Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

he also cornered me in our Tiny downstairs toilet and screamed into my ears at full volume for about five minutes

While you were making up today, did you discuss what you will do to address what happened?

Have you discussed counselling, stopping the drink, exploring how you can access more support for your parent, reduce working hours, temporary separation etc?

or did you just agree it was horrid and not to do it again?

But this morning you kissed and cuddled? Good luck with that.

I'm out.

You should seek help with the alcohol and violence. Worth bearing in mind that if you had hit anyone else in the world, in public, you would likely have been arrested for assault. And rightly so. There is no reason your DH should be subjected to violence because he happens to be married to you.

I don't really drink except for a baileys coffee at christmas, though DH is partial to a couple when out.

We've had a lot of stress recently (multiple bereavements - one actually the day before the funeral of another close relative) and I imbibed more than I'd drank in the last ten years combined at a wake the other week.

I don't actually remember what happened (yes, absolutely mortifying for an adult woman, I know) but apparently I cried when DH said I couldn't get another puppy and then got someone to put BTS on so I could show off my Just Dance moves.

In a roundabout way I'm saying I understand how stress and pressure can make us do stupid things like getting drunk, but also that in itself alcohol doesn't excuse violence. Something must be wrong deep down, and you might need professional help to figure out what it is, as I think brushing it off as just a drunken mistake is, well, a mistake.

I think the fastest way to fix this is to cut out the alcohol immediately.

Completely agree.

Flip this round and see if anyone would be so compassionate to a man who’d hit his wife in the face. No amount of stress, provocation, alcohol or anything else would ever result in a comment like that.

“Women’s Aid, police now, LTB, change the locks, read (insert book title) now” would be 100% of the replies.

Google 'saviour syndrome'. You are a classic case. You do not have to save all these people. You need to set boundaries.

Obviously you are both giving up alcohol from this point????

Working hard, caring for family etc are so stressful but….. both of you behaved unacceptably.
I’m not sure retirement is going to be everything that you think it’s going to be for either of you.

me too.

Total double standards.

not sure what on earth you wanted from posting - oh apart from support for it being ok to hit your Dh in the face.

you sounds as bad as each other. why are you together if you clearly dislike each other so much and have no respect for each other

Instead of understanding, sympathy or constructive advice, most of what I see on this thread is supposition, projection, making stuff up, judgement and guesswork.

If you and your husband want to keep going in your life together, maybe sit down and talk about how to avoid such situations. I’m guessing your husband is some kind of doctor - can he speak to HR about his current stresses? And I know what you mean over worrying for elderly parents. Until you’ve felt it, experienced it, no one can know just how hard it is. Please do what you can to reduce even just a little of the stress you’re under.

You need to change your lives. I don’t mean that flippantly.

You have one life and you’re both wasting it in miserable, stressful jobs that drive you to the point of attacking each other. Why?

I don't think that you are being honest on this thread, Op. Drip feeding, excuses, insistence that this is an otherwise fantastic relationship.

This sounds like classic domestic abuse territory. He is verbally aggressive and demeaning, provokes you into hitting him, then has the excuse to be violent towards you. You are left feeling equally to blame and guilty. He continues to ramp up the violence and abuse. You never seek help as you blame yourself. Could escalate as far as your death.

Anyone else finding that the more the OP posts, the clearer it becomes that her relationship is nothing close to great or wonderful? It’s blatantly obvious. None of it is normal.

Oh my actual god.

You need to cut out the booze!

It's the booze.

I'm not going to finger point. You're both obviously beating yourself up over this. Five times over the course of a long relationships is five times too many though. Having said that, we all appreciate reaching for the wine is cathartic in stressful times, then lines are crossed. It's clear the alcohol doesn't agree with you, and given there seems.to be no specific trigger for the argument other than stress outside of the relationship, perhaps agree in future, when you both want some time to de stress, you go for a walk together or watch a movie, cook something nice. Eliminate the alcohol and you eliminate the problem here. I'd also look at speaking to social services at what more can be done to help you eleviate the stress with your elderly father. I'm going through the same, although our relationship is good, but the demands never stop!

I had a horrible (very drunken) argument with my husband over ten years (yes pre children before anyone starts)
I properly went for him, he wrestled me to the ground. It wasn’t pretty and obviously we were both mortified the next day. Nothing like it has ever happened since. we’ve never been pissed like it since then and we learned our lesson.

However from what you’ve said it would appear it’s not quite as simple as that and there’s more anger going on than you want to face up to

Ok your latest update suggests instead of a one off horror show, your dh is abusive.. are you sure you want to stay in this situation? Because I'm sure you know this can't continue. What does he say today? Drink has to be done with as a first.

I have 2 living next door. One who shits himself for fun and to be touched, the other with Alzheimer’s and cancer. DH and I work more than full time in stressful jobs and we have never hit each other, far less left blood on the walls.

There are no excuses here. You both need to seriously look at what you can actually change before this kind of thing becomes normal for you.

This should be a massive wake up call. You are both at breaking point. Major life changes are needed.

The first thing that needs to happen is that you both stop drinking.
The next thing is to make changes in your jobs - you cannot work 7 days a week. No one can. Your dh needs to look at his options too.
You say you have plenty of money - out source some of your abusive Dads care. If he doesn't like it that's his problem. You have no more to give. The tank is empty.

No sorry he’s not a doctor. He’s a Police Controller, he decides who attends what and is very senior. He’s seen a lot of awful things (before this role) and has flash backs, things like cot deaths and murdered kids.

You both need to stop drinking