Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

[thegoldensun]

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

Sounds like he fucked around and found out.

Like a PP said - as soon as he bags himself a new girlfriend, he'll be sweet.

Definitely be careful, OP. Don't allow yourself to be dragged into feeling or allowing him to view you as responsible for him. It's good you've stated all you need from him is to be a good father. Whatever he says about lessons learned from his therapy, people see the same things (like kindness) differently and often see what they want to see .. like a chance of reconciliation when it looks like they're going to be ageing alone and want someone to look after them.

My ex abandoned me during the most difficult period of my life.

His social media pictures are from 15 years ago. Nothing recent. I also found out he abandoned the mother or his children.

He lives in a suburb at the very end of the train line (furthest from the city) and I suspect he’s still renting because in our city there’s no way he could afford rent + child support + save for a house deposit.

Buying a property was something I was concerned with and progressing in both of our careers was also important. He was happy to stay where he was career wise. He had no ambition yet expected everything to just fall in his lap.

I don’t feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for his ex who had two kids with him. She could have had a much better life if she hadn’t ended up with him.

But I feel nothing for him. No smugness, no satisfaction but certainly no sadness. He got the life he chose. He had this idealised version of what life should be like but was not prepared to work hard for it. He reaped what he sowed.

I think it's difficult when you have children together. My sisters ex went off with someone else, married the new woman & was living the high life for a few year's whilst my sister really struggled financially & emotionally. Long story short he ended up divorced & homeless & my sister let him move in & supported him until he got back on his feet, I thought she was bonkers! But I see now she did it for her children & felt sorry for him, she's a better person than me! Xx

He brought it all on himself.

You can pity him as you're a kind person though.

You sound like a good person OP- I also have pity for my ExH. He was a nightmare alcoholic who treated me very badly. We divorced 16 years ago- my life has been great since and I'm happily remarried- he lost everything and ended up in a care home. I'm sad for him and the man he once was

This makes me happy to read @Giddykiddy(that you have remarried and found happiness).

This thread has helped open my eyes a lot, so thankyou to all of you who have taken the time to respond and share your experiences.

I think because I am in a good place in myself, I had been feeling over generous in my compassion toward him. But ultimately I am only where I am today because I’ve had to fight through and because of my family and friends… not because of him, and sharing some of what happened a couple of years ago was a stark reminder of how cruel he was toward me.

I’ll be taking a step back, and caring from a distance.

Serves him right.

That's up to you. Whatever you chose to do.

I like this. Not British way if thinking though

Are you an empath OP? I am and I even feel sorry for him 🤦‍♀️😂
It’s a gift and a curse!

2022 is fairly recent. He'll meet someone else and start pissing you off again in no time.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna

I’m Irish if that changes anything😉

Funnily enough @thegoldensun i experienced very similar - also with baby twins - and he has also made nothing of his life over the last couple of years since it all blew up. He has no job no home no money. Together we would have could have had it all. Without him it’s tough financially - no CMS getting paid.

I don’t hate him. I actually feel incredibly sorry for him at times - well the man I married - not the man he became. That man I don’t recognise
i think it demonstrates what a kind person you are that you are able to feel some sort of compassion for him and that’s ok so long as you don’t let that blur the lines of boundaries and then you start making concessions for him

You are still raw.

He can't heal you.

You can't heal yourself by trying to heal him. It is a bottomless pit.

He knows you will support him. But he needs to support himself. Don't throw him a pity party.

The kindest thing for you, your sanity, your healing and for your kids is to give him the dignity of being self reliant. He probably won't want it but he needs it. It will be easy for him to suck you back in, you're already almost there.

He gave you no compassion when you were married. He hasn't changed, no one does. He's given you biblical verse on who he actually is. Believe him. The version of him now is cover because he isn't self reliant and wants some idiot to do it all. Don't be that idiot.

I am an empath @Wethers121and like you- it’s a blessing and a curse! I’ve found that it means I end up going over and above for people who don’t always deserve it. I’m learning how to rein it in a little!

As it happens, last night I spoke to him on the phone to re-confirm the plans we had agreed for the summer holiday childcare. I’m juggling annual leave, help from my parents, swapping working days and paying for them to go to holiday club just to make things work.

He had agreed to take 3 week days off over the 6 week period as well as doing his normal every other weekend.

He, as to be expected had totally forgotten summer holidays start next week, and was last night trying to change the goal posts over the days he could have them, citing he couldn’t afford to take time off work/fuel costs…

I have been planning the 6 week holiday since April! I stood firm and told him I couldn’t agree to any changes, I too have work and he will just have to stick to the plans. He also slipped and mentioned his ex girlfriend is back on the scene so I imagine this will mean his attitude will return again, opportune timing as it will mean I can step back even more!

He agreed to have the kids three days per week or three days in the entire summer hols?

You reap what you sow

Three week days out of the six week holidays! As well as his usual every other weekend. Leaving me to juggle the remaining 5.5 weeks… and then last night he was trying to wriggle out of that!

I thought you were going to say that. So this is a man you were feeling so sorry for that you were mentally bending over backwards to help to the point you were thinking of reducing the pittance he pays towards his children’s upkeep. Meanwhile, he’s thinking you’re unreasonable for asking him to look after his own children for 3 days.
Think about that. And stay strong. He will use you for his own gain if you let him, so don’t let him.

You know what makes me laugh about men like that? He thought he'd be a good SAHD and look how often he sees the kids now! FFS, he can't even see them more than 3 extra days in the school holidays. It's so infuriating.

I think men like these have just missed out the life stage where you learn to take responsibility for yourself and your decisions in life.

He's like a teenager moaning to his mother (who does and pays for everything) because she asks him to take out the bins.

Developmentally acceptable if you're 16, perhaps, but not when you've got young children who need you to be a grown-up.

Typical bloke in my experience. The only person he feels sorry for is himself. He's older, broke and staring the abyss in the face. He sees the good life you've built for yourself and wants a slice of it - and a nursemaid when the time comes. Don't fall for it OP.

He's found out that life is worse on the other side (for him).
Sounds like he's trying to be the lovely man he always could be to get back into a nice house with a kind wife/maid and the kids.
Just be careful.