Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

He actually sounds alright, works hard, does a fair amount of the household stuff, more than you do from those lists including the grottier bits , financially supports you so you can pay off debt you accrued without him, he's healthy and active, does most of the cooking, clearly cares about his family if he's off to help grandma, he's just asked you to let the water guy in.
You sound like really hard work, you have high expectations of him while not recognising your own lack of contribution or the impact your ad hoc anxiety has on him.
Also of course a parent should prioritise the children!

No I used to be on anti depressants but I’m not really depressed anymore.

is being a picky eater really eating disorder?

But it is useful because it’s very neat.

you sound like him now because he thinks there’s only 3 things that need to be done daily which is someone has to pay the bills, the food needs to be cooked and house needs to be cleaned.

but this isn’t all there is

What do you eat in a typical day,you've had an eating disorder before, did you get treatment for that., what makes you gag.

Ok you guys have convinced me I have some issues.

should I do relationship counseling with him? Would a relationship counselor agree with you guys assessment?

im trying not to feel offended but I am

I think you need some therapy by yourself .

Jeez there's children too?!

No you need to do counselling on your own, to address your anxiety, eating issues and potentially OCD traits. When you have been doing this for a while and are getting on top of your issues you might then want to do couples counselling together

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5353871-i-dont-feel-appreciated-by-my-fiance

What specific changes have you personally made since your thread one month ago @togo1004 ?

Losing sleep and feeling stressed because the cutlery drawer isn't tidy is not helpful, he's trying to help, it doesn't need doing , only in your opinion and mind, you don't seem to want to accept and understand how old, anxiety, constant criticism is destroying you both.

Well before I would start the day with coffee with about 10 tablespoons of sugar.

then eat bread butter and sliced cheese

at night time some bacon and pasta.

this was my usual diet

but now I do eat some veggies and recently he bought me yogurt so I eat that as well

I refuse to do without him. I will ask him
to join me but I would only hope he won’t say something to make me feel bad.

You need significant psychiatric help that needs to be you, not him.

10 tablespoon of sugar, why so much? I'm not surprised you have no energy after such a sugar rush. And you going to seek help for your anxiety and eating?

Are you worried about going to therapy alone because you’re afraid they’ll tell you that you can change things, but you’ll need to put the effort it to change?

Definitely not couples counselling. You need psychiatric help possibly with medication and therapy.

I really don’t think he needs counselling from all you have said.
You absolutely need personal therapy.
It’s quite unbelievable that he does pretty much everything for you and the home/pets and you still feel you’re hard done by.
I can only assume it’s your mental health condition that makes you think the way you do because, in reality, you should be feeling guilty that you have a fiancé who is exhausting himself trying to make you happy.
Forget about him getting therapy and try to find someone for yourself.

I just like sweet things that’s all. I will
speak to my fiancé about therapy, but I would like him to join me and support me.

i just don’t want to feel like I’m the problem in the relationship when there’s 2 of us

Yes, if you stay together you may eventually need some support for your relationship. But right now, you have issues yourself requiring urgent medical attention. You need to see your GP. You need to tell your GP that your eating disorder is not better and that you are suffering from disabling anxiety.

I knew this sounded familiar.

If you take this man to relationship therapy with you, it's very likely that he will realize how much he's putting into the relationship and how little he's getting back.

If it is true that you have 10 tablespoons of sugar in your drinks this will make you very ill very soon. It’s not a harmless eccentricity. It is very harmful and indicates a disordered reality.

Your partner is not the problem here, in fact he sounds like a saint for putting up with this!
You seem to be disagreeing with the very many people telling you that the problem is you and your behaviour, then providing even more information to support their views. It’s bizarre.
That’s why you need therapy and he doesn’t. He just needs to leave.

But you aren't making him as a priority. If you were you would be getting help for your anxiety and not trying to make it his responsibility all the time to validate you. All the pressure seems to be on him to run round and rearrange everything because you have anxiety. What are you doing to access help?