Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

[thegoldensun]

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

The no prospect of career progression would be the same even if he had been a model husband, so I don't think that should affect your view of him.

It sounds like you've been split years not just 3. Its ok to care about him as the father of your kids. Just dont take on responsibility for him.

There are thousands upon thousands of men like this, who are divorced and lonely now because they left all the grunt work to their wives, who finally got fed up, and I don’t feel sorry for them one bit.
i think we need to go back a step to help them, to somehow communicate to the men who didn’t work it out for themselves, that women are actually human beings, not their support and sex slaves.

Of the men I know who are now divorced in their 40s (either they left because they thought the grass was greener elsewhere, or their wife finally got fed up of their lazy and entitled behaviour after many years), none are thriving particularly.

They’ve all realised just how much work their wife did to facilitate their entire life: relationships with children and extended family, home admin, kids, everything really.

You talk of your husband being your safe space, but you were his without him even realising it. Make sure you build a lovely life of happiness without him, you deserve it.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs

Lots of men suddenly act nicer when they get older, don’t attract women like they once did and are on their arses. I wonder if he’d be quite so open to therapy and be quite so apologetic if things were going well for him, he had opportunities to shag more women, was richer etc. 🤔
Be civil, have a good relationship with him if you can as it’s good for your children even as they get older, but don’t get dragged in. You’ve moved on, things are good for you, don’t let him get in your head. I don’t believe anyone like that changes that much, not really, rather they change because they see advantages for themselves in changing.

It isn't either or.

Otherwise good people can do fucking stupid things sometimes, so to my mind it is perfectly legitimate to be able to not want to be with someone any more while also feeling sorry they're struggling.

You have left over emotion towards him, that isn't love in the, married, sex sense, but in the shared history sense. And that's perfectly healthy, as long as it doesn't veer into blaming yourself, feeling responsibility towards helping him, or "feelings'.

@thegoldensun
I totally understand how you feel.

A good friends ex-DH completely destroyed their marriage. I won’t go into details but he was horrendous to her and she nearly took her life.

5 years later, he is a very broken lonely shell of a man. He’s also broke financially (his own doing).

He had it all, but he chose to throw a granade on their marriage. I know part of my friend is sad for him, because she really loved him and always will to a point because they had spent a whole lifetime together and had children.

He was the sole instigator of his downfall, but even as an outsider, part of me feels a bit sorry for him, and the state his life is in, compared to what he had before, but I could never forgive him for what he did to her.

At the end of the day it depends if you have a cold heart or not, and you obviously don’t. I think it would be a lot easier sometimes to have one.

You dont have to be "smug and gleeful" about it but equally, marinating in feeling sorry for him is just as unhealthy and dysfunctional.

He is a grown adult who made his own choices and had plenty of opportunities to better himself but did not use them. You cannot rescue him or pity him out of his situation - in fact, making mistakes is the way we learn as people. Dont rob him of his "rock bottom" - it might be the only thing that enables him to realise whats truly valuable in life.

We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all.

I’ve been in a similar position. Just heart breaking really the destruction left behind for the temporary ego boost. Well done you had the courage to rebuild your life and be a good mother to your children, which wouldn’t have been easy. And now you see the state of his life - and he finally realises the awful consequences (losing you and his family) of his bad decisions. You are a good person, you loved him once, so of course you don’t want to see him unhappy, even though this is a well deserved consequence for him! Don’t be drawn back in, but you can still offer some support if you want and he really struggles in old age, as another poster said. It’s just so tragic the ways in which people ruin their own one precious life. When we lived so many years with someone as well you always feel that bit of caretaking for them still in some way.

I had almost the exact conversation with a friend last night. Both in similar situations when our relationships with our exdh ended, one due to cheating by the exdh, the other due to emotional abuse by the exdh. Several years later and our ex’s are in rented accommodation with no chance of buying due to age and finances, no meaningful relationships to speak of and looking at having to work well into their 70s . We decided it wasn’t a case of ‘feeling sorry for them’ as it’s definitely a case of ‘you reap what you sow’, but more pity that they had a good life with wives that loved them, financial security and great dc.

my friends ex is has a health issue that means he’s not very mobile and can’t work, but she’s the only family he has left so she does ferry him to doctors appointments and grab him some shopping now and again. I think a lot of people would tell him to sling his hook, but it’s another reminder to him, what a good person he cheated on. She’s never been well off but has made such a wonderful life for her and the dc, bought and made a lovely home for her and the dc (he sees them for 2 hours a week). She pities him rather than feels sorry for him

Some men aren't capable of being good fathers or partners.

I have an ex who I caught being dumped by a work colleague. I dumped him too. Then he married someone, had two dcs and did the same to her with an intern from his work. Work found out and fired him (she was a very young intern, he was her boss).

He lost the house in his divorce. His reputation got around his very small industry and career advancement has stalled. He's now living in the same situation.

Your ex is an adult, as is mine. They knew exactly what they were doing but only cared about themselves. They were indifferent to the harm they did others. It was their choice. Don't let your sympathy grow any stronger.

Well done for rebuilding your life.

It’s fine to care about someone without romantic attraction and you had those once, of course you care because you are a nice person. If your children have 2 loving parents who can spend time together at key points of their lives without drama, they are better off than many dc! I did feel for my ex at one point because he was so down in the doldrums, all his own doing, he left me, (I’d meanwhile found a far better model, what a relationship should be like, and am super happy and settled) he now has found a life partner and is happy though one of my DD’s isn’t as keen as the other (says she’s into weird alternative medicine stuff!)

Your final sentence suggests you wish he was some other woman’s problem.

My ex husband was awful to me and our children. He emptied the joint account, repeatedly made me out to be unstable. It was the money that screwed me over at the time and the two little babies I had that I wasn’t a 100% happy mama and supported as I worried constantly about everything. It should have been the happiest time of my life. He didn’t turn up for contact. Everything I said he either replied ‘I’m not discussing this’ or ‘I refute your allegations’ this was when I queried him not showing up for contact. He made me so ill I developed an auto immune disease. Even now he pays the minimum of CSA and just about has one of the children for court ordered time in the holiday but he never does homework, sports or pays for sports or extras etc

I can’t think about what he did for the last 10 years or I get angry or cry. My husband plays with my children, tucks them up in bed, treats their infected toe nail, goes to awards day, buys them a book they will love etc my ex doesn’t do any of that - he picks them up like toys plays with them and puts them back. He has emotional chips missing.

My ex has no friends and does cycling daily (obsessed) by has no friends and his money. He’s miserable. He loathes it and sometimes I do catch myself feeling sorry for him or trying to help him and then remember it is HIS doing and he can never make up for the 5 years of f hell where I worried about everything on my own and he was out cycling and laughing - I was at home with a newborn trying to hold my life together and feeling suicidal due to his actions. My brain protects me - it tries to forget trauma but it’s there.

He’s manipulating you because he himself knows what you know, what you’ve listed above; no progression, getting older etc etc.

If he won the lottery and picked up a new younger model, would he be ‘vulnerable’ and apologise to you do you think? I don’t believe for one minute that someone who can behave as he did 3 years ago, is now a completely different person. He’s just changing his methods to keep you caring about him and pressing your empathy button. Ditching his kids, leaving you drowning in work and sole childcare of young children. All to cheat and move away… disgusting person. Grey rock the cunt and continue your own upwards trajectory!

2022 is still very recent. It is entirely possible that he will meet someone else in due course. I wonder will he still be pining after you then? You are obviously a decent good person OP but don't spend much energy worrying about your ex.

Oh, the poster above me said it better!

He may be trying to get back in to a relationship with you having realised his mistake. I would take a step back, you are not part of his therapy, nor are you responsible for him. You don’t want to give him false hope either. I’d focus on kids and keep conversation about child arrangements only. As you have said you will be the one supporting your kids in to adulthood.
If you can afford to you could giving some money to make up the equity he lost in house sale. But only if it wouldn’t impact on you and your children’s future. But I wouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t, in that instance you both put your children first to ensure you could provide a stable home for them.
when my ex dh left us he got 50% of equity but a few years later house prices rocketed so he did miss out. He also chose to blow it all rather than put a deposit on a house. He is on his third marriage now, his children from 1st and 2nd marriage barely see him (his doing). His wife is severely disabled and they lost a child a few years ago. It’s been rough for him mostly self inflicted but still rough. I do feel sorry for him but I don’t feel or want to be the person to support him.

Thanks so much for all the responses and for sharing so many of your experiences.

@Jasmineonightwhat you have shared resonates so powerfully for me! I was left with the children, including twins under the age of a year… and whilst he was going out, spending money (I was on mat leave so didn’t have a big income coming in) and living the “life”. I was suicidal, just getting by hour by hour.

I am so pleased you have met a man who shows you and the children the love you deserve x

Please remember that you are ALREADY massively supporting his life by caring for his kids and meeting all the parenting obligations that he doesn't (and hasn't, and won't).

That is huge. He is already freeloading off you.

He sounds good at looking pathetic and waiting to be looked after. As soon as he finds some other poor woman to support him, what will happen then? Will he still be making an effort with your DC? Previous evidence suggests not.

My long term ex (we split decades ago) was always a scammer. He was charming though and was given chance after chance by various women after me, which he didn't deserve. He threw away all those chances because ...well, that's what some men are like. He's now basically a cocklodger, with different women taking him in thinking he's the man of their dreams, only to chuck him out once they wake up.

He looks old now and tired. I still see him from time to time at family occasions. I do feel sorry for him in a way, but then I remember how nasty he was to me for years. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again.

You are right @EverybodyLTB - he has had a number of failed relationships in what has been a relatively short period of time. And when he’s in one, his demeanour changes and he’s more selfish… so I’d have no doubt that if he met someone else, this would happen again. My only concern is that the DCs are getting older and more aware so if he does this again, it’ll impact on them.

You are right though.. I need to take a step back.

@whynotmereallyWhilst I’m not drowning in money, I earn relatively well (though childcare fees and bills take a massive chunk!) I had considered offering him some money or offering to reduce his CM amounts to help him out a little… but then I know with him the money would be squandered on dates, clothes and other crap rather than anything useful like a deposit for a house, or savings for our children. So instead I put money aside for the children every month.

@OohhhhhBigStretch
Very interesting isn’t it?! It does seem that in the short term, the women suffer greatly after a relationship breakdown… but then the tides change.

Perhaps men don’t have the same support networks that we do? Or maybe as other people have alluded to in this thread… age hits them and they aren’t able to attract the same attention, do the same things physically… and suddenly the family unit they had and destroyed seems very appealing again.

You don't need to fell sad or happy. He made his choices.