Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

Don’t be ridiculous, regardless of the reasons, this is exceptionally controlling.

he needs to see his friends on his own and you own your own to mental health issues. You’re an adult, not a toddler that can’t be left alone.

You’re not respecting him. At all. You won’t understand until you get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

Honestly this is one of the few occasions when I could understand a partner having an affair - your partner is abused and stifled by your behaviour.

Why? You clearly dont respect his feelings? Not once have you said that you say to him" I respect your feeling that you think I'm overreacting ". Up until yesterday you kept telling him he needed to go to counselling with you. You never validated his feeling that its not his fault!

You are unreasonable for wanting validation for everything you want. You're assuming you're right and he's wrong, all the time. He'll eventually get fed up this and leave you if you carry on like this. And no one would blame him.

My advice, ditch the videos about validation and watch some about emasculation instead.

You are making huge demands here. You are basically demanding that he behaves exactly as you want him to, and do exactly what you want, all the time.

You are already preventing him from going out and seeing his friends. That is just one example of your controlling behaviour, and whatever the reason for your behaviour (I am going to say it now), you are abusive.

Advise from someone who works as a councillor please this thread is not good for you , you need the councilling for you and both of you

It’s not this. What I’m saying is even if I’m wrong just validate my emotions by acknowledging it first.

That's not very fair of you to admit that you let a grown easy going independent adult go out on his own, how on earth do you get through the day when he works of visits his elderly grandmother. He must have the patience of a saint of he just switches off for an easy life. Do you respect any validate his feeling that maybe you are delusional, paranoid and really need mental health support,

Actually what you said was My point is normal or not, he should respect my feelings no matter how small or big.

Validate and respect are different things.

Will you be showing him this thread?

Yes, and we're all telling you that that is an unreasonable thing to expect.

All these Instagram and YouTube things your watching are saying that your partner should validate your emotions. But they're talking about doing that in the context of a normal relationship, when people have arguments and disagreements occasionally.

They're not talking about a situation when one person is seriously mentally unwell like you are. He's having to destroy his own social life, pander to your every need and want, treat you like this fragile little thing where he can't do anything for fear that you'll break.

He's getting burnt out, he's not being allowed to live his life. At some point soon, you're going to break him.

YOU are the one with the issue here, YOU are the one who needs to take a long look at your behaviour, YOU are the one who desperately needs therapy. YOU should be looking at this relationship, working out whether you truly love this man, and if you do, having a good long think about whether he'd be safe and happier out of the relationship.

I’m actually thinking about showing him and have him post a feedback and also share with me.

ive gotten a lot of feedback here and has made me realize that I may be wrong on a few things.

You are miles away from couples therapy. You need to sort yourself out first. I'd be mindful that during couples therapy, Id bet that theyd help him realise the way you are expecting him to perform, is wrong. He is not a robot. Kids should always come before a partner. This is not a healthy relationship at all.

When you ask for validation of your feelings in every circumstance you assume you're right to feel whatever you feel, but you're not. It's madness to get upset over a sock out of place, he wants to see his grandmother or go to church. He'll get fed up of you behaving like that and leave. Your behaviour and attitude will push him away.

Maybe let him decide for himself if he wants to comment here, we don't need feedback

Are you serious?

Fucking hell, you're going to force him to reply in exactly the way you want. Or you'll cry 😭

#savetheboyfriend

I hope if he does read this he sees the concern for him.

Run away mate! She must be really pretty but fuck she's unrelentingly selfish and annoying and looks fade.

No I would never. I’m thinking if it’ll be beneficial for me to show him this and share his side.

im not as bad as you guys think I am

Hopefully, he reads this and realises he ought to flee.

#savetheboyfriend

Beneficial to you but not him or us, we are not your therapists, if he wants to post his own thoughts that's up to him .

If it's beneficial to you.. that's exactly as expected 🙄

He would naturally answer as you want, as your continuous training of him through tantrums has led him to do to keep the peace.

Just like he does when he wants to relax with friends and you don't allow it.

Is he allowed to visit his family without you? You've never mentioned them, or how you get along with others close to him.

But you need to learn to cope with your anxiety and function without him, he is your partner not your nanny. He can help but it's not his job to validate your feelings if they are ridiculous. You need to help yourself first and be independent its not fair to put all of this on him.