Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Totally agree with your therapist

I think the poor bloke should have been left alone to have his shower in peace. I would have been mighty pissed off if some one started an arguement with me while I was in the shower and recorded it. This isn’t normal, respectful behaviour.

My thoughts are that you're batshit. Please let him go.

And recording arguments to play to your therapist is absolutely abusive behaviour. I don't believe you're seeing a real, qualified therapist.

This with bells on. Couldn’t believe what I was reading, poor bloke.

Your therapist is incorrect to say that he was in the wrong during the example you gave.

Yesh you’re just not compatible, sorry. You won’t sort this out.

He’s the one who encouraged that we record conversations. So I did what he asked me to do because he thinks that I put words in his mouth quite often.

my therapist said that he has a habit of cutting me off which is a big trigger for me.

You’re not compatable. Please don’t have children.

Leave him alone! You are interrupting him on something that had nothing to do with you and making it all about you. Even when he explained what he was doing.

Of all the toxic men posts I see on here this isn't an example of one. He's by himself in a private space practicing for a podcast. Some people like to work through all the negative thoughts so they can process their possible response.

Do you always listen to him when he's in the bathroom?!!

BREAK UP WITH HIM.

He was talking to himself while in the shower (where, presumably, he thought he had privacy). Not only did you record him (???) but you then thought that you could complain about how he was talking to himself. And now claim that your therapist says that he was wrong for not validating your feelings about how his talking to himself makes you feel?? Insanity.

How could you hear him if he was whispering with the shower running?

Gosh I’m not surprised you’re going through a rough patch. I’m sorry Op and maybe there’s more to it or it felt different when you were there but from your description he was talking to himself in the shower and you decided to go in and take offence and say you felt “pressured” then cry about it and storm off. That sounds incredibly difficult to live with day by day because it would mean he constantly has to monitor his tone and watch what he says…even when it has nothing to do with you.

At the bit where he said about the podcast could you not have asked him something neutral about the topics etc. By saying you sound negative then repeating it then saying it made you feel pressurised you started the fight. The poor chap was just acting out scenarios, was not being negative, was not aiming anything at you, was presumably not even thinking about you and was definitely not pressuring you. He was just doing his own thing. The whole thing sounds bonkers. Is this a typical fight? Is so it will be exhausting for him and he’ll be walking on eggshells.

You wouldn’t give up, would you, despite him trying to end your complaint? Keep poking and he’ll retaliate. Isn’t he allowed time away from you?

I don’t always but in the back of my mind I think sometimes he’s talking about me.

I recorded our conversation not the actual of him talking to himself. But I do usually ask what he’s talking about and lately he’s been getting annoyed by saying things like “why are you always so curious? I’m always just practicing talking because I love to debate and will be on a podcast soon”

but why does he get so defensive? My therapist said that I should let it go because it isn’t about me but said that his habit of cutting me off and not willing to hear my feelings out is where he’s wrong

He was probs cutting the conversation off as in his mind he was doing nothing wrong and was promptly reassuring you he wasn't speaking to or about you in order to shut this spiraling path down.

Are these interactions common? They sound exhausting.

Why is he not allowed to be negative to himself sometimes anyway? Your therapist said he needs to validate your emotions...who is validating his??!! He's processing them in the bathroom by himself. He's allowed to.

When my dp is in bathroom I'm certainly not listening.

You sound a total nightmare to live with. You are bullying your DP and haranguing him in the shower. Leave him alone in peace to have a shower. Stop stalking him.

Because he has one bad ear from being a musician when he was young so he’s not as quiet as he thinks he is. It was enough to hear tone when I put my ear to the bathroom door but whisper enough where I can’t make out what he’s saying.

You are batshit crazy and you need to break up with your boyfriend and have a lot more therapy before you attempt a relationship again.
Actually, your boyfriend needs therapy too because God knows why he puts up with you.

He was in the shower. He didn’t have to talk to you. Of course he should have cut you off it was his private time.

"I don’t always but in the back of my mind I think sometimes he’s talking about me."

In therapy you need to address THAT and why YOU feel like that. Not try and change him.

The fights usually start like this. I know that I have problems I need to work on. Because his defense all of the time is that he has no idea what he’s done wrong and he becomes incredibly defensive and cuts me off quite often.

but I feel as couples we should hear each other out no matter how big or small.

he suggested that we sit down Tuesday and Thursday evenings, no phones no tv and just thank each other and talk about our feelings if something is bothering us.

i agreed it’s a great idea so we will start today. And he did promise me he won’t cut me off again.

Put your ear to the door?

Please get professional help.

From a fully qualified therapist. Ensure they are BACP or similar registered.

If a woman posted saying her dp was putting an ear to the door when she's in the bathroom the responses would be v different.

Spoke about this to my therapist and she thinks that we are both on eggshells. That he’s on eggshells because he cannot be comfortable in his own home and that I’m also on eggshells because everytime I try to talk to him about my feelings he becomes defensive.