Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

I have to say I agree with this

You sound like hard work. I'm surprised he's sticking around.

You need individual therapy, not couples counseling. This is a you issue. It has nothing to do with him. You have anxiety. You have OCD. You have an eating disorder. You are treating him poorly. Get yourself therapy and leave him out of it! He does not need to hold your hand. Go fix yourself or you will be single really soon. I can't believe he puts up with you. I would bet if he did go to couples therapy though he would realize that you are absolutely not compatible. You are not a child, stop acting like one. You are the one who does not appreciate him.

But you are the problem....

OP it seems from your previous thread that you have some physical health issues which may be making your mental health worse. You said in your previous thread that your DH was planning to help you deal with iron deficiency. This is your issue to fix, with your doctor. You need blood tests urgently as it seems like you have not been functioning normally for a long while. The doctor should give you a full range of blood tests including iron and thyroid. Your doctor also should prescribe you medication to help with your anxiety and refer you to a psychiatrist. This is your responsibility, in tandem with your doctor. It is not for your DH to fix.

Poor guy. I think you need to let him go and sort yourself out before getting into another relationship.

Wow! You really should go to therapy on your own, even if you never have relationship therapy, you should get individual therapy and take responsibility for yourself.

Asking someone to reschedule a workman because you might get a bit anxious about opening the door and then kicking off when they quite reasonably push back and suggest you are going to be able to cope is not normal or healthy. Your partner is right not to cave in every time you have a wobble, he'd not be doing you any favours by enabling your anxiety.

You have so many things that you could get help with that if you worked on could massively improve your life and your relationship.

Your partner must have the patience of a saint (or some messed up saviour complex) as there is no way I could live with someone that required such a parent / child dynamic within the relationship.

How about you end this relationship, then you will both be free to meet someone else more suited to your personalities.

This is not going to work.

Yes you do. Organising drawers and occasional laundry is nothing. All you bring to the relationship is debt. For the love of God, sort yourself out. You. Alone. Not him, he’s fine. You.

This. To be honest you sound exhausting and to say you won't attend therapy for your anxiety unless he attends with you, well that's just manipulative

He's your partner, not an emotional crutch

From what you say in your previous threads, your tiredness and sleep patterns are not normal. They could indicate depression and may also be a symptom of malnutrition because of your eating disorder. You mention iron deficiency and it’s possible you also have under active thyroid. You need to see a doctor as soon as possible. You need to do this for yourself. It is your responsibility, not your parents’ or DH.

Therapist here...
Seeking therapy does not mean that you are "the only problem in the relationship". It is acknowledging that there are some things about you that you could explore to help yourself and potentially the relationship. It seems that you do have some issues with food and control that might benefit from a bit of work. Maybe at a later date you could explore relationship therapy, when you can have a more balanced conversation rather than focussing on your "issues".

I think it would be helpful to explore where your models of relationships come from, as they don't sound particularly healthy.

"as my fiance it's his job to make me feel safe"

No - it really is not.

You absolutely should not be leaning on someone so heavily, or rely on them to give you emotional support. It is a huge burden. He is not your carer or your therapist. You are blaming him for your mental health problems and that is not fair.

You are the one with severe anxiety, so you are the one who needs therapy. He doesn't need therapy. You do.
You don't need couples counselling, you need individual counselling.

Once you have had some counselling, you will then be able to decide whether this is the right relationship for you or not.

I'm sure you've heard about "accountability", OP. If you truly value your relationship it's probably time that you tried it.

I have a long history of anxiety, some OCD, and depression. It’s mine to fix on my own. I've spent years seeking therapy, reading books, taking medication, and making sure I look after myself because nobody else can fix it for me. I love and respect the people around me far too much to burden them with something that isn't theirs to fix, and I love and respect myself far too much to give up my autonomy and hand my emotional wellbeing over to anyone else.

You are wrong to tell him it's up to him to calm you down. You're not a child and he's not your parent. You have to learn how to calm yourself down. I say that as someone who struggles with anxiety due to autism myself. Your boyfriend is right, it's you that needs to seek therapy for you. You need it to get to the root of your anxiety and to learn coping techniques.

This post is a fucking wind up surely? I feel so sorry for the poor bastard living with OP

What you have said points very strongly to an eating disorder, OCD and anxiety. You need to see a doctor and get some proper medical help for these things.

These things existed before your relationship with him, from what you say. You need to get help for those things independently. Without him. These are nothing to do with couples counselling, these are serious medical issues.

Yes! I thought it all started to sound a bit familiar

OP you sound extremely exhausting. He does not need to validate someone who is being ridiculous. It does come across as though you are just being difficult rather than experiencing an actual issue if you are fine to meet strangers on your own terms, but can't open the door for a handy man and exchange a few polite words.

What would you do if you lived on your own and needed something serviced in your house? Surely you would just cracked on with having a handyman over to fix a leaking toilet or whatever than to just leave it and flood your house.

To put it bluntly - you are the problem here. You are the one that needs the therapy if you really are having that level of anxiety. And to be honest, I think most people would leave someone that is causing arguments this frequently over little things. It is not your partner's job to coddle you and let you not pull your weight in the relationship just because every little thing seems to be a problem for you.

I would advise you get therapy quickly and try to make some changes before you find yourself single. It is not his job to make you feel better about the problems you are causing in the relationship. You need to fix them.

You are the problem and you will push him away if you don't get yourself help, alone without him.

Errr you do all know the summer holidays have already started in some places don't you? 😂

It was the ten sugars that did it, up to that point you were doing well OP 😆

While going to couples therapy together may be an idea in the future, individual therapy for you first is your best step, I appreciate that will be a hard step to take but you need to work on yourself as soon as possible.

Oh gosh OP, break up in that case. He would be 100% right to put kids first.

Are you Buddy the Elf?