Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

You’re reading it as me implying it, but I’m not because I don’t have that opinion. I do think prejudices can drive behaviour and decision of agency yes. I’ve simply said unthread that it’s interesting to think about why that is, not declaring it to be the case. I’m a straight woman with a straight husband, so I’ve got so dog in the race of bisexuality.

I believe you’re reading into language a bit too much there. Most people I know think of and describe sexuality as a self identification. I didn’t say we ‘chose to identify’ I simply said ‘he identifies as straight’ because he does. I have always been straight, so has he.

Your “identifies as “ is for a choice or a state that can change. I’ve never come across straight people describing “sexuality as a self identification” as you explain. People are straight or are gay or bi - in fact the people I know don’t go on about their sexuality at all.

So if you are both straight you have no experience of being with a bisexual partner. Unless, you've had one in the past. I don't care though because I like what I like and that is it.

Calling wonen biphobic because they like what they like is just weird and bullying. Just get over it.

@ButterCrackers of course sexuality is a state that can change - why wouldn't it be?

And the fact that heterosexual people are less likely to "identify" as such is because it's seen as neutral, normal, and immutable - because we live in a heteronormative world. But that doesn't mean it's good thing, or that it isn't worth interrogating further.

Are you a trans woman? If not then why are you so invested in knowing why a straight woman doesn’t want a bi man, what is making you want to pick it apart like a dog with a bone? Why is ‘not my cup of tea thanks’ enough?

I don’t ‘identify’ as straight, I just am.

OK. I’ve definitely heard ‘identify as’ used for sexuality quite a bit. I guess we’ve just heard different things in life. I don’t know anyone who ‘goes on’ about their sexuality either. The language doesn’t change the answer: that I’ve always been straight and so has he.

There are many posts on MN from women who have become bisexual or lesbian later in life, after having considered themselves straight, always in a heterosexual relationship etc. Knowing experiences such as that exist, then I suppose I would consider sexuality as a state that has the potential to change, yes.

I also suppose I consider sexuality as a self identification because it’s something that can only be described and known by the individual.

Exactly - I’m asking that other poster what they were before they identified as straight.

I haven’t called anyone biphobic here at all and I’ve never said anyone can’t like what they like. Having a discussion isn’t always to persuade, it’s just interesting to discuss when opinion on certain aspects conflict.

No, to my knowledge I’ve not been with a bisexual partner.

It would have an emotional impact on your life. What do you mean by it having no impact?

Right. Ok. You don’t come across as a straight woman because of your put up and shut up attitude towards straight women finding themselves with a husband who has decided to be bisexual. Just my opinion.

Are you just one of those contrary people who like to always take the opposing side for the fun of it?

No, I am a woman. I’m ‘invested’ because it’s an interesting discussion and have only replied to people who have replied to me and replied to one or two other people who have brought up points I find of interest. If people respond to me, I can respond to them – it’s just a back and forth.

I didn’t say you have to ‘identify’. I simply told you why I used the word ‘identify’ since you picked up on it. It’s a fairly inconsequential word, I think.

Identify is not an inconsequential word in modern day context.

So by ‘tangible’ I guess I mean something like when people say ‘I wouldn’t marry someone in the army / someone grossly overweight either’ (those are just examples), to describe it as something to find attractive or not. With those examples I would consider them to have a tangible impact because being in the army would mean someone is away from home for long stretches of time and/or frequently in life-threatening situations. Or if someone was grossly overweight they likely have health complications/can’t function day to day optimally – or (be it shallow or not!) having to look at them daily and simply not finding it attractive!

I just use those examples when I describe ‘tangible’ as they have daily, felt impacts, but being bisexual but not acting on it seems, to me at least, as being just in one’s mind.

@ButterCrackers but that's the whole point - they probably didn't identify as anything, because we assume straightness of someone unless they explicitly state otherwise.

You are just boring me now.

Are you so bored with your straight relationship that you have to argue on the internet about this subject?

I can understand the question since I’m in the minority on his thread and not bi myself (I assume there’s also been answers from bi women on here). I haven’t spoken to anyone on here who actually has had their DH suddenly announce they are bisexual. And my first response on here (to the OP) was that I find the sudden ‘mass’ announcement quite concerning.

I just use those examples when I describe ‘tangible’ as they have daily, felt impacts, but being bisexual but not acting on it seems, to me at least, as being just in one’s mind.

That is what I said. If you are not going to act on it, it is just a fantasy. However I would imagine if your husband came up with this new found identity you would be concerned that he would wish to act on it or why express it if it’s not something you can actually do given you’re in a monogamous relationship with a hetero woman who you have made a commitment to. I would be concerned that I had married a fool.

And so what if this is your thinking? Who says it has to be your perception of ‘tangible’ to make sense. Emotional impact is a perfectly feasible impact.

You are either secretly bisexual or you are defending some loved ones who are. We just don't care but are just expressing that we wouldn't want a bisexual DH.

Well I do enjoy a debate, yes! But the opinion on what bisexuality does or doesn’t mean here have been my own, not just to be contrary.

My DH would VERY MUCH agree with the majority here about being with a bisexual person, or a woman discovering she’s with a bisexual man. We’ve had some very interesting debates about it and I’ve challenged him too (and he me). I suppose it gets less contentious as we are opposite sex so it doesn’t feel ‘insulting’ to disagree.

He did say once that he believes bisexual people would be more likely to cheat, which I really, really disagreed with him on.

It is when I use it here for describing myself/my husband. It’s just a word I used to answer your question.

No not at all. Very satisfied with my relationship. I just find it very interesting. I’m not here for you to find boring or not boring.

I like a debate but unless the ‘challenging’ is just a tool for a debate (like when debate competitors are given a side to take) then I would not entertain someone challenging me why I don’t want a bi man. There’s nothing to challenge, I have never wanted to be with a man that I know sexually desires other men. No more to it than that.