Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I’ve not really come back to this thread due to the way it’s gone;I’ve posted as I was (and still am) in desperate need of support and people have been horrible.

OP, please please ignore everyone accusing you of hate anad phobia and all that. They're generally posters with a very clear agenda for being here and whose posting history shows a consistent attempt to erode women's boundaries and consent by accusing them of hatred and bigotry when they say no to men and refuse to be gaslit. Quite frankly, their attack on you is very good evidence that you're right to be upset. If they wouldn't be, well fucking bully for them, they won't need to seek support if it happens in their lives. You do, most people would, and you're not doing anything morally wrong.

@Uberella I'm sorry your thread got well and truly highjacked, some posters have been sympathetic and I hope that helped a bit. Far too many threads get taken over by people wanting to air their views on an issue rather than helping. Good luck Op and take care

Well you would if one said I want to fuck men

OP you have every right to be upset at your DH. Ignore those who say it doesn’t matter, it’s your life and it very much does matter.

I'm so sorry, OP. There are too many people on this thread who have chosen to ignore that you're a real person with feelings, looking for advice on something that's causing you distress, in favour of standing on their soapbox and pontificating. Your feelings are absolutely valid, whatever anyone here might say.

I hope you're doing OK, and have support from friends and family xx

I’ve really been thinking about you, @Uberella, and so sorry some posters can’t think about the human beings involved here. I hope you have seen some of the responses that are supportive of what an enormous and profound shock this must be.

The ones here with an agenda are very obvious and honestly just ignore them, they hold no weight here. Your feelings are a hundred percent valid and I would feel exactly how you do. Who cares if they bandy around words in the hope of guilt tripping, I couldn’t care less about their name calling and neither should you.

It’s not to do with looks, it’s to do with what’s inside your head and your heart. Do you think people only divorce if their spouse looks different?

I honestly don’t know what point you are trying to make about physical looks?

Don't even buy into that shit. There are always a few. Ignore them.

At the end of the day, you married DH as a straight man and he's switched the script. That's 100% his choice, but it's also your choice to decide if you can live with that or not.

You do not have to stay in the relationship to appease the opinions of others. It's your life and your business.

I think you need to talk to him about what this is going to mean, because if he's determined he's not looking to act on it and nothing is going to change then I don't understand why he's put a bomb under your marriage like this.

Are we literally being told that not wanting to be with men who find other men attractive is wrong?!

Because FUCK THAT!!

Yes, we are. It's so wrong and I'm just glad most posters are supporting the OP. The drivel that's come from these other posters is pathetic.

Quite!

I just don't get the reasoning at all.

Nobody should be pressured into being with someone when they don't want to be with.

It’s ridiculous isn’t it. They seem to think they hold the moral high ground by being fluid and open about all these things that fucking matter a lot to other people. All of a sudden personal preferences have become a sin. How anybody can even attempt to make you feel shit for choosing who you shag is beyond me.

It's the way they switch on you for the slightest thing that gets me.

I have a lot of gay friends, a couple bi too. I would stand by them for their right to love who they love in a heart beat, and have on many occasions, but the moment I say I don't find something attractive and I'm an enemy to the community?

Just fucking ridiculous.

Ignore the idiots and strange posters.

Anyone and everyone has the right to set their own sexual boundaries and freely choose their sexual and romantic partners exactly as they please - 100%.

But why can't we acknowledge this, and also be allowed to talk about / unpack how people's preferences/ attractions are influenced by social and cultural factors, including forms of prejudice? Why must all discussion of this be silenced?

Perhaps start a new thread to discuss it as a subject in its own right? I agree that it's interesting as a theoretical discussion. But on a thread started by someone directly and currently affected by an emotional bomb going off in her life it feels like a question on her that she really doesn't need to answer right now.

Fair enough.

It was my view that OP came here looking for perspective and advice and that some of the stuff being promoted here wasn't very helpful. On the other hand some understanding of how her feelings are likely to be mixed up with negative ideas about bi men (e.g. that they are promiscuous, liable to cheat etc., not manly, etc.) could be helpful in relieving some distress. However, the conversation turned toxic and to arguments so that is clearly not helpful at all.

I knew we'd get some silly, self-absorbed whining about 'OMG I am being SILENCED!!!!' from some of the people who've written countless dozens of posts on this thread, none of which have been deleted as far as I can see.

The OP asked for a handhold because she's been absolutely knocked sideways her husband. If people want to discuss biphobic prejudices or whatever, they're perfectly free to start their own threads about the matter rather than ruining this one and causing the OP considerable hurt and distress.

I suspect the OP is still in too great a shock to deal with any sort of think piece to be honest. It's new and raw and she is going through a huge amount of emotion. After some time to absorb things, ask more questions of her husband, and just work through some initial feelings, maybe that's a time to be a bit more intellectual about it if that something that would help.

perfectly free to start their own threads about the matter rather than ruining this one and causing the OP considerable hurt and distress.

I don't accept that offering that perspective to the OP was "ruining" OP's thread. It's relevant and important to the very situation she is in. The people who got angry and started arguing were those who wanted to shut down any discussion of that perspective.

Right, right. Because your posts jeering at another poster for her feelings about anal sex were totally on topic and meant to help the OP navigate her distress about her H's announcement. Of course they were. Of course.

That's a completely unfair characterisation about what went down. But regardless I'm not sure why you are bringing that up again if you are so concerned about not derailing OP's thread?