Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

You sound really needy and seem to make everything about you. Him talking in the shower had nothing to do with you. You criticised him then got upset when he defended himself. Why should he validate your feelings when you needn't have got involved. No wonder you're having issues.

I think you need to end this relationship and work on your issues op. You are not in the best place to have a relationship at the moment.

Re read this OP!

He was naked and vulnerable yet he has to tend to your feelings in that moment.....

Out of interest, you mentioned that your other thread got deleted. Do you know why?

He was outside the shower at this point. And she heard our recording. I couldn’t get a word out and he kept saying “this is not cool. It had nothing to do with you so why would you feel pressured?” Then followed by “stop this stop this”

You sound suffocating OP - the poor man can't even have a shower & rehearse what he wants to say in peace & privacy without being interrogated (and recorded too!)

As other have said it doesn't sound as if you are compatible

Op please speak to your gp about psychosis and paranoia. I think your issues go well beyond a standard therapist. Please get some help.

He's the one walking on eggshells OP, not you.

I think the therapist wasn't being honest with you, because if she was, she would be losing a paying customer.

You seem very intrusive.

Because some members were attacking me.

im doing better now that we had conversation. I told him all of the times he’s made me upset. It really came down to this.

i need my man to let me tell him how i feel. I need him to hear me out no matter how big or small and I will hear him out as well. I want a relationship where I’m not afraid to express my emotions.

You sound very negative. You are negative.

you didn’t say … well done on the podcast… I look forward to hearing it….

it’s very attacking….you should have explained in more detail why it’s negative… but it all sounds child like.

You need to learn to mature (not always about you or your point of view) and communicate better

But he did tell you it wasn't about you. Apparently, not only does he have to do that, but he has to use specific secret words?

This. With bells on.

Nothing was about you or about your feelings. You made it about you but nothing was about you.
I would leave you.

Ok. Still, it's no way to live, being that anxious all the time. I strongly recommend seeing someone about medication for your anxiety. It will change your whole life.

This sounds unbearable. He sounds very patient. There are not many men ( or women for that matter) who would have the time or inclination to schedule 2 evenings a week to discuss their ‘feelings’ . . .

Totally agree with this!

Do you work OP? What do you do on a daily basis? I think you need help.

There’s nothing else I can take from this thread other than you sound like you’re not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship with anybody.

Sorry OP but I think you have some issues that you need to work through independently.

2 days a week to “talk about feelings” is completely unnecessary - this poor fella must be worn down by your behaviour.

I think your therapist is wrong, and you weren’t both in the wrong. YOU were solely in the wrong. The man was in the shower talking to himself. It was absolutely nothing to do with you. To even stand there and listen and work yourself up is unreasonable. To actually go in and insist on having a conversation about how he was upsetting you by talking to himself in private in a tone you didn’t like is absolutely mental.

It’s completely weird that his tone when talking nowhere near you and nothing to do with you has any impact on your emotions.

It’s entirely reasonable to be dismissive of how someone feels, if how they feel and how they handle that is utterly ridiculous.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. Assuming this is real … your boyfriend did absolutely nothing wrong. Your therapist is wrong to suggest he did.

If you believe that he is in the wrong for not getting out of the shower and stopping his rehearsal to instantly reassure you then you are, as a pp said, batshit.

Your boyfriend needs to come onto MN for advice so he can be told to leave you, because living with someone who lurks at the bathroom door, has zero boundaries over privacy, picks fights and then claims victimhood, and makes constant intense emotional demands is going to destroy him.

He shouldn't have to reassure you "a few times" everytime you demand it. That sounds completely exhausting.

This relationship is not salvageable.

You are abusing and damaging him and must stop.

You need intensive therapy for yourself so that you can learn to handle your own emotions, and how to have a good relationship.

You need to split up.

”You sound negative” was an appalling way to start a conversation, how on earth was he supposed to answer that in an authentic way when you believe he must validate your feelings at all times.
That’s a question- what words would have been acceptable to you at that point?

'pressured'?? Haha what do you mean pressured? It doesn't even make any sense. This can't be real. This is such a clever way of trolling. Inserting usual words in there that don't mean anything whilst talking about crazy behaviour as of it's normal.

He was in the middle of his shower! Not everything is about you.

Do you not have a lock on your bathroom door? I would be installing one asap if I were him.