Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

You really haven't.

It looks like he cares for you but you are too self focused to care for him. Do you have a past trauma? You need therapy for that.

He seems fine - quite normal. He doesn't need a therapist.

People are at liberty to relax at home.
Private time singing, planning etc. Not everything needs examination nor sharing with partner.

You could develop some activities that you enjoy doing by yourself at home. Do you read chapter books? Write poetry or a diary? Do you like listening to music? Watching a film on your own? Sewing? Knitting? Painting?

Support each other to have restful alone time at home as well as couple time.

OP, it seems that you are acting from genuinely wounded and frightened feelings and that you are genuinely trying hard to improve your relationship. But at the same time you are making life very very hard for your partner.
Can you imagine how you would feel if the ways you behave because they feel natural and comfortable to you, were constantly questioned by your partner and followed by tears and recriminations? If for example you took him out for a picnic followed by a lovely walk and had a good talk, but he said later he was disappointed that it wasn't a proper date because a date always involves a sit-down meal? You'd most likely be bewildered and upset.
That's what life is like for him at the moment. I hope your therapy helps and you can work through some of this.

So, you're ignoring his feelings then?

Today we are getting alone just fine, laughing, cooking and sharing food with each other.

Because he's doing exactly as you wish. Isn't seeing his friends, isn't in the shower or out of sight doing anything without you, isn't inviting anyone round for you to have to speak to....

I imagine the second he does something you don't like or approve of it will all go to shit.

“Yes i stil believe husband and wife should have each other as priority. lets say im giving birth and husband has to save me or baby, i would like him to save me..”

Mumsnet 2055, posted by Togo1004JR:

I have so many issues and I know it’s because my mother never should have had children, as she projected all of her anxieties and personality disorders onto me…

Most mums would say save the baby

So what have you taken from this thread and the many replies you have had op?

My advice to your fiancé.... RUN. Life is too short to deal with your angst, do the decent thing, leave him and solve your own issues.

Nothing, exactly the same as last time, reported.

I don't think you should be recording private conversations and sending them to your therapist for comment. And the therapist was wrong to engage with you on this. Recording people without their permission is abuse.

Most mums wouldn’t say that at all.

Have you told him that if he was to end the relationship you think you’d harm yourself?

That the shower incident was my fault. I still believe that he should have listened to what I had to say instead of cutting me off constantly.

Words fail me. You will give him children! FGS. What is this? Please don’t have children. Poor kids. In your current state, you don’t have the emotional stability to look after children.
In terms of the other things he asks for, you don’t give them either. Eavesdropping on someone in the shower and then demanding to know what they’re talking about is not respectful. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you to fuck off to be honest.

So you’ve learnt nothing.

OP I think you need a lot of help, you are extremely needy and say you'd die if you split up, you think he's talking about you, you feel the air is negative, reassuring you is never enough, you want more and more and more, the relationship is constantly up and down, you can't see the issue with your behaviour. This behaviour is pretty extreme and knowing you've had trauma in the past as well I'd think there was more to this.

Has your therapist suggested Borderline Personality disorder at all?

Edited to say that i didn't see your mum had a personality disorder, they tend to run in families so definitely worth exploring.

So, he was talking quietly enough that you couldn't make out what he was saying, just the tone. You then interrupted his shower to tell him his tone while talking to himself quietly put pressure on you?
I think your therapist feedback was wrong. No blame lies with him based on the scenario as you told it.

I am not surprised at all that your mother had a personality disorder and that you have had some childhood trauma. Have a look into Cluster C personality disorders and disordered anxious attachment. There are about 100 flags in your posts that would suggest exploration of features of a personality disorder but obviously diagnosing over the internet is a complete no. I think you need to see a psychiatrist rather than a bog standard counsellor as whilst talking therapies do help, people with PD's need a combination of care formulations for treatment to be successful. I am sorry you struggle so much and I am sorry people are jumping on you.

So then you don't think it's your fault at all then, actually.

OP, this is twenty four pages of people saying that you need to realise that you are abusing him and need serious psychiatric help and it hasn't even registered, has it?

Jesus. I wouldn't even think this about our dogs. If our house was on fire I would rather DH got the dogs and got out before helping me.

Honestly, it's probably because you are too intense for people. You have issues that you can't expect other people to fix.

Hundreds of people have explained that your behaviour towards him is abusive.

Do you, having presumably read them all and understanding they are from independent and unbiased different people, accept that is true?

I do feel sorry for her, but I also feel more sorry for the man she is horribly abusing, emotionally and financially, and has hit before.