Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

It was his idea because he thinks I need it. He said he would only do this if

1. it’s not accusatory
2. talk in a calm open manner
3. 1 hour max
4. before we talk about what we need to work on, thank each other first.

i know he’s tired because i can see it. But im also trying. You don’t know what it’s like to never have your feelings heard.

Every single post on your previous thread told you your behaviour is abusive and so far removed from normal but all you do is argue constantly that you’re right and everyone else is wrong.

Every one of your responses is ‘me me me me me me me! - you are absolutely crossing every line with your intrusive, selfish behaviour and your poor partner must spend his life treading on eggshells when his every word is analysed and you’re obsessed with being validated.

I remember your previous thread you had a meltdown because he wouldn’t validate your over reaction to him dropping a sock - if you can’t see his batshit that is, then I don’t know what anyone can say.

Please let this poor man free to live his life

If my partner had started having a conversation with me in the shower, I would have been very irritated. It is one of the few places you can be alone with your thoughts apart from the 'bathroom' (American phrase!)'. It would have felt like nagging. And, yes, I probably would have said something like; 'Can you leave me alone, please?' to have MY feelings validated. Sometimes it is not about having your feelings validated, it is about getting on with the day and letting inconsequential stuff go. Feelings should be validated when a situation is dire or critical or serious.

This gets worse. You're abusive. Poor man.

Instead of recording your boyfriend, print out the threads on MN and give those to your therapist. You both need a massive reality check.

I agree with your therapist, you should have let it go and heard what he was saying (that he wasn’t even talking to you) but you just kept on and on.
This is not the right relationship for you. You’re essentially having marriage counselling before you’ve even got married, this relationship won’t work and won’t last.

OP You have a big problem.
That problem is yourself.
PLEASE do not have any children!

My initial thought was woah this is too much, back off. But I can understand being curious if you could hear a negative tone to what he was saying. But why do you feel pressured by that? Pressured seems like an odd word choice if what he was saying was nothing to do with you? Do you mean you felt anxious or stressed? Like maybe when you overhear an argument and can’t get away.

Or is he talking about you on the podcast? I wouldn’t want to be spoken about negatively on an podcast either, is this your concern?

Everyone has their difficult moments but I honestly don’t think relationships should be so much hard work. Are there good times too? How long has this rocky patch been going on?

I told him it sounds negative because his tone was very aggressive.

even when he talks to me he’s just a very aggressive talker in general. He doesn’t even stutter, actually I’ve never met someone who doesn’t even go umm or stutter when they speak he just goes straight and never stutters. It’s why he wants to do a podcast because he’s a great speaker. I’ve also told him many times that he’s the best speaker I’ve ever seen.

if I tell him it sounds negative I don’t want him to become defensive and say it’s not negative. I want him to ask me why I feel that way? And address it.

instead he just says its not negative and goes into a million reasons why. I’ve asked him to do this many times and he still doesn’t do it

You actually put your ear to the door? Wow. You have made this all about you and created all this drama over nothing. I would understand if he cut you off in normal conversation but you were listening to something you should not have been listening to. Then you called him negative and wouldn't drop it. This is not normal behaviour.

You quite literally get scheduled time to just discuss your feelings. You definitely get heard. You’re also likely to get dumped if you don’t wake up and smell the coffee.

Well, here you talked to him about your feelings about something that did NOT CONCERN YOU. You sound extremely self centered and difficult to live with. For his sanity's sake I hope he leaves you. For your sanity's sake I hope you get individual therapy. A lot of it before entering a relationship again.

Especially as from her previous thread he’s not even allowed to see his friends unless she tags along plus he is supporting her financially and she does very little housework as well.

If this was a man the responses would be 100% leave the abusive cocklodger.

@togo1004 i actually don’t think there is enough validation in the world that would reassure you and stop your unreasonable behaviour.

you are selfish @togo1004 . Obviously something has happened to put you in self protective mode, but now you are there, you cannot see the wood through the trees.

just imagine if the genders were reversed.

Nobody is getting their feelings heard as much as you are, OP. Trust me.

Read that back to yourself and decide if that sounds healthy. You put your ear to the door when he is showering to listen to him. You sound unwell. Perhaps seek a better therapist and some real life support. Step away from the relationship as well, this will end badly.

He does hear your feelings, he just doesn’t validate the ones that cause you to abuse him.

He heard that you felt he sounded negative in tone when talking privately to himself (because you pressed your ear to the door to listen), he just didn’t want to keep saying he wasn’t being negative when you kept saying he was.

You repeatedly accused him, in the example you shared in the first thread, of lying to him. He was unwilling to continue being called a liar repeatedly, that’s not him shutting down your feelings it’s him setting a reasonable boundary.

You are emotionally abusing him and he is utterly exhausted, has no privacy and is being told that if he doesn’t indulge your paranoia he is in the wrong.

To be honest I think the fundamental issue for me is that no relationship should be this much hard work.
2 nights a week discussing your feelings and seeing a therapist to work it all
out along with recording conversations and putting your ear to the door of the bathroom to hear what he is saying because you don’t like the tone is not normal, happy, supportive or caring which is what a relationship should be.
I don’t know if the problem is with you, him or the combination but honestly it should not be this much work.
I think you should seriously consider finishing this relationship and giving yourself some time. Possibly continue see a therapist to work on your trust and self esteem.

Wow poor guy was just having a shower, give him peace! I think you need to take sometime to work on yourself were you ignored as a child or overindulged?

Oh stop with the 'if it was a man' BS. Everyone is telling the OP she is being unreasonable.

No one is owed having their feelings heard all of the time op. He is not there to be your therapist 247. He is just trying to live his life, your feelings are for you to acknowledge and take care of.

As an adult you do need to manage your own anxiety and emotions.

It’s not his job as your partner.

Your poor OH.
You need serious help. You sound mentally unhinged OP. Everyone is saying the same thing, yet you just argue against it.

He wasn’t even talking to you, he was practicing something. Leave him alone. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your needs.

You definitely started this one. I feel your partner tried to explain calmly the first time you questioned him, and then you just went on and one. Have you tracked your cycle to see if there’s any connection to when to tend to argue? Your reaction sounds very hormonal.

If I tell him it sounds negative I don’t want him to become defensive and say it’s not negative. I want him to ask me why I feel that way? And address it.

This is absolutely mad on occasions where he knows you’re incorrect. If my partner tells me the sky is green, I’m not going to say ‘why do you think that’, I’m going to tell them ‘no it’s not, it’s blue’.

You view his behaviour through a lens of paranoia, you are not a reliable source of information when it comes to his tone.

Do you believe people when they tell you that your behaviour is abusive?

You need a new therapist. This one is not helping you at all.

Are you autistic?