Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

168 replies

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:25

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

OP posts:
Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 07:28

he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our D

who cares? You shouldn’t

He was an adult
He behaved abysmally
And he’s made bugger all of his life since then.

no career prospects? I reckon he’d be in the same position financially even if you two had remained married. And his money issues would be yours!

PermanentTemporary · 17/07/2025 07:28

I work with older people and it’s actually quite common for an ex-wife to be part of the support for an elderly man. Occasionally an ex-husband for a wife too. I think it’s quite normal. You may not ever want to be fully with them but out of the millions of people in the world you got married, that’s a serious connection that doesn’t have to disappear completely.

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 07:28

but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this

Ever heard of “middle ground

indifference
moderately concerned

PersephoneParlormaid · 17/07/2025 07:29

His situation is his own fault, and presumably he’ll leave nothing to the kids when he’s gone, you’ll have to do that as well. He’s a loser.

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 07:29

Why is this outing?

he behaved like a dick
you divorced him
he hasn’t made much of his life since
hardly ground breaking stuff on mumsnet or in Rl

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:32

@PermanentTemporaryI hadn’t thought of it like that… thankyou. We did and always will have a connection due to the time we shared together. I don’t doubt that without the DCs we would no longer be in each others lives because of how our marriage ended, but now things are on better terms with us, I do care about him.

OP posts:
Isitreallysohard · 17/07/2025 07:32

It's ok to have a heart OP! I'm like this too, as much as I might want to hate someone or be glad at their misfortune, you can't. It's being a good human. I'm glad you're in a good place, and sounds like in the long run it all worked out for you. And for him, well karma.

EnglishRain · 17/07/2025 07:33

I think it’s bit weird you’re hung up on this. Are you doing therapy with him? I don’t understand why you’ve not reduced your contact as much as possible. At one point you say a few years ago, which suggests maybe 3-4, and then ‘over the years’ which suggests more like 10+ ago that you split. If you’re both only in your 40s a lot can change, he might not be doomed forever. Your post comes across as a bit competitive/an ego boost for you, putting him down and talking yourself up. It’s meaningless. You both lead your own lives. He’s the children’s father and that’s it, you don’t need to have any serious involvement with him anymore. Move on…

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:33

PersephoneParlormaid · 17/07/2025 07:29

His situation is his own fault, and presumably he’ll leave nothing to the kids when he’s gone, you’ll have to do that as well. He’s a loser.

You are right. His health isn’t great (he has a chronic condition) and he’s never been good with money so the likelihood is, I’ll be the one seeing the kids through adulthood.

OP posts:
SandAndSunshine · 17/07/2025 07:35

First post nails it.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:35

EnglishRain · 17/07/2025 07:33

I think it’s bit weird you’re hung up on this. Are you doing therapy with him? I don’t understand why you’ve not reduced your contact as much as possible. At one point you say a few years ago, which suggests maybe 3-4, and then ‘over the years’ which suggests more like 10+ ago that you split. If you’re both only in your 40s a lot can change, he might not be doomed forever. Your post comes across as a bit competitive/an ego boost for you, putting him down and talking yourself up. It’s meaningless. You both lead your own lives. He’s the children’s father and that’s it, you don’t need to have any serious involvement with him anymore. Move on…

We split in 2022. I don’t do therapy with him. Our children are still very young so it’s impossible to not have contact with him. He also asks for advice on things a lot… but I know I need to be more boundaried with this.

Not an ego boost at all. I truly wish he was happy and settled.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:38

Isitreallysohard · 17/07/2025 07:32

It's ok to have a heart OP! I'm like this too, as much as I might want to hate someone or be glad at their misfortune, you can't. It's being a good human. I'm glad you're in a good place, and sounds like in the long run it all worked out for you. And for him, well karma.

I guess… I suppose at the heart of it, I don’t like to believe I spent a large chunk of my life with a bad person, and I don’t believe he is, but he behaved terribly and it broke me at the time. Despite this, I don’t like thinking of him being sad, despite praying for him to get his karma years ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:41

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 07:29

Why is this outing?

he behaved like a dick
you divorced him
he hasn’t made much of his life since
hardly ground breaking stuff on mumsnet or in Rl

It’s outing because my other posts under my usual username would make it easily identifiable.

Are you ok?

OP posts:
NeedToAskPlease · 17/07/2025 07:42

2022 is still a recent split. l think you need to put boundaries in place to stop him slowly sucking you in and ending up financially and emotionally supporting him.

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 17/07/2025 07:44

I have a similar situation

Ex left me, turned nasty during the divorce

Finally got it over and done with the there influence went down

I have the kids all the time and I was able to buy them out the family home

Now I'm happily living with the kids in the family home (working full time as well)

While they tried to have a fun life from the money from the divorce

That money is all gone now, and they just seem resentful and arguing with anyone who tries to help

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:44

Thanks @NeedToAskPleaseyou are right. I am not sure if he is consciously aware of it but he’s always been able to manipulate me (for want of a better word) into supporting him with things in his life. So I will step back more moving forward and keep our relationship solely based on the children.

OP posts:
KimHwn · 17/07/2025 07:46

I am in a similar situation OP, and I think it's OK to have empathy for someone. So many people give a lot of energy to bitterness, which ultimately isn't good for them. And yes, maybe detachment and indifference would be easier feelings to bear, but for me it's moved beyond indifference into empathy- I don't think I could care about my ex if I hadn't first acknowledged the hurt and the end of the relationship.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:47

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 17/07/2025 07:44

I have a similar situation

Ex left me, turned nasty during the divorce

Finally got it over and done with the there influence went down

I have the kids all the time and I was able to buy them out the family home

Now I'm happily living with the kids in the family home (working full time as well)

While they tried to have a fun life from the money from the divorce

That money is all gone now, and they just seem resentful and arguing with anyone who tries to help

Big congratulations to you for getting through what would have been an incredibly turbulent time and coming through the other side.

I did have this with Ex-DH when it hit home to him how little he ended up with post divorce. And at the time he was dating someone who was in his ear about how he had been shafted so I dealt with the bitterness and resentment too. Appears to have died down now since they split.

Sending you best wishes for a happy future x

OP posts:
notanothersummercold · 17/07/2025 07:47

Your feelings are understandable op, it's hard to just not care when you see someone you used to love in that situation.
It sounds like he knows he fucked up which inna way is worse than if he'd carried on, easier to not care then.

CrowMate · 17/07/2025 07:50

I think it’s perfectly natural to feel empathy for someone. Keep in mind that things can change. While things may not be rosy now, they can get better for him - that’s something for him to work on, as you did for yourself whilst raising your children.

Candleabra · 17/07/2025 07:50

I understand in one level why you feel like you do.
But other than being parents together you have no responsibility towards him. You mention therapy (for him). It sounds like he’s seeking restitution for his behaviour. Have you ever had any therapy? To look into why you are feeling like this? It’s out of kindness and compassion I’m sure, but don’t be drawn back into his life. You’re not his support, counsellor, confidant or therapist and you need to put boundaries in place.

BestofLuck · 17/07/2025 07:51

You're clearly a good person OP and I agree it’s quite common to have feelings like this. He’s played an important part in your personal life and continues to be in your life with the children. I know of (older) relationships where the ex wife plays a caring role in ex husband’s life. But they have boundaries in place. That’s the key. This man hurt you immensely and it sounds positive for both of you that he’s gone through therapy but you must protect yourself. It sounds like you’re doing that anyway, in asking of him nothing more than stepping up as a father. It’s his cross to bear, the feelings of guilt he’s dealing with. You sound lovely and well done for moving onwards and upwards. Keep on doing what you’re doing.

Isitreallysohard · 17/07/2025 07:53

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:38

I guess… I suppose at the heart of it, I don’t like to believe I spent a large chunk of my life with a bad person, and I don’t believe he is, but he behaved terribly and it broke me at the time. Despite this, I don’t like thinking of him being sad, despite praying for him to get his karma years ago!

Show quote history

That's fair. I'd feel the same. It would be more strange if you didn't care. And he is the father of your children.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:53

Candleabra · 17/07/2025 07:50

I understand in one level why you feel like you do.
But other than being parents together you have no responsibility towards him. You mention therapy (for him). It sounds like he’s seeking restitution for his behaviour. Have you ever had any therapy? To look into why you are feeling like this? It’s out of kindness and compassion I’m sure, but don’t be drawn back into his life. You’re not his support, counsellor, confidant or therapist and you need to put boundaries in place.

Thankyou 🩷. I have had therapy and I established through that, that he always felt like my “safe space” when we were married.. which was why his betrayal hit so hard. Since then I’ve done a lot of work in building up support within my family and friends and he would never be a person I’d turn to into crisis.

You are right, I need to work on my boundaries so that he understands what our “relationship” is now.

OP posts:
PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 17/07/2025 07:53

I think it means you have grown and dealt with the past. You are no longer hurt by what happened as you have healed yourself, which is a great place to be.

Objectively it is sad, it is sad the marriage didn't work and that he wasn't the man he should be. It is sad that he threw away a good life, and that he hasn't got much now.

I think acknowledging this feeling is good, you say you do not want to go back, you just need to make sure this realisation never slips towards guilt (something women easily seem to do especially when they are blameless)