Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

How did he take you to hospital if he'd left the house?

You are working purely to pay off your debts (which must be massive) He is housing you and paying for absolutely everything else. You have no friends and it sounds like very little local family support. If he does finish this relationship (and I think he should) it sounds like you'd be in a very precarious situation and I'd advise you to start putting some money away for that eventuality.

You'd "die for this man" but won't answer the door to let someone in, so he doesn't have another responsibility to attend to, on top of parenting you and supporting his family?

Yeah right.

If any of this is true then no amount of online "therapy" course or couples counselling will help, you need proper mental health support for some serious behaviour and thought disorders which I hope you'll get, that's all the advice you need.

I think you have something more than social anxiety and an appointment with a psychiatrist would benefit you. There's more deep rooted nental health problems than social anxiety with you.

Also, you are both incompatible so save yourself the inevitable divorce costs & don't get married. Separate now and do not have any children, really not fair on them to have parents like you both.

Poor guy.

Your behaviour is manipulative and controlling.

You need more than advice from an internet forum, so I'd suggest you stop posting here and get some serious help. People are horrified by the way you treat your partner, and if it's not a load of made up rubbish and it's actually all true, I don't think you'll get the help you need here.

I don’t think @MissMoneyFairy is manipulative - have you quoted the wrong comment?

Some people are very cruel, never had anxiety or mental health problems . Please do the councilling and please think about yourself also , between you both slowly sort yourself and boyfriend as well a good councillor could help a great deal If he loves you he will stay with you but he may want you to slowly try as well , time is a great help . William

Panic attacks can be controlled in time take your time and work on them .It takes time to overcome but they do go in time . Your boyfriend also needs space as well he must think the world of you

An awful lot of us do understand anxiety and mh problems.

Enough to understand that they're never an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Sometimes it is one person’s problem. For example if one partner is beating the other, you can bet it’s one person who has a problem.

You made him stop going to church and volunteering?

I hope so

Like i said earlier @togo1004 is a manipulative controlling freeloader who is using her "anxiety" as a way to isolate her dp from his network. Now if a man did this to his partner, everybody would be in uproar.

Yes, it's beginning to sound all very dramatic and histrionic after each new post

OMG you are hard work!

He wasn't invalidating your feelings any more than you were invalidating his! Did you even think about that?

If it's his job to "comfort you" isn't it your job to be a functional partner and support him? EG by doing a little job for him while he's busy helping his mum. Seems to me that you just want to be a passenger in this relationship and have him do all the work.

Get yourself to your GP, describe the problems and ask for counselling/therapy. And no it's NOT your fiancé's job to come with you, it's YOU that needs the therapy to address your anxiety.

I think your fiance is being amazingly supportive and patient. But nobody can completely carry another person - you need to start pulling your weight in this relationship.

@ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan well, everyone IS in uproar about her controlling behaviour on this thread though. Unanimously. Page after page, post after post. In fact some people have been downright abusive about it. Just like they would if the OP were a man.

Maybe OP is a man

He came home and found me passed out and took me to the hospital.

I didn’t make him, I just told him that I was having a hard time when he’s away from me for that long and I get panic attacks and he stopped going to support me.

Invalidation is when someone tells you, what you are feeling isn’t real and that is a HUGE trigger for me.

if I’m feeling sad about something, whether it’s true or not you need to validate the fact that I’m sad by saying things like “I see that you are upset” “I understand you’re upset”

validate first then we can talk if the reasons for those emotions are correct or not. By invalidating my emotions you are basically telling me I don’t even exist

I’m not a free loader..I contribute also by cleaning and laundry.

i also cook for him when he’s tired, and take care of him with massages and love.

if he can’t support us some day I would support him 100% financially as well.

this is a relationship