Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

Everyone is uproar about me wanting my emotions to be validated by my partner.

tell me then, do you not validate your partners emotions? So if your husband/wife is upset do you say words like “stop being delusional”. Or do you validate it by saying things like “aw I see that you’re upset”

Why didn't he ring for an ambulance, moving an unconscious person can be dangerous.

yes it’s what I will do but I have a fairly large debt from long ago.

and I want to start contributing financially to our life because I can’t do anymore chores than I’m doing now as I’m very tired

If he wasn’t validating that you feel mentally unwell he wouldn’t have given up his friends and activities, be running you to the hospital when you have a panic attack, making your life easier by taking on the physical and financial load for you and encouraging you to seek therapy. Just because he doesn’t say he validates you in the exact way some likely unqualified internet moron says he should, doesn’t mean he isn’t doing it. Of course because of your controlling nature you likely won’t accept that as good enough, especially since nothing that man does it good enough for you.

No you’re responsible for you. No one else can make you feel better.

You're absolutely obsessed with this validation, you talk about it over and over again.

He’s tried to leave before, hasn’t he but you had a huge meltdown, told him you couldn’t live without him, threatened suicide and passed out!

I genuinely can’t remember ever reading about abuse like this. And you can’t see it. It beggars belief. This poor guy needs help to escape. He is not your emotional support human. You need significant help with your mental health issues but until you recognise that you have a problem no progress can be made.

this guy must be traumatised, I can’t imagine being with someone who can’t be on their own long enough for me to go to church. ⛪️ If a woman was writing about her partner preventing her from going to Church or meeting her friends, we’d be advising her to leave at the earliest opportunity. And you ARE preventing him, however you dress it up. You throw the mental health card whenever he wants to do anything. How does he go to work?

Because it didn’t happen.

Saying "aw, I see that you're upset" doesn't actually achieve anything.

And he's within his right to not pander to you when your words/actions are frustrating or upsetting him.

To answer your question - no, I would not validate my partner's feelings if doing so would invalidate my own or cause me any distress. If my partner were to come home and punch a wall near my head because something made him upset at work - I wouldn't say "Aw, I can see you're frustrated." I would recognize that he has anger issues and a lack of self control and I'd exit the relationship as I'm not goingto be someone's physical or emotional punching bag.

Protecting myself is more important. And if you're feeling upset because you falsely believe he's cheating and making accusations and controlling his friendships etc...then he 100% should also be protecting himself. You being upset over things that haven't happened is not something he needs to comfort you over.

Also, since you think it's fine to read his personal texts...you shouldn't have a problem sharing this thread with him so that he can also see what you wrote, and what the collective mumsnet response has been.

If my husband is spouting nonsense and getting in a flap about trivial stuff then I'll tell him he's being stupid and he'll snap out of it as he's a functioning adult. There's not a cat in hell's chance I'd pander to the navel gazing 'validation' bullshit you're coming out with. We've been happily married for 25 years.

No, no one in an adult relationship would validate this quite frankly nuts behaviour.

But you don't seem able to listen or talk in anything but ridiculous insta psychobabble.

Living with you going on and on would drive anyone potty. Your poor DP

But if someone has health issues do they see the world as ordinary people do that's, some people need help in life

There is no way this is a genuine poster. No one thinks occasionally organising the cutlery drawer and hugging your partner is a 50/50 contribution to an adult relationship- let alone then thinks their partner is doing them a disservice by not validating their (narcissistic) feelings. The OP writes for the Daily Mail or is bored, lonely and possibly drunk. It is clearly a wind up. If not serious mental health intervention is needed.

We all experience struggles in life. Some more than others.

We're all responsible for dealing with our issues without harming others.

I'm sure your intentions are good, but actually think it's harmful to encourage this narcissistic woman's justification for manipulating her partner to this extent.

You would not respond similarly if this was a man would you.

You can't reason with some people who are so self absorbed and obsessive , there's no point in trying, they'll always answer with a question and go round and round in circles trying to justify their behaviour, its tiring and pointless.

This is abusive!! You're dismissing him. What might be a small deal might be a big deal to someone else. This is how I was taught, that all problems are relative and they must be validated at the very least.

I know it's not 50/50 but I'm doing what I can... I'm much more tired than he is, i promised him that I will work on my health which I have. Before I met him, I've never even stepped foot in the gym, nor had any cardio sessions. Now a days, I walk 2-3x a week, I try to hold back my panic attacks which is currently reducing. I'm doing this for I can be a better partner, and I will financially contribute to our life once my debt is paid off. I've tried the "traditional" life style and it wasn't for me because I felt like a maid, eventhough he says that it's not a "maid" but a role we all play in day to day. I rather give him money and split chores.

From my last therapy session I've realized that I AM responsible for how I feel, and that I AM responsible for my happiness and that nobody can truly make me happy long term.

I think I knew this all along but didn't want the responsibility on myself. I'm also really trying not to get a panic attack. Before if he would be tired and became quiet, I would break out into full panic attack and i'd pick fights with him on why he's quiet and not showing me attention but lately, I'm much better at this.

To you no but to me it's a HUGE deal. I NEED to hear those words that he sees that its upsetting no matter how big or small.

I don't need him to coddle me but I do need to hear how upset I am even if the reason might be "small" to him.

when we used to fight about chores, He COULD NOT understand, how if he forgot a sock here and a dish here would make me upset to the point of crying. He still doesn't understand but he just accepted it. His rebuttal was that "why are we fighting over something so trivial?" But to me, it's a big deal as a messy home gives me extreme stress and anxiety.

If it does then he should consider it a priority right?

Thank you very much for your kind words. My intentions are good, I care for him alot. He's one of those guys that are very independent. If he's stick he says he's fine and still does things himself. I can tell when he's sad at times about something, he just says he's fine and just moves on with the day. I just try to be there but there's not much that I can offer him most of the times because no matter what he wants to do it himself.

We've had this talk before and his answer was that everytime he relied on someone, or leaned on someone it became a disappointment. So he rather even in his last breath just do things by himself. But we all know we need help from time to time.

I just feel like a little girl around him, despite what many people may think here I'm a very strong person. I've been through alot myself since a young age, but am still here and still trying.

I'm far from perfect but I'm also trying to better myself and finally got myself in to therapy.

Have some empathy..

Oh the irony of you claiming something is abusive

It’s not a need it’s a want.
Crying because someone left a sock out must create the most horrific environment to live in. I can’t imagine working hard to support so many people, limiting my outside activities to please another and then not being able to relax in my own home. He must feel like a prisoner of your demands.
When he challenges your view, for instance by saying something is trivial, I’m assuming that every time you validate his feelings, by saying I’m sorry you feel that this request is trivial?

Your intentions aren’t good though are they?

your focus in the relationship is using him to soothe your emotional (and financial) dysregulation.

A relationship should be about making life more life affirming and expansive and joyous together.

Your life is a lot more comfortable with him in it, by your own admission you would be screwed without his financial and emotional resources. His life is a lot smaller and a lot more uncomfortable with you in it.

You care for him only to the extent that he is your golden goose, and life looks very bleak for you without him in it. Has he tried to break up with you and you have made threats about what that would lead to.
What happens on the day he says “I acknowledge your panic and distress, I am still going to church/out with my friends/end the relationship.”

Taught by whom ?

all the content online and Instagram. That all feelings are valid and should be validated.