Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

If this was my brother, I’d tell him to run for the hills. You sound truly awful. You are blaming your “anxiety” and need for your feelings to be constantly validated as reasons to effectively emotionally abuse your fiancé. Find a different therapist and leave the relationship if you care about him at all. You are so toxic it’s worrying.

You are abusive.

Of course he suggested recording your conversations - it’s what people feel compelled to do in relationships when they are being abused and gaslit, and are losing all sense of reality.

You’re intimidated by his new project as it’s something that you can’t control, so you’re twisting it into something negative in an attempt to make him lose confidence in himself and stop doing it. You don’t want him to be successful, or to be involved in anything that does not involve you. You want him at home, scared, beaten down and talking about YOUR feelings for hours.

I think the therapist was being very generous to you. I’d have told you to piss right off if you came barging into the shower wanting me to ‘validate your feelings’ about my behaviour when I was minding my own business. Leave the poor guy alone.

You have a you problem.
Can I ask why you are railroading him in the bathroom. Guy is trying to have a private moment. Then you trap him. Ni escape from a fight you are starting by sounding like a 4 year old (I will repeat till I get the answer I want - you sound like a me, me, me control freak)
You hear something, then put your ear to the door to listen - plain weird (unusual, deranged, abusive) behaviour - you trapped him in shower to argue with him he had no escape.
No surprised he's always on the defensive you put him there.
Crist poor bloke cant be tired and quite without you needing validation its not about you.

Reality check most shit going down in the world has naff all to do with you.

You need to learn to validate your own feelings and stop relying on others to do it for you.

And when someone is in the bathroom leave them alone.

Get your own therapist you need it.
Leave his man and work on yourself, you will never discover who you are as an individual while in a relationship.

The replies have been 100% that the OP is wrong and abusive.

It does sound like it is time to end this relationship…….you come across as very controlling and confrontational, and that isn’t healthy or acceptable.

He is ever likely to become defensive whilst ever you challenge his motives for doing even the most basic things…….the bloke was practicing his verbal presentation skills whilst having a shower ffs!

People seem to be skipping over this post.

You're not a child OP. What did you do before you had a partner?

I am AMAZED that the recording you made is evidence of his poor behaviour.
And amazed your therapist said he "failed to validate your feelings"

I feel incredibly sorry for this guy.
He was basically trying to have a shower in peace.
You burst in... started criticising him....picked a fight (which it sounds like he was trying not to engage in) then break down crying ...And flounce out of the house because...feelings? Drama? Boredom? What?

You sound like an absolute nightmare to live with honestly.

I am a big talker, I feel ALL the feelings and even I would be totally exhausted and ground down by your behaviour.
Listen to yourself when I put my ear to the bathroom door... this is NOT normal.

Just leave the guy and continue therapy on your own.

What I don't get is why you feel like you have a right to have your feelings heard so much but are not even interested in hearing your fiancé's point of view, let alone his feelings.

This just isn't how grown ups behave, which is why people are reacting in this shocked way. You don't need other people to reassure you about your own insecurities in this way and it's not reasonable to expect it from anyone. That's for you to work on as an adult woman. He's not your mum and you're not a baby. You are seeking a parent here, and unfortunately your pain and distress is causing you to act abusively in this relationship. What you are doing is not ok. I understand it's through distress, but it's still completely wrong.

You do need proper psychotherapy, but not this therapist, whom I suspect is a counsellor of some kind and not equipped to deal with this level of work.

You can self refer here for talking therapies on the NHS https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

But you should also contact your GP and ask to be referred for DBT group as well.

If this is real I think you need to go up a level from the therapy you’re in and get psychiatric help. Everyone’s telling you that your actions are unhinged and abusive and all you can say is you’re right and your feelings need to be heard not cut off. He was right to cut you off and you were wrong to even listen in let alone go marching in telling him he was negative repeatedly. Give him his privacy and peace. What he says to himself in the shower has nothing to do with you and any pressure you’re feeling is a symptom of your out of control anxiety and possibly something more going on with some kind of disorder. No one here can help you as you won’t listen so it’s futile and this thread will probably get deleted too, but if you take anything from it, its fgs leave your fiancé alone and focus on getting the help you need.

I don’t know when it starts but I know most of our fights start because I over think and I don’t get the reassurance I need at that time and it spirals out of control.

last time our rice cooker broke so I asked him to take a look. I’ve pressed some weird buttons on this machine before and he had to reset the chip(we have a crazy rice cooker with all these functions) and he asked me if I had elbowed some buttons by accident because it’s happened before.

the fight started while I was explaining I didn’t do anything and he just literally moved my hand out of the way before I finished talking to see the inside of the rice cooker and I got loud because I found that rude. He didn’t understand what was rude and asked me to lower my voice and when I didn’t all hell broke loose and he said “will you please calm the f down Jesus”
and we went has a huge fight

He already explained it to you twice, I am not sure I agree with the therapist, if someone keeps asking and asking me the same thing, I am going to have a boundary that enough is enough at some point.

‘That sounds negative’ is not a question it’s a statement, stop making statements at him, because that’s not communication is it? If someone said this to me I would just smile and say thanks and not defend myself as it’s meaningless. You need to actually explain what you are asking him or keep your thoughts to yourself. You don’t need to share every thought in your head with this man

i knew right away you were from the water filter thread, OP. That’s how clear it is to all of us.

You are massively insecure. Your partner has tried to help you but trying to ‘fix’ someone with your issues is exhausting. It’s not unexpected that he cuts you off. Your therapist is wrong to say any of the issue lies with him.

I think you need to consider being single for some time while you try to overcome your emotional difficulties.

Please let this poor man free to continue his life without you weighing him down. You sound absolutely exhausting. No wonder he is tired. Grow up, stop being so obsessed with your feelings and focus on having a life.

No need for you to answer here OP but do you have a history of complex trauma? If so, you need independent therapy. All your posts are I, I, I without demonstrating any understanding of someone else's needs.

Your original post and subsequent replies sounds to me like your partner is in an abusive relationship with you and the best thing you can do is step away and heal before you embark on another relationship.

But WHY in this case did you feel that the moment to go and talk about your feelings was when he was busy in the shower minding his own business? and even then you didn’t go to him to talk about your feelings, you interrupted him to tell him about his tone.

you couldn’t wait for a quiet moment? You couldn’t have a sit down later when neither of you were busy?

You sound like hard work and to be honest if you do things like this all the time then no wonder he tried to cut you off and end the discussion (which you started when he was busy doing something else). I’d be pissed off if anyone did this to me and would be very likely to try and cut them off and let me get on with my own bloody shower in peace!

Your in therapy for relationship issues with your finance?!? This alone is utterly bonkers. Just break up.

Sorry but I totally disagree with your therapist, you sound off the wall and utterly self absorbed, as though you make everything about yourself and he’s supposed to validate that constantly. I’d have left you months ago.

Why in the name of fuck are you planning to get married? Please please please don’t bring children into this nightmare.
You really shouldn’t be in this relationship - you obviously have a number of things to work on which should be done without a partner. This poor bloody guy has the patience of a saint.

Because he was in the fucking shower? A place where you might expect some privacy?

This poor poor man can not do anything right can he?

Honestly if you’re that fragile that you kick off over something so minor then you need to cut him loose. He’s living like a hostage - I can’t believe he’s lasted this long without leaving you.

I copied your first post into ChatGp ( you are person A ) and it said

If the concern is that Person A might be abusive, the key question is:

> Are they consistently turning everyday moments into emotional crises, framing themselves as the victim, and refusing to accept boundaries—even when told clearly that something isn’t about them?

If yes, that’s not just sensitivity—it can be emotionally toxic or abusive.

If you're trying to work this out in therapy, patterns matter more than one argument. If this happens regularly, with a sense of escalation, walking on eggshells, or emotional exhaustion—it’s time to explore the possibility of emotional abuse more deeply.

I disagree with your therapist - he is not in the wrong at all. This is 100% on you.

But this is like the water filter guy. Why dont you fix your own rice cooker if you keep messing it up, and especially re the water filter guy debacle, why don't you just make the appointment?

Your partner is not your therapist, though.

You - not him, YOU - have got to put the work in here. And that’s more than just talking to a therapist. Actual work. Strategies to help you realise when you’re getting into a downward spiral, or to deal with a stranger. But it’s your work - not his. It’s not for him to rearrange a tradesman. You have to do that. He can support you in it, of course, but it’s your job to fix you.

Right now I think you are very lucky he hasn’t left you. Which suggests that he loves you, does it not?