Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

"My fiance and I are working on our issues."

You probably should split up.
You don't get on.

Maybe go to one session of counselling without him, see how it goes? Not saying that it's all you causing issues in the relationship, but would show him that you're willing to try, and that you're able to do something on your own.
The more you do the more you'll get used to it...

Kindly, you need to work on yourself. I have moderate depression and severe anxiety. I have therapy and I'm in antianxiety medications. I expect my DH to understand and help and he absolutely does but it is not his job to make me better. What I've found great about therapy is when we argue he joins me at therapy and my therapist can help him understand how I feel and react to things differently to him. I definitely suggest therapy and a small dose of antianxiety medication.

Why does he need therapy for your anxiety?

I think I’ll try that. I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole life. It comes and goes. I just feel it’s all my fault if only I do it as I feel He also needs therapy.

Because I’m not the only person in the relationship that’s wrong.

every time we argue he makes it feel like it’s just my fault. He’s one of those guys that are extremely good at talking, almost too good, so I can never win an argument.

i believe we need relationship counseling not me just getting therapy but he keeps saying that I need therapy and not him.

his defense is that, I’m the one with frequent panic attacks and anxiety so why should he get therapy and for what? I’ve told him that he needs therapy because he has the need to feel right.

i often ask him would you rather be right or make the relationship work? Then his response is always “I need to live in truth, so I stick by the truth and cannot accept anything less than factual truth”

but this is a relationship, we have feelings too. He often invalidates me especially when I feel like he’s attacking me. He’s told me several times about house hold chores and how he believes that it’s one sided. He said that he pays all of the bills for both of us, so I should do majority of household chores. But I’m tired, and I told him since I’m tired more than you, you should help me. I also do things in house like organize things. Then he lists everything he does in the house and I feel
attacked, he will literally list everything he does making me feel like I don’t do enough. But I also work!! I work to pay off of my old debt I incurred before we met but I’m also working, so why do I have to do more chores?? Do you see the problem here, he also need therapy

Great! Get rid of this anxiety, it serves you no purpose.
Once you've worked on yourself and feel more independent you can decide whether you want to stick around while he does the same, this is no way to go on for either of you at the moment though.
Good luck!

I'm not talking about whether or not you have relationship counselling. You obviously need therapy for your individual issues, so why on earth do you think he should be a part of that?

You can't just say I have all these issues and my treatment for that is...my fiance. It's not his responsibility, it's yours.

That's a parent's job, not a partner's, I'm afraid... You are both adults: nobody owes you validation. If you didn't get it at the right time and with the right people (when you were a child and from your parents), then yes it's though because you play with a big emotional handicap. But it still isn't anyone else's job to validate your feelings.

you need serious help OP, this is no way to live. He could probably do more, maybe you aren't the right people for each other, but you seem to want an awful lot from him without being prepared to address your issues yourself.

The constant talk of validating and feeling safe... hes probably exhausted. Of course you should feel important and safe, but not at the expense of everything else in his life. What if you had children? You will not always be the priority.

If he tells me he would put our kids over me I will break up with him tomorrow.

It must ge exhausting for both of you constantly nitpicking, making lists of who does what, are you sure this relationship is good for either of you.

Now this is a wind up surely?!

He can understand how you feel without agreeing with it. He is right to challenge your anxiety, you should be doing the same. If you don't push yourself to do things like answering the door you will never overcome your anxiety.

Then do you both a favour and move on seperately now. I mean this with kindness OP I have experience of anxiety too and it is truly wicked, how it can take over your life.

Get yourself help, please.

Is that some sort of threat, children would "need" him more than you surely, when a loving couple have children the love and respect is share. What would you do if a child wanted to do something but you didn't agree, like food,what to wear, a holiday or activity

And he blames Me. I should be able to goto him and complain to him about what he’s doing wrong. When I do that he says that I’m judgmental and critical of him and that I’m a hypocrite.

Earlier this year he had a habit of leaving things out and forgetting. He works long hours and I get that but I felt like his mom, and I told him that and instead of apologizing he says “but I also pick up after you all of the time, what’s the big deal? We live together and people are bound to forget to put some things back no need to get so upset over it”

but I know that I don’t forget as much as he does. But he insist that I also forget, he said last time you forgot to close the closet door and left a bucket full of water in the shower, guess what? I just close it and empty the bucket and clean it cuz it’s not a big deal.

then of course I have nothing to say, he always has to be right. His rebuttal to me is that I complain about him when I do the exact same mistakes.

Yes he made a list because he felt household chores were divided unequally.

i can share exactly what he wrote because I have it saved

him

pays the bills
walks the dog
cleans the dog
cleans the veranda
cleans the bathroom
takes the trash out and recycling
does the dishes
does most of the cooking

me

organize
general cleaning
laundry
also cook for myself

and he’s always trying to make me eat vegetables and less sweets. Which I’ve asked him to stop but he swears that a big problem of why im tired is from my diet.

you see how he rubs it in my face he does a little more? I say so what? We love each other and if one person is weaker then the other should do more out of love.

Jeez, you sound like a pair of squabbling children.

How old are you both? Did you go straight from living with your parents to living with him?

When you think you've read it all......

Do you have any healthy relationships in your immediate circles of family friends or colleagues to give you an idea of what one looks like? "when one is weaker one should do more out of love" but the instant he forgets to "do more" you are pulling him up for it? This is not right OP! Set him free for goodness sake.

I moved into his house because I was so tired of working and couldn’t afford to keep my own apartment anymore. I was unemployed for a year and he supported me and still does financially.

And how old are you both?

What are you bringing to this relationship OP?

You mention that you should be his priority, but how are you making him your priority when you're not bringing any money in, not doing the bulk of the chores, and all of the emotional support has to be from him to you rather than the other way round?

You need therapy, you're not a princess he needs to pander too. Wtaf. Is this rage bait?
And before you jump on me, yes, I had anxiety in the past so I know the feeling. But you are ruining his life.