Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

I think validate must be the most used word on MN over the last few days !

I have advice for your partner- leave

Then move out if a wayward sock causes a complete meltdown, go live on your own. If everyone just starts agreeing with you, sits down and says oh I know how you feel, I accept your feelings would you actually be happy.

I think you are confusing ordinary feelings and emotions with the feelings and emotions displayed by someone who has emotional health issues, which can be totally out of proportion and completely irrational. And for the person on the receiving end, incredibly difficult to deal with.

Suffering from extreme stress and anxiety and having a full-on panic attack just because someone left a sock on the floor (you mention this earlier in the thread) is not normal behaviour by any stretch of the imagination. Extreme reactions like that cannot be validated, because they are completely unreasonable.

You want him to take responsibility for your mental health and to change his behaviour to accommodate your totally irrational needs. I'm amazed he has tolerated all this for so long.

What do you think you mean by validated?

If it is acknowledging that you are feeling those feelings in the moment, that is one thing. If it is uncritically expecting the other to do as you say then No it is not.

Feelings are valid- but the thought processes behind some feelings absolutely are not. That’s what therapy is about, saying “Yes I hear your feelings, but your thinking is skewed/ unreasonable/ catastrophising/ ruining your life and that of those around you.” Or to put it more bluntly “I acknowledge those are your feelings- so what?”

Your feelings are real but they are definitely INCREDIBLY unhealthy. You don’t want him to “validate” your feelings- you want him to pander to them and enable your very dysfunctional behaviour.

For me validation means this. For example let’s say someone made a joke but it really upsetted me.

validation “oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just joking, im sorry”

non validation “would you stop being a baby it’s a joke, Jesus”

big difference.

I don’t need him to pander but acknowledge. Like when he triggered me by talking to his friend about their issues and saying that it was wrong for her to go through his phone.

he should have acknowledge the fact that it upsetted me. But he didn’t even do that he said “why are you making their situation about you and why are you upset about things that has nothing to do with us?”

My point is normal or not, he should respect my feelings no matter how small or big. I don’t need him to go crazy but atleast respect the fact that it bothers me and should pay more attention instead of “what’s the big deal?”

The example you gave earlier was that if you were paranoid he might have been cheating he should have validated that, even if it wasn’t true, which just shows how great your need for validation is. The above example you gave is similar. Essentially you’re upsetting yourself and then demanding that he soothes you. That is beyond unhealthy.

It WAS wrong to go through someone else’s phone. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years and never felt the need to go through his phone and he’s never gone through mine.

The day he demanded to go through my phone would be the day our relationship ended. I’ve got nothing to hide but if there’s no trust to the point that he wants to check my phone then I’m out. I’m not here to give that level of reassurance 🙄

Am I supposed to say to him “I understand you’re feeling jealous and insecure honey but checking my phone isn’t the solution “?

in that example his feelings are his feelings and utterly baseless. Crying over a misplaced sock does not need validating, it’s fucking ridiculous. Collapsing because your partner wants to go out with friends absolutely does not need validating. Sure your feelings are real to you but validating them is just enabling you to carry on with this madness.

#savetheboyfriend

i suspect this thread is going to go about as viral as the penis beaker! It lacks the humour but is as ridiculous.

Let me pretend to be him: I acknowledge your feelings, but frankly I find them utterly unwarranted in this situation. why are you making their situation about you and why are you upset about things that have nothing to do with us?”

I hope this mans family somehow see this and rescue him.
You are the abuser here. You are emotionally abusing your partner,

This is exactly the language I want. And it’s very important to me I hear those exact words.

sounds silly but it’s important to me .

What is important to your partner?

But it does all I wanna hear is “babe i know this upsetted you and im sorry but it was just a mistake”

this is what i wanna hear instead of “what’s the big deal it’s just a sock”

how is this abusive?

My partner is an easy going person. He never ever even ask for help or anything.

i mentioned earlier he’s a very independent person all he’s ever asked from me was don’t cheat, and show appreciation and respect him and that’s all he wants.

Have you ever considered that if a group of people are telling you you’re in the wrong, you might just be in the wrong?

ITS A SOCK. and you’re working yourself into
a panic attack over a sock. This does not need validating and enabling, it needs you to learn how to manage your feelings.

Yes but I dont think im wrong for wanting validation from my partner instead of getting dismissed

So you literally deliver the bare minimum by your own admission and demand complete devotion and validation.

he can’t even see his friends!

Because he’s having to tread on eggshells not daring to do a tiny thing wrong otherwise he’s expected to apologise for existing just to now to your obsession with being validated.

No normal human being can live like this - it’s exhausting and irrational.

We go meet his friends together. I will eventually have him go by himself it’s I’m mentally unable to even if I want to

The issue isn’t that you want SOME emotional validation, because of course all humans require some level of that in a relationship. The issue is that you want it in EVERY single situation, even ones of your own creation or where you’re in the wrong. It would be a very rare person who could offer you that and it’s clear from what you’ve said your partner can’t do it. Therefore you have two choices, either accept SOME emotional validation, and you’ll need to continue with therapy to understand when it’s ok to ask for this, or leave.