Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Between the stress and excessive alcohol, I’d be concerned you both won’t make it to retirement.

This, op physically assaulted him too.
You say you work 7 days @Underoressure how many hours a day and doing what? 8 hours a day x7 days dog walking/cleaning is different from 2 hours a day x7 days as a party planner...

They would but, as far as we can tell, he didn't.

Was alcohol involved in the other incidents?

That's because you were both pissed. If you'd been sober there wouldn't have been an argument.

Your actions are forgivable in the circumstances OP.

It does highlight that something has to 'give' for both of you.

Some regular 'off' time is vital - people that need you will have to wait - it's not selfish to put yourself first - it's a necessity.

Be as kind & supportive of yourself as you are for the others in your life. 💐

I think you both need to step away from alcohol.

I get it.
You need to formulate a plan to cut down on the stress
Please ignore the ‘don’t drink ‘ posts - you don’t come across as a problem drinker. The drink is a red herring
The stress is the real problem
Also please ignore the posts saying ‘as you have pots of money ‘ etc etc. retire/give up work,,,
With only 2 years to retirement you do need to put as much away as you can -,though giving yourself a full day off, every week, is something I strongly think you should do.
Agree about dropping the rope ( mostly) with your Dad.

And finally (as a previous needy sibling myself ) I would suggest dropping the rope with them too.

My sibling did ..,, I’m still here 3 years on.,,,

Thanks for this. I’m sorry you’re arguing too. 😭

If this has happened before then you have to stop putting your heads in the sand. You have a problem you need to seek help with. Physically abusing each other is not normal.
Neither is beating yourself up over an abusive parent who (if you are as financially well off as you say), could be easily dealt with by throwing some more money at the situation is pointless and also adding to relationship issues.

This sort of argument has happened five times before OP, what is the common denominator of those times in your relationship?

It sounds like you’re in a perfect storm of stress at the moment which led to this but if it’s happened multiple times (five is a lot of times even in a long relationship) then there are underlying issues either between you as a couple or individually. Or both.

If this has happened that many times previously then presumably some of them were while your offspring were children not adults. If that wasn’t enough for you to have stopped drinking after the second, third or fourth time then it might be an indicator that you need some external support to stop drinking perhaps?

One time would scare me so much that I would accept I couldn’t drink any more as it wasn’t safe for me to do so. Or at least if it had been happening at times of great stress, it should have been enough for you both to agree not to drink when in stressful periods after the second / third / fourth time.

Or were some of the big arguments while sober?

Your actions are forgivable in the circumstances OP.

Fucking hell. No they are not. She hit her husband in her face. That is assault and a crime and completely unacceptable in any circumstances. This place is astonishing today.

Anyone defending her is presumably also violent.

I think you both need to step back from drinking if this is what it leads to. It sounds very frightening OP. There is no excuse for or place for violence in any marriage, no matter what started it.

Who are you to tell her to ignore previous advice? Believe me, alcohol is likely to be a massive part of the problem.

So next time a poster comes on saying her dp has been pissed and smacked her in the face, you'll clearly be telling her his actions are forgivable as poor lamb is clearly stressed? And he should be kind and supportive to himself? @IVbumble ? 🤨

I think you should both stop drinking and if your dad is abusive I’d stop doing so much for him too., probably go very low contact.

Really?

Classic mumsnet isn’t it. Did you not know that all MN commenters have the most perfect lives and have never made a mistake, ever?

Sorry that happened, OP. Maybe counselling would help if you are both stressed to the point of violence.

Absolutely @AnneLovesGilbert I generally love MN for the support and info I've had for the last decade, but this shitty insistence that a female is the external victim, even when being a violent, abusive person really astounds me!

Interested to understand why the OP and DH don’t come across as problem drinkers to you? They’ve assaulted each other 5 times over the course of their relationship, she’s not acknowledged any posts advising they quit or asking further questions about their relationship with alcohol.

More worryingly, her DH got drunk enough to assault her and not remember half of last night and then went to work in a life or death situation today! Imagine if that was a family members surgeon he was operating on, I think that’s a sign of a lot more than a ‘problem drinker’ personally.

I love how hitting your spouse in the face is a 'mistake' when a woman does it, but otherwise, you should throw him out and change the locks.

The place is unreal sometimes.

This.

It definitely is, and mine was a dream of a father and 'patient' but burnout was coming..

Your stress levels can't continue so take this as a massive neon sign letting you know you both need to come up with a plan now. Maybe allow yourselves a pie in the sky list even if not realistic and go back through it and see what changes could be made.

We only ever argue like this if we are drunk. We do drink too much. I think it’s as a stress reliever. Yes i hit him in the face. I wish i could remember what he said to me. He has form for saying unforgivable things sometimes. For example, in an argument one time, he told me that I was the type of woman to accuse somebody of rape when they haven’t been raped. I am 100% sure that whatever he said to me would have been horrific. And that is what elicited my response. It is still wrong of course. When he barged me to the ground the initial altercation was over. He got up off the sofa and threw me to the ground before going to the bathroom.