sets her off again...

This isn't paid therapy. It's the two hour long sessions the OP has set aside each week for her and her fiance to talk about their feelings😂

Just out of interest, which part of Japan are you in?

Or is plotting to her leave her and just smiling and nodding to bide his time...

Honestly why is he even with you? What does he get out of this relationship? It’s completely toxic. You are abusive and toxic.

@togo1004 can I ask and obviously you don't need to answer if it's triggering in anyway but are you over or underweight? You mention on lots of posts and threads you prefer sweet foods and you DP trying to help with your eating habits.
I only ask as either of these can be contributing to your tiredness, I know you have an iron deficiency but so do many people who still work full time, run homes and manage families.

We love each other and despite my short comings im really loyal to him. He was cheated on and robbed financially in his last relationship and in the complete opposite of that.