Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

[thegoldensun]

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

OP, you are amazing and he is a spectacular piece of shit.
Sort out your empathetic nature and the true reality of what a selfish tosser he is.

He would love you to be his "mankeeping" support, but your children deserve so much more than him.

Step back and save your empathetic nature for yourself and children.

He is scum.
Only scum could do what he did.

Well done for being an amazing mother.
Your children are blessed with you.

You sound like a compassionate person and you’re in a healthy space. Just don’t let the sympathy turn into getting sucked in and pulled downwards. I’m glad you managed to come back after what must have been a devastating experience.

I agree with you. I think its healthy that you feel sorry for him. He has, after all, f-d up both of your lives but he has come off worst.

But you shouldn't let that influence you. He has made his bed.

But you're right, there's no glee is seeing someone else's pain. No matter what they did. Not for me. Not for most people I suspect. Just sadness.

You don’t have to be smug/gleeful. But you also don’t need to feel sorry for someone who f*cked around and found out.

I know a few variations of this. Men ditching their wives and families for a less onerous life. They often end up sad and alone. The most recent example was a guy who spent 6 weeks in hospital without a single visitor because he lost most of his social network when he screwed his wife over in their divorce. Turns out that swiping right from an orthopaedic ward isn’t that successful.

FFS, there are some idiotic replies on here. It is lovely that you have enough human compassion to look at someone and feel sorry for them, even when that person hurt you. Feelings are not cut and dried, and you are obviously kind.

It doesnt mean that people who cant do this, or cant do it with everyone, are in the wrong. But it is ok to feel sorry for the situation people are in while holding them accountable and not allowing them to hurt us again.

I am in a similar situation @thegoldensun and feel terrible some days.

I gave up my career and stayed home to look after DS and it was really difficult for me to lose that side of my identity and become a SAHM. He went out to work, excelled in his career and cheated on me.

Almost 10 years later, I have a fab job, own my lovely home and engaged to my lovely DP. On the other hand, his affair failed off, no relationships since, still rents a shabby house and has had career strife.

I must wear my feelings on my face some days as my DM said to me, randomly, whilst I was deep in thought about it and she was watching “it isn’t your fault, he made his bed.”

It still feels lousy that I came out “well” and he hasn’t done a thing. The replies here, I am applying to my own situation, and they are helping so thank you all other posters.

@Hotflushesandchilblains totally agree -

Of vourse the OP is clearly a lovely person and very decent to feel sad that someone she loved fxxked up so terribly.

We are being direct because someone so kind could so easily be manipulate by someone so selfish.

She and her children deserve the very best in their future.

how heartless! She cares because he’s the father of her children and a man she once loved. And we can have compassion for our fellow human beings

Being direct about not being sucked back in is one thing. But some replies are telling OP she is wrong to feel this way. She isn't.

I sometimes see people standing trial for horrible crimes and feel sorry for them. It does not mean I condone what they have done, or think they should be given another chance or not be punished. But sometimes their stories are awful too, and I cant help but feel sorry for them in some ways. It doesn't make me indifferent to the victims - it is not a competition and the two things can exist side by side.

Nothing that anyone feels is wrong. Its what you do with it that is important.

I can quite understand your feelings, although l was divorced l was quite upset when my ex passed away, we had history, children and didn't wish him harm.

@thegoldensun you sound like a lovely person, but this is all his own doing.

Atleast he can now see the error of his ways but unfortunately it’s too little too late.

Lets hope he can step up as Dad xx

You sound like a really decent person op. And of course, you’ve witnessed all this. These weren’t your decisions, they were his and you KNEW they were fucking ridiculous. But, he was determined “live his best life” blah blah, usual bollocks. And now, he is exactly where you thought he’d be, so of course you feel sad for him. You loved him massively at one point, it’s hard not to look at him and think “you threw it all away for nothing”? Plus, the DC are still young, you need him not to totally fall apart, for their sake.
But, he’s a grown up. He played shit games and he’s got shit prizes. Nothing you said or did would have stopped him, he has literally been the architect of his own downfall. So, whilst I understand the sadness you feel, it’s not on you to fix it. That man needs to fix himself. You’ve done your hard work to recover after he massively fucked you over. Let him fix himself.

Who gives a fuck really OP?!?!!! I think this is pathetic. He got exactly what he wanted and now he is paying for it, so what.

Very much this. He’s already crossing lines asking for your help. I can’t believe you’re giving it to him. 🤯

This resonates so much with me, but from a slightly different angle.

I think I only showed weakness once to my DS after his dad left, I opened a letter as we both came home from the school run, to find another huge legal bill from my divorce lawyer due to chasing and chasing my ex to complete the necessary paperwork etc. I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads and just burst into tears standing at the front door.

He on the other hand wallowed in self pity around my DS on his weekends being generally useless and disorganised because he "wasn't used to managing on his own". My son used to regurgitate this absolute pity party back to me on his return, and carry the stress of how dad used to "live on sandwiches" and how sad he was etc while we led a good life. He even started holding it against me that it was my fault his dad was so sad.

I, of course, had to bite my tongue about his wonderful father being found on adult hook up sites continuously trying to cheat, abusing me financially and constantly lying. I used my weekends without him to cry, scream and wallow in private.

I ended up over compensating by making sure DS had everything he needed for visitation that his father should have provided. But for a while his weaponsied incompetence really looked like it was going to damage my relationship with my son.

He ended up on group therapy sessions where children were encouraged not to feel guilt about these situations, and that adults were adults and in control of their own lives and that children were allowed to feel happy and not guilty when they were with either parent.

So I can see why a lot of women overcompensate to ensure their kids have positive feelings during contact and reassure them that their dad is OK, and carry that load also. In a way I can now see that it's a form of control as they see you building you life back without them and becoming a stronger person.

Please try and put these feelings to one side op. His apologies are most likely given to absolve his shitty behaviour. He has 26 days of every month to himself to train for a better job, make his home a nicer place, take on other means of employment whereas you don't, because you carry the full responsibility of the life he walked away from.

Make the continuous mantra in your head "he's a fully grown adult, in charge of his own life decisions."

Why do you wish he was happier? He clearly didn’t give a stuff about your happiness when you were married! Don’t fall into looking after him, you don’t have any obligations and it sounds like you feel sorry for him and might start caring too much!