Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

Have you read the whole thread? OP has had advice from a therapist on this thread and says she has started therapy since the thread started. She summarised what the therapist said on this thread.

This thread is just a pile on of people kicking a mentally ill person for entertainment. I have reported a number of posts but I hope MN delete the whole thread. Having a go at mentally ill people is not at all in the spirit of MN.

BTW:
councillor= local politician
counsellor= person who gives advice

Counsellor l read the thread from the beginning and my only thought is both need help , not on here as most people don't know what they are on about .

We are not therapists or psychiatrists, there have been numerous opportunities for this thread to be deleted, it's a worldwide open forum, obviously op needs help but they can have the thread removed too.

Is enabling an abuser in the spirit of MN?

All you're doing is providing OP with the validation she so desperately seeks that her ABUSIVE behaviour is justified.

It's disgraceful to justify abuse under the banner of mh issues and anxiety.

I say that as someone with both.

I thought you said you were flouncing several pages ago. So just go already, no one has designated you as thread monitor.

The OP may be mentally unwell but she is an abuser in the extreme and being unwell doesn't excuse that. Any concern anyone may have had for her initially has rightly shifted to her bf. If I knew them in RL I would look into making a police report for her controlling emotional abuse against him.

You absolutely should let him read through this thread. It's the best thing you have said so far.

I completely I agree that the OP is an abuser. It’s very clear and I am in no doubt about that.
It’s important that people tell her that because it’s the truth, and she has lost contact with reality.

If you read all of the thread you will find out that the OP has had a very traumatic history. For example, she discovered her heroin addict mother hanging herself. She also (she says herself) an eating disorder and seems to be so severely fatigued that she can’t function normally. This might be because of depression or other health issues.

It does not benefit the OP at all to attack her over and over again. That is not because her behaviour is fine and ok but because she is incredibly vulnerable. Abusive to her partner yes, but also vulnerable.

The therapist very clearly identified her issues for her. She needs to process her past trauma and find ways of dealing with her anxieties. ie. She has to fix herself rather than focussing on her partner’s ‘failures’. Her partner’s behaviour is a complete red herring. She’s focussing on it as a way of avoiding what she needs to face about herself.

Attacking an isolated person with mental health issues is not productive, it could be harmful and conducted in this way on a public chat forum as if it is entertainment is incredibly distasteful.

@Malvaceae she keeps coming back with more terrible comments, how do you expect people to respond to her? She may be mentally unwell, but she may be a troll, who knows?

Then maybe there shouldn't be anynonline public forums that allow discussions around any health issues, mental or physical. The only reason this thread still stands is because of posters replying.

I think that forum discussions about health issues are really useful. I don’t think that repeatedly shouting at a mentally ill, isolated person and not bothering to read the thread is helpful or instructive to anybody. It’s mental illness as entertainment.

Stop replying and bumping the thread then? Who assigned you thread monitor?

He is a person with needs too. You don’t always come first, it’s meant to be equal. What you are expecting is him to immediately drop everything and comfort you if the situation requires it. That is not a reasonable expectation no.
I would’ve even think the likes of Madonna would expect that type of treatment
from a man.

I understand that I’m not well but I’m not an abuser.
wanting validation from someone I love isn’t an abuse.

feelings I cannot control, I don’t know what to do when I get panic attacks when he leaves me alone.

im dealing with tons of changes in my life from working, cutting down on sugar in take, exercising and trying to wake up at a certain time is extremely taxing on me.

im just so tired that I cannot explain. Mentally and physically. Some might look at my life and think it’s easy and that im free loading but to me I feel overwhelmed. I don’t even wanna move or wake up, I feel tired just existing.

even now I just want to eat ice cream and sleep, but stores are closed and it put me in a horrible mood. Sounds spoiled but I cannot control how I feel at all.

Cutting down sugar and waking up at a presentable time isn't a good enough excuse to emotional abuse and decimate this poor bloke.

#savetheboyfriend

You definitely need help and there is no way your boyfriend has all the skills needed to help you. Im wondering if you are suffering from burnout? Would you consider visiting your doctor for advice?

You're now coming across similarly to the OP. Maybe you are the OP 🤔

I, and a number of others, HAVE read the whole thread.

You can bang on and on as much as you like with your "kind" replies, but you are still providing this abuser with sympathy. She continues to excuse all her behaviour on everything and anyone else and you just come back with all the validation she seeks.

Actually, you're the ideal couple you should take her off the poor fellas hands. #savetheboyfriend

If everyone who ever had a trauma (although I'm extremely skeptical that later reveal is true in this ridiculous story) would everyone be excused, whatever they do that harms others?

Yes you are an abuser. You say yourself, every couple of days you use coercive control. Doesn't matter if you didn't mean to, it's still abuse.

There's no mention anywhere about validating your DPs emotions or needs. None!

Ok maybe you guys can give me feedback.

In just got into a fight with my fiancé. I heard him talking to himself in the shower so I asked him what is he talking about

he he said “nothing, I’m getting ready to shoot content and I’m just practicing debating various topics”

i told him that it sounds really negative. Then he said well debating can get pretty passionate but trust me nobody is getting upset at each other. The battle is trying to convince each other that they are right

i told him that that it’s triggering me that it sounds negative. He answers again “but im just practicing debating and it has nothing to do with you”. Again he invalidates me. As you can see im not crazy.

then I told him that it sounds like you’re talking about me. Then he said “im not? I’m just talking to myself on various topics about politics to love life as well be covering a variety of topics, why are you interrogating me ?”

you see the accusations? I didn’t interrogate him. That triggered me into a panic attack and I stormed out of the house. Before I left he said “why are you always making things about yourself when I’m not even talking about you. If I want to talk to myself and practice speeches then I’m gonna do that, why can’t I do that in my own home?”

do you see how insensitive he can be?? I walking outside now eating ice cream to calm down.

Ffs leave him!

For his sanity leave now.

Poor bloke can't even think in the shower without you making it about you.

You're awful

This is a troll. They’ve jumped the shark, now.

OK I now know that this is a wind up. Nobody but nobody can be so self absorbed that they cannot see that their behaviour is completely outrageous, manipulative and abusive.

Yeah you're either on the wind up or an actual certifiable psychopath.

Sorry OP, this thread was deleted in error but we will close this one to new replies since you have started a new thread.
Our apologies once again.
MNHQ