Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

You are looking for outside validation .
You expect him to put you before himself.
He has to set boundaries and look out for himself well too .

You need therapy .
Then maybe you and he have a chance. .

Holyshit this thread must be a joke
Wow no wonder he is loosing weight .
The stress this man has on his shoulders in unreal .
He need to let you go @togo1004
You are all me me me .
The lost of chores . You do vey little and behave like a spoilt princess .

I think you may have serious mental health problems . You need therapy alone .
Your eating habits are something else tbh .

And their qualifications are?

🤣🤣🤣

Oh, for goodness sake.

If it’s real, this person needs to be taken to a secure facility and studied.

Did I read right that you OP are going to start online therapy? ONLINE?

No. You've been taught wrong. That's why your relationship is on the rocks.

#savetheboyfriend

Honestly, this should be the whole thread. As there’s clearly no reasoning with the OP.

#savetheboyfriend

To be fair to the OP that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Where I live I can access online therapy from a psychologist funded by the national health system within a few hours. It might be similar for her.

Honestly if i knew this man, we’d be getting together and arranging an intervention for his own good.

If this is real then the OP is the most toxic individual I’ve ever encountered on MN. And had zero self awareness, accountability or empathy.

Absolute narcissist

100%. Post after post of the most terrifying narcissistic bilge I have ever read.

And is this content by qualified professionals?
To be honest , I am amazed that your boyfriend is still with you . If I was his Mum I would be advising him to run .
I am going to assume ( correct me if I am wrong) you have threatened to harm yourself if he doesn’t react the way you want him to ?
You are abusive and I really hope your professional therapy helps.

Togo 1004 are you going for councilling with your boyfriend as the advice you are getting is not helpfull or even crap

You totally misinterpreted my post to another poster defending Your narcissistic, manipulative abuse.

This totally!

OP is incapable of hearing anything that doesn't align to her screwed up way of thinking.

Agree. It’s one of those threads that if it was in AIBU the answer would be about 99% yes you are. However the OP would only focus on the handful of outliers vaguely validating her so she could argue the toss that she’s right and everyone else is wrong.

You do need therapy - why will you only go with him.
It seems you have lots of issues and expect him to validate these and be understanding when you don't acknowledge how your issues are impacting him.

You just seem to painting him out as the one who needs to change or improve. The whole thing seems exhausting and I feel sorry for him

Im shocked to hear that feelings are not valid. Everywhere I look Google, chatgpt, many blogs, YouTube and Instagram they say that all feelings are valid and have to be validated..

Yes. There are many famous therapists online on YouTube and Instagram that say that all feeling are valid.

and that invalidating feeling are abusive.

reasons for feeling that way can be argued but the feeling are real

Where is the laugh react?

instagram is not a valid source of teaching. Ffs!

I find it very hard to believe this is even real, but if it is, you sound like a spoilt, neurotic child whose only concept of what an adult relationship should be like is based on nonsense you've read on social media.

No it is not the 'job' of a partner to just drop everything and spend timd validating whatever crazy feelings you have. I can't imagine how he is managing to put up with your behaviour and unreasonable expectations. Actually, the kindest thing for him to do (for you and for himself) would be to end the relationship so that you can learn to look after yourself, get therapy on your own and learn to be a grown-up.

Since you love internet guidance so much here you go.

It's not uncommon for partners to seek validation, but relying on your partner to validate everything you say can be unhealthy for the relationship. It's important to cultivate self-validation and recognize that your feelings and opinions are valid even if your partner doesn't always agree. Focus on improving communication and building a stronger foundation of mutual respect and understanding, rather than solely seeking validation from your partner.

Here's a breakdown of why this dynamic can be problematic and how to address it:
Why constant validation is an issue:
Creates Dependence:
Relying on your partner for validation makes you dependent on their approval, potentially damaging your self-esteem and making you feel insecure.
Overburdens the Partner:
Constantly seeking validation can be emotionally exhausting for your partner, especially if they disagree or struggle to understand your perspective.
Stifles Open Communication:
When one partner feels the need to constantly seek validation, it can create a dynamic where the other partner is hesitant to express their own opinions or feelings for fear of invalidating the other.
Hinders Individual Growth:
Seeking external validation can prevent you from developing your own sense of self-worth and confidence.
Can Lead to Manipulation:
In some cases, constantly needing validation can be a form of emotional manipulation, where one partner tries to control the other's reactions

The thread title is misleading as you don’t want advice, you’ve had plenty and just argue against it all.

You just want validation that trying to enforce your ridiculous, dramatic, narcissistic, self obsessed, social media influenced fantasy world onto your poor partner is acceptable - it’s not!

You are not the centre of the universe - grow the fuck up and set this man free to have a normal life.

I also don’t disregard clips of therapists online - for example, Gabor Mate or Dr Becky Kennedy are brilliant and have a significant online presence due to podcast appearances/their own social media posts. As long as you check yhey are reputable people, you can take snippets of advice from them. However, you need to remember that they are just snippets. Without the broader context, areas like validation can be over simplified and sets an unrealistic expectation on the people around you.

As I’ve said in a previous post, validation is about listening and showing empathy towards another person. If a kid is scared of the dark, telling them to grow up and there’s nothing to be scared of isn’t going to help them. Asking them why they’re scared of or what could help them is validating that what they feel is real. But that doesn’t mean the dark is scary and it doesn’t mean we accept that as fact. We work on gently showing them the truth - the dark isn’t scary.

Validating emotions in an adult relationship can be more complicated because there are two sets of emotions at play. This is why validating emotions isn’t a case of saying ‘you’re right to feel that way’. It’s a matter of saying I can see you’re hurting/worried/angry right now and I’m here. And it works both ways - I can see you’re anxious about me going out but can you see I’m confused because I don’t understand why? With anxiety, it’s important to have someone safe who can keep your feet on the ground. They can’t just validate the fear because it’s reinforcing the issue. Your partner is responsible for comforting you, yes, but he also needs to remind you what is ‘okay’. Him always being by your side feels great in the moment but it reinforces the false idea that you are only safe if he is there. Him going out when you are anxious is not automatically invalidating your feelings, he can acknowledge your feelings but still do what he needs to do. He can show further empathy by sticking to timings/communicating clearly whilst you get used to being alone.

I think if you want to truly understand the idea of validation and what to expect from your partner in a healthy relationship, you should explore it with your therapist or read a whole book on it. I don’t mean that in a patronising way, I just mean a sound bite or a google search isn’t enough to base your whole definition on, especially when anxiety is playing such a huge role in your emotions.

I was really pleased to see you’re going back to the same therapist next week, by the way. I think it’ll be really empowering and, with lots of patience and focus, could take a lot of pressure off your relationship.