Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Thank you for this lovely post. It is so hard. But we have so much to look forward to in a couple of years. I forgot to mention on that I also have a sibling who has issues, who I have to emotionally support on a daily basis . I have to get up every morning at the crack of dawn for my job, and often wake to several messages from them. So from the minute I open my eyes I’m “ON”.

Why are you working 7 days a week and he is in a high preassure job when you have loads of money? Working yourselves to the ground to the point of being so stressed you physically assault each other just to add more money to the loads of money you both have.
Seen as you both have adult children and say the relationship has otherwise been great I wouldn't say you need to end the relationship now but you both need to stop working so much and stop drinking. Don't let greed destroy you.

You couldn't call the police because, as you say, you would have both been arrested. Perhaps you should both take a visit to AA. Or have counselling. either/both would help alleviate the stress.

How much did you drink and why so much?!

me and dh have argued weve never assualted each other out of the blue

don't believe this. you don't to a great relationship to hitting each other.

I also think it's disgraceful you hit him first-he then pushed you and YOU threatened to call the police. No doubt you would say he assaulted you - forgetting that you hit him first.

it's a disgrace to women who are assaulted by men and scared to call the police

It sounds like last night has made you both wake up to just how stressful things are in your home. I imagine you keep going over last night. Can you remember it all, or has the alcohol numbed the memory too?

Can I suggest that you reflect on your alcohol consumption? Are you using it to self medicate?

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/drinking-check#/overview

If you're not used to drinking that much, you don't know that you become an aggressive drunk. I've seen these things spiral unexpectedly and it sounds like yours did.

You have an awful lot going on in life. You need to take a step back and reflect. I'd advise seeing a counsellor to help you navigate your way through this really tough time.

All the best.

Would your DH be willing to go to counselling and stop drinking?
The problem is, now this has happened once, it’s much more likely to happen again next time you’re drunk/stressed.

Sorry, I thought you were talking about caring for your mum but your dad was getting in the way.

In the end you have to drop the rope with him, OP. It's crazy - you can't possibly spend 4 hours doing stuff for him. You are working 7 days a week and this fight has shown that you are at the end of your sanity.

How long is it until your husband retires?

How old is your dad? It sounds as though he would hate to go into a home - does he have the funds to do so anyway?

Honestly, I don't know how you can move forward when there's violence involved. At a minimum, no alcohol at all, reduction in working hours for both of you and counseling. Maybe some time apart as well.
We all have life stressors that's no excuse for violence.

@Underoressure Horrible arguments happen. You're both horrified. You're both also under significant (some would say huge) pressure. I would say this argument is a wake-up call, telling you that the pressure you're under in your professional and personal lives is too much. I believe we vastly underestimate how job pressures affect health, mental and physical. As long as the backhanders and shoving are not a regular part of your relationship, I wouldn't take them as a sign of impending doom. Keep talking and think about relieving some of the external pressures. That's what I think anyway, but what the f@ck do I know?

Would your DH be willing to go to counselling and stop drinking?

Surely they both need to? She hit him in the face!

What was the argument about?

You both need to quit alcohol

Perhaps consider cutting back/retiring sooner. You’re both driving yourselves into an early grave & you won’t have a retirement to look forward to if you’re not careful.

We have done this before. Maybe 5 times over our whole very long relationship. The next day we are hugely apologetic and make up. Still leaves a horrible taste in the mouth though 😢

pretty sure the posts supporting the OP and her assaulting her DH would be totally different if he had hit her first.

neither of us can remember what started the argument 🙈

I can see how the stress of your lives would lead to this, honestly. Me and my partner are rowing so much at the moment from stress so I do sympathise with how drinks can turn it even uglier.
breathe, you’re safe, you’re ok. Not sure why the harsh comments, it sounds like you’re both under a lot of pressure.

Something petty and trivial probably, what jobs do you both do.

Of course they would. There would be no, "but you're working so much, so much pressure."

The man defended himself.

You seem to be ignoring the overwhelming majority of responses advising you both need to stop drinking if you want to stay together. Not acknowledging that you need to stop after assaulting each other suggests alcohol is more of an issue in your life than you think.

Also if he’s drank that amount and he’s now working today in a life or death situation that’s extremely worrying!

Severe stress and too much booze do not mix.
I’m sure you’ve both learnt a valuable lesson.

Also if he’s drank that amount and he’s now working today in a life or death situation that’s extremely worrying!

No kidding.

So as you say what exactly are you looking for here? All you will get is ridicule. If you are a masochist then rock on otherwise I’d request this thread be deleted.

I know. utterly ridiculous. imagine a man posting on here saying he hit his wife but he was under so much pressure working long hours that was the excuse.

There would be no 'awww maybe cut back your hours, cut down on drinking, you will be fine etc etc'

@Underoressure "Still leaves a horrible taste in the mouth though 😢"

I'm sure. I won't attempt any further analysis/diagnosis. I hope you'll get through this together. Good luck.