Years after divorce-feel sad for ex DH??

[thegoldensun]

Name changed because this is outing…

Just looking for some opinions on here.

Split with ex-DH a few years ago. He left when our youngest was a few months old, two children under the age of 2. He was cheating, lying and pretty awful to deal with in the early months of separation, prioritising dating over anything else. This came after what was seemingly a happy 10+ year marriage.

I chose to divorce him. Given he wasn’t seeing the children and chose to move far away, it was agreed I would take the majority of the equity from the house to buy a new one for me and DCs.

Over the years, the parenting has been largely left to me, all whilst juggling work myself.

Id say over the past year or so, things between us have improved in that we no longer argue. He is spending more time with our DCs.

At random intervals he will apologise for how he treated me at the end of our marriage, he fully acknowledges what he did and the harm he caused. He called me up a couple of weeks ago following a therapy session to say how much he understood what he had done and how he will always regret it. I said what I always say which is “All I need from you now is to step up and be a good father”, and to some extent he is trying his best to do this.

There is absolutely no way back for us, I could never look at him the same and I’ve grown so much as a person since our marriage. I have a beautiful home, have progressed in my career, have worked on my mind and body and am in a great place mentally and physically.

But then I look at him, he’s older than me with no prospect of career progression, renting a property he can barely afford, hardly any friends, living pay cheque to pay cheque and no real joy in his life besides our DCs…. And I can’t help but feel sad for him? We both know he threw his life away for an ego boost and because he couldn’t deal with the temporary challenges of sleepless nights with babies… He knows that if we were still together we would have it all. His family are pretty useless at supporting him in any way, and when I see him I just see how lost he is.

I know people say “you reap what you sow”, but I just can’t feel smug and gleeful over this, he was still a man I spent a huge amount of time with and loved wholeheartedly at one point.

Anyone else been through similar?

What is he like as a father?
what is the split in custody?
do you feel reassured and comfortable when the children trot off to stay with him when quite clearly he’s in pretty dire straits

I think it's a measure of what a very decent person you are, that you feel pity for him even though his situation is all of his own making. It's better for your children if their parents can get along well enough to communicate and parent effectively. Be careful not to find yourself drifting into the role of being his support system though - keep your boundaries at communicating about the children and being superficially friendly and co-operative. His problems are not your problem.

Very good way of putting it… and something I hadn’t really considered. He sees the kids every other weekend so everything else is left to me in terms of their welfare/education etc… After a rough day at work he can go home and relax. Whereas I juggle work, keeping the home and the kids… They are growing into lovely children and I need to give myself credit for this and how this has benefitted his life too.

@Truegum2
As a father he’s very much fun time Dad, but I have no concerns over his parenting. We have quite different parenting styles as I’m more structured than he is, but I have no issues over how he treats the children.

He has them for 2 nights every other weekend and sometimes 1 day or night on the other week.

Did he cheat on you in the marriage? You said he left when the children were young and he cheated and lied in the early stages of the separation. But what caused the separation/him leaving?

Is this the new, 'are you on glue?'.

So you moved on with your life and developed yourself. Made a nice home for you and dc whilst working and solo parenting.
Ex, whilst living the single life, made different choices and isn’t in such a good position.
If you had stayed together then you likely wouldn’t have developed in the same way and neither of you would be in a great place.
You owe him nothing.

I always chuckle when you see a “are you ok?”

yep, I’m good. My ex is sorted, financially capable, provides well for our children, not a cheat and not navel gazing about how shit his life is living hand to mouth. And if he was any of these things, and had cheated on me and behaved quite abysmally to me and my children a mere couple of years ago…. Nah, I wouldn’t be spending my time feeling sorry for him!

each to their own and all that

Yes he cheated during the marriage. I found out after DCs were born but it had been going on for a while (not with one person but a number of different women he’d met online). A lot of what he did came to light after he left because I drove myself crazy trying to find out the truth. There was lots of other lies and horrible events that took place in the aftermath, but that’s the crux of it.

I’m guessing he provides fuck all for his children beyond the bare minimum?

And given your children are very young… all this must be very recent

Well I think you are absolutely showing your maturity and the self-work you’ve done. He’s… many things… but the father of your children is still one of them. All the things he did at the end won’t ever take away those years shared and the children you’ve created.
You truly sound to me like you are over the relationship. You see a lot of stuff on here baying for the cheating ex’s blood, bitter women spending 10+ years with their lives on hold waiting for that “karma” everyone talks about to get them.
But the truth is the ones who have the big hearts and the self-love to focus on improving their own situation for themselves (not as a way to “show the ex what they are missing”), and the selflessness to work through the issues with the ex to build a positive co-parenting relationship for the sake of the children, end up being the ones who don’t hate and wish untold suffering on the ex. It’s fine to feel pity or sorry for his situation without feeling a responsibility to fix it. He is dealing with the consequences of his actions and you have to let him do that, the same way you are dealing with the consequences of your own actions (choosing to take the high ground and work for yourself instead of falling into the bitterness trap).
Women like you have just… moved past the situation and aren’t hanging on to the negativity. And to give your ex (a tiny amount of) credit, he has (finally!) stepped up in terms of parenting, and counselling sounds like it’s a good thing for him. HOWEVER, don’t 100% trust his motivations just yet, maybe he still has hope of winning you around again, or stirring feelings of pity in you might make you ask for less from him in terms of CMS etc. It sounds like you wouldn’t let that happen but keep the focus on the children for now, not you as individuals. You also need to wait until a new woman appears on the scene. Will it be a good woman you can respect who encourages his relationship with his children, or will he turn into a mindless hormonal teenager again cancelling plans with his children to chase the new woman? Only time can tell that one.
For all of your sakes I hope it’s the former and then that’s only even more stability and love for the children to see.

I think it’s a normal reaction to feel sympathy for someone who looks like they’ve realised they’ve thrown their happy life under a bus.

I used to feel a little sympathy for my ex but he kept going with the self destruction, there’s none now.

"He knows that if we were still together we would have it all"....because he would have taken it from you. He'd have what you built, what you provided. He's proven that he can't thrive on his own. He'd have been a man-child for you to look after. He'd have it all but you'd be an empty shell compared to your current self. He wan't your safe space. You were his.

He pays a little more than the bare minimum financially purely because as part of the divorce (when I was in my angry stage) I got the amount agreed as part of the financial order so it’s court-enforceable if he fails to pay, I wouldn’t have trusted him at the time to go through CMS.

Its not a huge amount and barely touches the sides once bills/childcare/clothes/food are taken into account, but more than I’d have got through CMS.

There is no evidence here at all that he’d “have it all”

it’s barely been 3 years since he divorced
he lives hand to mouth with no career prospects. Always been bad with money.

hed only “have it all” if he was… a completely
different person

I don’t doubt this… the long term plan when we were together was for me to focus on my career and earn enough so that he could be at home more for the children… He certainly was used to me taking care of him in his life.

He pays the bare min because he earns the bare minimum with no career prospects despite being a decade older than you

Thankyou @Nodlikeyouwerelistening- this really resonates with me x

Hopefully he will be a lesson to anyone he knows. Cheating is a choice & he screwed up a good thing.

Yep @Truegum2you're right, and to be honest when we were together I would have coped with being the breadwinner in the long term so long as he was a good husband and father and created a safe space for me and the children, but he blew it all up. He’s in a load of debt now too which doesn’t help his situation either.

I have had something like this with my ex over the years. I don’t do it because it’s fun; it isn’t (it’s mostly quite exhausting). I do it because I think it’s been really positive for my kids. I think it would have been profoundly damaging for them to see their dad struggle, to realise that he was lonely or had poor health and no support network. I think it would have made them feel unsafe. It might be cathartic to watch your ex flounder, but to watch your father flounder is traumatic, especially for a small child who doesn’t have the power to do anything about it.

If there was any abuse in a relationship that’s a whole different ball game - I would never expect a mother (or father) to support an ex who has been abusive. But if it’s just a common or garden relationship fuck-up, I think adults should suck it up tbh. A bit of awkwardness and annoyance is a small price to pay for a second chance at a happy life.

I would be in the same position as you if my ex hadn't met anyone else. Thank god he did, although he still hints at us being together again even though he is about to get married

I could understand more why you’re spending time feeling sorry for him if this was in the distant past

but you divorced him barely 3 years ago and since then you’ve found out even more heinous stuff.

i think you’d be better focussed completely compartmentalising the shitty existence be has, which was always going to be the case - it’s just that now he’s on his own rather than subjecting you and the kids to it

I divorced my first husband 25 years ago. Yes, most of it was down to him, and I’m glad I divorced him, but I’m still fond of him, because he was a huge part of my life for decades - and he’s the father of my children.

There will never be a way back to the past relationship, as that ship has long sailed, but you don’t usually just lose all feelings. 🤷‍♀️