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Original poster

Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

168 replies

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 07:25

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:17

Scarily similar here.
I’ve never received a birthday card/Mother’s Day card from ex-DH on behalf of the children. My Mum kindly arranges this.

I too was recovering from a c-section, tending to two babies carrying the mental load and basically trying to keep life running… whilst his life remained largely unchanged and he carried on as normal. When the cheating came to light it was the cherry on the cake for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:19

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:15

years after divorce

only a couple of years ago op

and

He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else

this is someone shit to the bone

Yeah… I can see how me saying “years” sounds like it much more historical than it was.

Babies born in 2021, we separated and he left in 2022 and divorce finalised in 2023.

It feels like a huge amount of time emotionally as I’ve worked really hard to build a life for me and the kids… But yes, still recent I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:21

No I won’t give him money. It was a fleeting thought.
He moved 50 miles away (his choice) so there was a point in time he was grumbling about his fuel costs to see the children and said I could contribute, or drive them there to see him. He was absolutely shut down on that idea and it’s not been mentioned since.

OP posts:
Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:21

This is quickly turning in to a thread where you list all the ways your ex was and remains a complete twat

Goldbar · 17/07/2025 11:22

This is how some people manage to waltz through life taking very little responsibility for themselves.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:23

I totally agree! @Goldbar

OP posts:
Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:24

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:21

No I won’t give him money. It was a fleeting thought.
He moved 50 miles away (his choice) so there was a point in time he was grumbling about his fuel costs to see the children and said I could contribute, or drive them there to see him. He was absolutely shut down on that idea and it’s not been mentioned since.

So these very very young children face a 2 hour round journey to see their father because he moved away

there is SO much weird about all this op

the entire thread is you detailing with loads of examples how utterly awful he is

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 17/07/2025 11:27

PersephoneParlormaid · 17/07/2025 07:29

His situation is his own fault, and presumably he’ll leave nothing to the kids when he’s gone, you’ll have to do that as well. He’s a loser.

It isn't t a requirement In life to leave an inheritance to children millions don't own property to leave when they are gone. I think it's unfair to call anyone a loser on this particular basis

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:27

So before you divorce, a mere couple of years ago, he had career prospects and was earning well and financially secure and savvy? And had friends?

Goldbar · 17/07/2025 11:31

Some people moan and some people get on with it.

Why don't you have a moan at him about how you were left with two tiny children to support, how you have to not only work hard in your job to support the kids but also do all the running around after them and practically all the parenting? All because of shit choices he made. You might find it cathartic.

He has freedom to go wherever he wants and work as many hours as he wants to improve his situation.

You've got yourself where you are despite the two much-loved (!) little millstones hanging around your neck. Balancing parenting and working in a full-on job is not easy. It's why so many parents struggle economically when their kids are small. It's something he's never even attempted to do.

He has no right to moan at you.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:36

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:24

So these very very young children face a 2 hour round journey to see their father because he moved away

there is SO much weird about all this op

the entire thread is you detailing with loads of examples how utterly awful he is

Show quote history

Yeah, i hate them sitting in the car for such long journeys! Not quite as bad now they’re a little older but when they were babies, it was beyond difficult.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 17/07/2025 11:36

Another person who cannot see that actions have consequences.

Cheating lying and behaving badly means your life turns out shit - WHO KNEW?!

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:37

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:27

So before you divorce, a mere couple of years ago, he had career prospects and was earning well and financially secure and savvy? And had friends?

Edited

Im not sure if he has career prospects… but he has a skill / trade that meant if he would have put in the hard work, he could have made a success of himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:40

Yes to all of this!

He doesn’t comprehend the stress that preschool holidays, or having to dash to collect a sick child up from school, causes on me when I’m trying to keep everything together.

Ultimately this thread had made me realise that I might always care for him, and not wish him harm… but I’m still dealing with the consequences of his actions and I cannot afford to give my energy to sympathising him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:44

Sorry- meant to tag you in my last post @Goldbar

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/07/2025 11:46

He made his choices. They were probably bad choices as he's finding out but nonetheless he made them. You reacted in the only way any sane person could have. Now he's trying to suck you back in all over again. You need to spend less time thinking about him and focus on you and your DC. All you need to do is facilitate the relationship between your DC and their Dad. Nothing else. You don't need to give him your time or advice. Let him sort himself out then move on.

Goldbar · 17/07/2025 11:50

Honestly, if you have money to throw away, spend it on a babysitter for the kids and a nice lunch out for yourself somewhere expensive. Have a glass of champagne and toast yourself and all you've achieved, then pick up a treat for the kids on your way home.

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:52

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:40

Yes to all of this!

He doesn’t comprehend the stress that preschool holidays, or having to dash to collect a sick child up from school, causes on me when I’m trying to keep everything together.

Ultimately this thread had made me realise that I might always care for him, and not wish him harm… but I’m still dealing with the consequences of his actions and I cannot afford to give my energy to sympathising him anymore.

And also that you clearly think he is a complete and utter twat who continues to barely provide anything for his kids.

Truegum2 · 17/07/2025 11:53

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 11:37

Im not sure if he has career prospects… but he has a skill / trade that meant if he would have put in the hard work, he could have made a success of himself.

Show quote history

You only divorced 2 years ago
He is a decade older than you

If he was going to have made something of himself, it would have happened already

outerspacepotato · 17/07/2025 11:54

"he’s always been able to manipulate me (for want of a better word) into supporting him with things in his life."

"I had considered offering him some money or offering to reduce his CM amounts to help him out a little… but then I know with him the money would be squandered on dates, clothes and other crap rather than anything useful like a deposit for a house, or savings for our children."

"when we were together I would have coped with being the breadwinner in the long term so long as he was a good husband and father and created a safe space for me and the children, but he blew it all up. He’s in a load of debt now too which doesn’t help his situation either."

And now you're feeling sorry for him because he's a poor earner, a Disney Dad, has some health issues, is in debt, and has no current gf. With his recent call, it sounds like he's trying to suck you into exactly how you're feeling, sorry for him, and want to fix it.

That way lies codependency.

You're not responsible for him. He trashed your life and is now trying to play the victim so you will feel bad. He's doing not so great because he made bad life choices. His kids seeing that, well, sometimes people give us an example of what not to be in life.

Don't try to fix this for him.

SailingWonder · 17/07/2025 11:57

You talk like it's 20 years down the line. Life ebbs and flows, and to be a bit low and down on your luck just a couple of years after divorce doesn't make someone a failure.

ShallIstart · 17/07/2025 11:57

Well considering tou made something of your life, grew your career and worked on yourself whilst at the same time doing all the child raising.. then he had more time and headspace to grow his career, wealth, buy a property, start a business, find another partner etc but he chose not to.
Its all on him, he made all his choices and has only just now started to reflect on them.
If it were another man that you didn't personally know and toy read his story, what would you think. Basically a groen man has made bad choices, hurt people he loves, wallowed in his misery, didnt change and ten years on has some regrets about it all.

Original poster
thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 12:10

Thanks @ShallIstart- and to everyone else on this thread.

You have all echoed what my friends and family have said to me about him. However I know that they may be “biased” because they watched my life fall apart overnight so many harbour negative feelings towards him, so it has helped to gain some clarity through people who are impartial.

I think some of my initial posts weren’t clear. We were married for 10+ years, we seperated in 2022 and divorced the following year. I am late 30s and he is older than me.

And whilst he has made many unsuccessful attempts to meet someone new, it’s never ended well.

I haven’t worried too much about meeting anyone else, have focused on the kids and my spare time when he does have them I spend with friends or doing things I enjoy (after the laundry is done!)

I love the suggestion from @Goldbarabout a glass of champagne! I recently had a promotion at work and haven’t had the opportunity to celebrate, so this will be on the weekends agenda. Smile

OP posts:
ShallIstart · 17/07/2025 12:17

thegoldensun · 17/07/2025 12:10

Thanks @ShallIstart- and to everyone else on this thread.

You have all echoed what my friends and family have said to me about him. However I know that they may be “biased” because they watched my life fall apart overnight so many harbour negative feelings towards him, so it has helped to gain some clarity through people who are impartial.

I think some of my initial posts weren’t clear. We were married for 10+ years, we seperated in 2022 and divorced the following year. I am late 30s and he is older than me.

And whilst he has made many unsuccessful attempts to meet someone new, it’s never ended well.

I haven’t worried too much about meeting anyone else, have focused on the kids and my spare time when he does have them I spend with friends or doing things I enjoy (after the laundry is done!)

I love the suggestion from @Goldbarabout a glass of champagne! I recently had a promotion at work and haven’t had the opportunity to celebrate, so this will be on the weekends agenda. Smile

My husband is older then me and when the kids were babies (I was early 30s and he was early 40s) he was really being horrible, out all night, drinking loads and gambling. It came to a head and I said to him that I had had enough I was leaving unless he changed. And he will end up a sad old man you seeinh the pub after work propping up the bar, talking to the bar maid about the life he used to have wth his kids he hardly ever sees now and going home to his one bedroom council flat as he cant keep a job due to his drinking.

He did actually change after that conversation and stopped drinking.

But it is the reality, if you want to act like that then its pretty clear where your life will end up.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 17/07/2025 12:21

Why do you even care about him?. It’s all his own problem- he could have got a better job, bought a house, not cheated on you and been a better father. None of that is on you. I also used to do the same now realise my self esteem was still low, since getting my self esteem back I couldn’t care less about my ex