Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

[thegoldensun]

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

Your post actually brought a tear to my eye @PacificState- that’s exactly it. If we didn’t share children I would have cut him out of my life and not looked back. But I don’t want my children to see him struggling and he is in poor health, so I’ve done things to help him on a practical level because I want them to have two happy parents.

But I also recognise I do need to step back a bit, and he’s probably more capable than he makes out that he is

You never know he might win the lotto, he dud once already by meeting you, and didn't realise it early enough.

It's not weird at all, he was a huge part of your life, you knew one another when you were young, shared happy times and have children together.

I am good terms with my exH (he left me) but life is too short to have things any other way. We both have new partners and his girlfriend is lovely (yes, she was the OW). I worry if my children ever tell me that my ex and his girlfriend have had an argument because I would hate to think of him on his own and sad. He may be my ex but we have children together and were married for 20+ years to me, he will always be family. He was right to leave, our marriage was quite volatile. I got over the shock and eventually, met someone I am happy and very compatible with.

It's fine and normal to feel to feel the way you do, OP. It's just viewed as unconventional by a lot of people but there's enough hate in the world already.

Don't do this! The CMS is not for you- it's for your children and he should support them! It's the bare minimum. You remind me of my mum. She divorced my dad due to him gambling away our finances. Even after the divorce she felt sorry for him and didn't want to ask for CMS. Luckily a psychologist made her see that she didn't have more money to live on than him- she just made better choices every month focussing on her children and not on her pleasure. She deprived herself for us without complaining. I later understood how much. Meanwhile my dad is a kind person but he relies on family "feeling sorry" for him. I don't anymore. Please don't feel sorry for your ex.

You can feel sad for someone, whilst simultaneously acknowledging he absolutely has reeped what he’s sewn.
The modern world expects us to be so black & white with emotions, and reality isn’t that. You can feel sad for the life he’s created for himself, but you don’t owe him your charity.
You’re right to help him refocus on his children and make the most of what he has left. It’s down to him to bring himself out of the pity party & move himself forward. Or not. It’s his life.

I think it's totally understandable to feel how you do. Clearly this is someone you once loved very much, someone you made children with. It must be quite difficult to accept that he blew your life up for nothing. He hasn't benefitted from it at all, and the grass wasn't greener. But I think you need to have a clear grasp of the facts of the situation, and when your mind begins to wander and you feel that tug on your heart strings, remind yourself of the cold hard truth. You can literally write it down and keep a list that you read when you need a jolt of reality.

He has chosen his current situation. He could change it, but he continues to choose not to.

He has all but opted out of his children's lives. EOW is not parenting. Therefore he has an incredible amount of time available - because YOU are parenting his children full time for him - to get a second job, to retrain, to start a business. He is choosing not to do better for himself.

He is wallowing because he doesn't have a current shag. As soon as he gets yet another girlfriend, he'll be strutting around like a peacock again. He is not depressed by the state of his relationship with his children (which is of his choosing) or by the knowledge that he ruined his life with you, but by the fact that he doesn't currently have female attention.

Any help you offer him, either financially (by lending money or taking less CM) or practically will only be used by him to chase women. He already has the ability to improve his relationship with his children or to better his financial situation to support them more, and he chooses not to because they are not a priority for him. If you reduce his CM, you would literally be forcing your children to cover the costs of his dates.

You cannot fix him. You cannot solve his problems. Even when you were his wife and you lived with him and made the money and supported him as a spouse, it wasn't enough for him. He still wasn't happy. He still chose to bugger off and ditch his family. There's nothing you can do to help someone who won't help themselves.

Every time you feel sympathy for him, remember what he has done to your children and remind yourself that these are all choices that he has deliberately made.

no real joy in his life besides our DCs

this stood out to me. For me kids should be the main joy in our lives and then everything else follows on, career, where you live etc is bullshit in the end as you can live in a one bedroom flat paycheck to paycheck but if your kids are still on side that’s the main thing. Op the only thing he really doesn’t have that you have is contentment with life. He needs to learn how to be happy, the money and job don’t matter, it’s going to bed without crap going around your brsin

30 years after I kicked exdh out for having an affair whilst I was pregnant with a baby he suggested we try for I saw him last week, our DD whom I bought up as a single parent (he did have good input but a haphazard life) had her own baby and I am staying and helping, he popped in to see the new baby.

He’s a lot sad in my opinion, his life has been a roller coaster of him looking for something he had with me and he lost, we had a laugh, chatted and I have a connection still with him but I’ll never forgive him for what he did, I choose to forget, he messed up both our lives. I went onto to meet someone else who I lost last year but I’ll never ever let him be anything more than DD’s father (and neither will I be offering to care for him if he were to need it).

Thankyou for sharing this. Congratulations on your grandchild! Perhaps with the benefit of age and knowing how precious loved ones are… he’ll have a positive input into his grandchild’s life, we can hope?x

I think the way you’re feeling just shows that you’re a good person who has managed to let go of any bitterness. You’re in a good place emotionally, you have boundaries and want to ensure your kids have a good relationship with their father.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you’re feeling, OP.

@Fargo79 'He is wallowing because he doesn't have a current shag. As soon as he gets yet another girlfriend, he'll be strutting around like a peacock again.'

Word!

@thegoldensun think of him Asa friend - there is no reason you can’t be friends at all- it may be that with a bit of distance he’s an ok friend - just wasa shit partner at a point he needed to step up - if I split with my H I would vet possibly want to remain friends depending of course on the reason for split .

I am confused. You say you feel sorry for him, but then you say you feel "smug and gleeful" which is the polar opposite.

You don't feel sorry for him at all. So what's the actual question

PacificState I agree with your point re your children seeing their father happy and healthy. I think a key point here, though, is that OP’s EXH was abusive. Leaving someone suicidal with baby twins is absolutely abuse. I’m of the view that cheating is abuse, too. It’s different if you just drift apart or something, however I see OP’s ex as doing his level best to destroy her. Now that he’s fucked his own life up, he’s sniffing around and portraying himself as the victim. He’s the victim of his own destruction and OP will be dragged down by having any part in trying to support him. He’s not that sorry - still doing the bare minimum and being a Disney dad!

Having compassion for the father of your children only makes you a healthy, well-rounded human being. I think what @PermanentTemporary explains gives a new perspective on the relationship: you can care about him and be a positive influence in his life, without it meaning that you lose yourself. Life has its own ways.

@Flyswats that’s not what she said-read again

I would be careful. His break for single life has worked out crappily and he’s feeling regretful that he didn’t stay with you. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he regrets how he treated you, just wondering if he could have had a nicer day-to-day life had he stayed married to you.

But you know what he’s like. You had a lucky escape. Don’t go backwards.

I think you need to be clear on how much you are doing for this man already.

You have taken on most of the practical and financial burden of providing for your joint children. He has the privilege of being able to spend time when he chooses with two supported, happy and well-settled children who have everything that they need, and that is largely thanks to you. He should be falling over himself to express his gratitude to you for taking on his share of the responsibility for them when he was unwilling/unable to. You don't owe him anything else.

How many of us, if we abandoned our families, would be lucky enough to see our children come through this happy, loved and with their lives largely undisturbed?

That he doesn't have the guilt of wrecking his children's lives is because you were there to step up when he failed.

Absolutely no way should you prop him up financially. He only has the kids EOW as it is, he should be kissing your boots for what you are doing.

You don’t have to feel sorry for him OR feel gleeful.

He is in a better position than a lot of people, and if he wants a better job, friends etc he can pursue them like any other adult.

As you’ve acknowledged, you need to assert firm boundaries here. You’re divorced, and although you are in contact because of the children, you shouldn’t be his helper, therapist or confidante.

Please be very careful. My relative fell into the trap of feeling sorry for her husband after their divorce. She helped him, accepted help from him, and all the while complained to other people about how badly he treated her during their marriage. She never got free of him and never moved forward to a different life. It was very sad because she was never happy.

You must must must stop this. I have always brought my ex Father’s Day cards, birthday cards etc and he has never reciprocated. I’ve always taken the high road. When my ex said to me after about 3 gruelling years ‘do you ever regret what we have done to each other over the last 3 years, my happiest years were you and me and living in our forever house and do you ever think we could again? ‘ I actually laughed and walked away. What we did to each other? Me - some relationships are 50/50 break ups - ours was 95/05 and I was the one who worked full time and had two babies by c section and did everything the mental load etc he did nothing.

I think you would be wise to step back and tell him you need space, you don’t have a relationship, you aren’t friends but you don’t wish him any harm that you’ve moved on.

And absolutely DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. It’s horrifying that you’re even thinking that way. He’s a competent adult, not your child.

You can still love someone, care for someone, not wish someone ill, without actually liking them.

He treated you terribly, you sound like a lovely person and have forgiven him. You sound like you deserve everything you have.
He would have had it all if he had stayed with you and possibly might still be cheating if you hadn’t left him and he had this epiphany.
He could meet someone and be quite happy in a few years- or he may never be happy, but either way that’s life. It’s not your responsibility to support him anymore.

Have you moved on at all or not interested?

It is isn’t it!

especially as you’d think the op would want her limited money to go on her home, her future and and fact children with her 85% of the time.

years after divorce

only a couple of years ago op

and

He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else

this is someone shit to the bone