Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

My parents have a good relationship, they are partners like 50/50.

my fiancé is a bit more traditional, he’s from Asian background and he likes taking the lead in the relationship, which I find to be very attractive in a way but it also comes with down sides as he is very strongly opinionated and always giving me advice on how working out will help me with my mental state and trying to get me to eat healthier which I find disgusting.

I can’t even drink water without flavor..

I’m 31 and he’s 40.

if I’m being perfectly honest, he’s done so much for me. I do have the tendency to be negative but I don’t like to hear all of the time
”be positive, it’s a choice, you should be more grateful for everything”

it’s not so easy for me.

wtf? I feel sorry for the guy

Why don't you work, why not take his advice about eating healthier foods, do you have any outside interests, what do you do all day
.

If I feel anxiety, no matter what we’re doing he has to calm me down and support me emotionally

OP I’m sorry but you are wrong about this. You really need to read some more about adult relationships and explore this in therapy. You understanding of relationships is not healthy and won’t serve you well.

hes also my priority. If he’s sick I take care of him. If he’s hungry I cook for him. I don’t contribute financially but he says it’s fine and that I should focus on paying my debt off.

i also made his house warmer. His house was so empty and bland before I moved in and now it’s more homely he even agrees

You aren't entitled to have every feeling validated especially if it's unreasonably impacting on him or anyone else. It's not his job to validate every feeling you have. If you don't feel emotionally safe because he didn't validate your social anxiety then go and get some help for your social anxiety. It's negatively impacting both of you. You don't need him to come with you to therapy if it's therapy for you.

Wow. I don't think you'll have a partner for much longer if I'm honest.

I do work. I have a big loan from long ago and is actively paying that off. If not for the loan I wouldn’t be working at all as he’s ok with me not working as long as I can take care of the cooking and cleaning.

i can’t eat too healthy because it makes me gag. He went on and on about how what I’m eating is a big reason why I have no energy and how I should use less sugar in my coffee and how I should go for a walk everyday. But I’m not over weight or anything.

hes a health freak in a way, he’s in the gym 5 days a week and eats tons of veggies and lean protein but I can’t live like that

You are expecting too much of him. I say this as someone who also has anxiety. You are certainly going to tire him out and run him away. It is your responsibility to validate your own feelings. Someone thinking for themselves, raising valid points and sharing them with you is not invalidating you. What you are expecting of him is not reasonable or healthy. It’s also not his job to make you feel better. If you can’t make yourself feel better? Why do you think he has that power? Your problems are bigger and likely predate him.

Christ, you sound awful - nothing but take, take, take.

I agree with your fiance in absolutely everything you’ve written. He is fundamentally right and you are fundamentally wrong, across the whole board.

Honestly you sound like a petulant child. Maybe he enjoys being a caretaker in a relationship which is why he's attracted to you but he's telling you it's not working so it's time to do some self reflection.

I can’t eat too healthily because it makes me gag

This is an eating disorder. You need professional help for this as well as your anxiety. Your DH cannot help you with your issues. It is for you to help yourself with the support of professionals.

What do you eat, he's right, it could be your diet that's why you have no energy. Have you tried going to a gym, do you have friends, any outside interests, any hobbies.

I don’t think you will have the issues much longer as he will reach breaking point and leave . Sorry but you sound incredibly needy . And you expect him to put you before any DC ?

This is offensive I do a lot for him too. Im
there for him always if he also needs something. I don’t just take take..

You sound like a child. Your contribution is "organising" and laundry for only two adults? What could possibly need so much organising?

I suffered from eating disorder before. I can’t even drink room temperature water, I’ve thrown up because of it.

Quite a lot, like drawers, the kitchen. I can’t goto sleep unless the everything is hidden and organized I feel extremely stressed if things are not orderly.

Your post and follow up comments gave rage bait, then this? Yikes.

If this somehow isn't fiction, please don't have children.

They would need a lifetime of therapy to undo the damage of their mother 'competing' with them for their father's love and attention.

You have extreme anxiety on top of an eating disorder, are you on any medication or had any therapy, you really need to seek help.,

This isn't useful work and it's not a contribution to a well running household.

You sound really unwell. You're describing signs of anxiety disorder, eating disorder and OCD. I really urge you to go and seek some psychological support for your difficulties. You can't see it because you're inside it but your perspective is not at all normal.

OP, you still have an eating disorder and your anxieties are disabling you. It is very hard to face this, but only you can fix it ( with the support of professionals). Your DH cannot go along with your disordered thinking. This is what happens in enmeshed, codependent relationships. He needs to maintain a sense of what is healthy and real. He does not (should not) bend reality to fit the way you see things. Get professional help.

Seek help for yourself, your behaviour will destroy both of you and any children you may have. You must realise,this.

Nope, sorry, I think you're dragging him down and not adding anything positive to his life.

For both your sakes, I hope one of you finds the strength to end the relationship sooner rather than later.