Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Why on earth are you both working such long hours if you have pots of money? To the point where you are physically attacking each other out of stress? Time to think radically about your lives because living in misery in the final years of work, is no way to set up for a happy healthy retirement.

I’m so sorry this happened. I agree with stopping drinking. I also think that if this has never happened before in all the years you’ve been together and raised (now fully grown) children then you need to look at what’s caused it to happen now. Maybe as you said you’re just both exhausted and stressed, but perhaps some counselling would be an idea?

This in spades. Seriously it is ok to stop, step back, change direction....
Life is about being happy not rolling rich

An abusive father you say? Definitely counseling then and also step right back from him and get the carers in - he doesn’t get to have been an abusive father and now rely on you.

You both need to stop drinking, OP. There's nothing else for it. You two behaved like thugs last night and as you say the police could easily have got involved. You've both gone far too far.

You need to work out a way to take care of your mum (if that's what you want to do) while not going anywhere near your dad. Is your dad at home all the time?

Your husband needs to reduce his hours at the very least. He can't handle that level of stress - few people could - and it's too much for him.

Have you ever hit anyone before? How much is too much to drink? How often are both of you drinking? It sounds like a huge amount if this was the outcome. Also what were you arguing about? Is the issue resolved? Will it come up again?

It's clear you both are under a lot of pressure but self medicating with alcohol is a recipe for disaster. I would recommend you both take a long hard look at your relationship with alcohol and consider ways to stop or reduce your intake. Think of how you can spend quality time together without booze.

He already has carers in but there always seems to be something I need to do for him. Yesterday alongside my day job, I spent about 4 hours doing stuff for him. Unless you’ve had an elderly and frail parent it’s hard to comprehend the stress.

Hard to believe that a great relationship had one argument and ended in you both assaulting each other. Weird level of escalation, regardless of whatever’s going on in the background.

Pack the drinking in, both of you. Your relationship will never be the same now.

You both have stressors in your life, no one should be working 7 days a week, that's just ridiculous, you are also looking after an elderly parent. Why do you need to set your alarm if you're wfh, his job is stressful but so is everyone's who work in the emergency services. You say his work involves life or death situations which he is trained to do but there is professional support avaliable . It must have been pretty bad if there was blood . If you've got plenty of money you could reduce your working hours, don't waste it on alcohol, kissing and cuddling doesn't alter the fact you had this argument, you need to both sit down and look at ways to reduce the stress but don't just blame it on getting drunk, there's obviously underlying issues between you. Do either of you resent the others working pattern, do you resent being a carer.

Ugh.
Alcohol never makes any relationship "great".
In your fifties? Wow. 😕

Blimey it sounds like the Wild West in your house!

I agree.
on the surface it seems like you have the perfect life.
But.
working 7 days a week

dh high pressures , life or death type job,
throw in an aged/ ill/ difficult parent - and I was getting stressed just reading this.
It’s no wonder you blew up.
Your life/lives sound like a powered keg ready to blow.
You need to find ‘healthy’ ways to release the stress.
Possibly looked at one day off a week.
Healthy diet / exercise / good sleep hygiene/ limit caffeine and alcohol - and I don’t mean cutting it out altogether.
Try and get help with your patent - depending issues- meals on wheels / carers once a day.

He has 2 years until he can draw his work place pension. He doesn’t want to have zero coming in.

Well what on earth kind of response are you hoping for?

Cut your dad off, cut your hours, and tell your husband to retire.

What are you looking for from this thread, OP?

If you are genuinely past what happened last night and so sure of how strong your and your DH's relationship is, why even bother posting?

OP I’m assuming you’re very aware laying hands on each other is never ok.

It sounds like there’s unresolved issues that are not being addressed - probably because life is so full on for you both right now - and it’s all come out in a very unhealthy way. I’ve not been in as extreme a situation as you describe, but I’ve certainly had times where I’ve been in survival mode and the pressure to keep all the plates spinning meant issues went undiscussed and resentments built up.

Then just stop helping him, he was abusive, he has carer's, get that increased, say no. Whatever it is you feel you need to do for him can be done by other people. If you carry on and your dad gets more dependent it'll eat into you and affect your retirement which us supposed to be a happy time. What's vile about your husbands job that he wasn't expecting, what job is it.

I feel you … how strong are your boundaries?

Stop drinking

People do cut their abusive parents off and refuse to provide any sort of care or support, even when they are old and ill. If your father has always been abusive, including when you were a child, you don't owe him anything.

The stress is obviously ruining your marriage so you should put yourself and your DH first, not your dad who has carers so won't be left without anyone to help him.

Both of you have to stay off the turps, or cut down massively. Booze isn’t the answer to anything.

I understand that stress 🙃

This thread needs filtering. Just skim the venom and extreme responses. I believe you about your perception of your relationship. Someone earlier said that this hasn't arisen from nothing. Something was simmering.

If you want to build a better relationship you need to unpick this. Counselling is fantastic

Stop drinking ffs

What on earth were you arguing about?

DH and I have had a few nuclear rows in our time but I have always thought once it crosses into physical violence from either of us there is no going back tbh.

Do you (both) drink so much on a regular basis?