Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

If you had taken the trouble to read the thread before commenting (or at the very least, the OP's updates) you would have seen that OP has said this has happened 5 times in the last 25 years.

I have been with my DH 20 years we’ve obviously had ups and downs and argued. In the 20 years we’ve been together I’ve never punched him/put my hands on him or him to me and we’ve never screamed at each other in a corner…… 5 times in 25 years is not the norm.

Yes i did see that and changed my mind. I do think the relationship is dodgy for sure.

Firstly both agree to stop drinking. You need to communicate better and talk about “why” this happened and got so out of hand. Stress/work doesn’t really cut it. Are their other issues? Built up resentments etc ? You need to really listen to each other, take time with one talking without the other interrupting. Be vulnerable and honest first this may make him do the same. If this is the first time in 20 years then it’s worth figuring out but do it safely perhaps counselling? Additionally you need to stop prioritising everyone else and prioritise yourselves (easier said than done i hear you say) but if something terrible had happened to you that night what would the others looking to you to fix them have done ?

Which is???

Sounds like too much alcohol triggered both of you. No need for dramas but I’d sit down and discuss the need to avoid excess of alcohol in future.

I also have a sibling who has issues, who I have to emotionally support on a daily basis
you literally don’t. Just like you don’t have to spend 4 hours caring for an abusive father. You’re choosing to. I understand why you are but if it’s getting you to the point were you drink too much to cope (I’m not saying you’re addicted but this is how addictions start) and physically attack your husband, I’d say you’re giving more than you can afford to give.

I have already laid myself bare and told about what happened last night which was horrific. If Im truthful about that why would I lie about anything else?
they’re not saying you’re lying, they’re saying you don’t recognise the issues

I do think the fact that he’s physically intimidating you, not in self defence, is alarming. Presumably he’s larger and stronger than you.

i do actually think 5 occasions is too much, i think one is a bit much really but if it was a wake up call to never do something like that again id get it, but that clearly isn’t the case

I echo other posters who say you need to rethink your lives, you have all this money apparently but you’re still working so much that you attack each other, surely there is a way to reduce some of this. I wouldn’t choose money I’m going to get in two years over my marriage and health (mental and physical) now.

Studies show that domestic violence is higher in families of police officers versus the general population. And that’s based on reported figures, when we know that many victims are reluctant to report let alone those whose partners are in the force they would need to ask for help from. So it’s an even bigger proportion than the statistics already show.

When 8/10 keep their jobs (https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/mar/17/80-percent-of-uk-police-accused-of-domestic-abuse-kept-jobs-figures-show) after being accused of domestic violence, it’s no wonder victims are reluctant to report.

This isn’t any comment on OP’s specific situation, just wanted to be clear that it isn’t just police bashing when people say that domestic abusers are drawn to the profession.

That’s not to say all police are abusers, for clarity. But a higher proportion of the police population perpetrate DV than the general population.

agree with all the other posters asking why if you have lots of money and a lovely life you are still working so hard and putting yourselves under so much stress.

All very well to say "we have so much to look forward to in a couple of years."
Sometimes tomorrow doesn't come. One or both of you could drop down dead or have a stroke or develop a serious illness and never get that stress free retirement. What's the point in living for tomorrow and becoming so stressed you risk it all?

It only would have taken one of you falling at a bad angle and hitting your head when you were fighting or the smashed plaque nicking an artery or even just the neighbours calling the police for your argument to have completely ruined your life.

That's a bit of a leap. The poster said she deserved everything she got. What she got was pushed, not murdered. So one can assume that they didn't mean she deserve to be murdered.

I'll let my son know that...

If he is a police officer he probably already knows. With all the reviews of the MET police , police brutality, corruption, and incompetence its not kept very quiet.

Exactly this.

When people drink they tend to say what they have bottled up and true feelings. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and acts as a sort of truth serum in many ways. The fact that it turned violent is very alarming and telling. Five violent fights like this in 25 years is not normal. One fight like this is not normal. Arguing yes, screaming and violence no.

You say you have a lovely life but then in another post say how upset you were when he was downloading porn while your mum was dying and you have never gotten over it. This sounds like anything but lovely. Having money, going on dates and having holidays in the Caribbean does not mean the relationship is good.

You both clearly need counseling, individual and couples. You may say you don't need it but you are essentially on a place like MN as a form of informal therapy. In the 27 years I have been with my DH we have never laid a hand on each other. If I hit him in the face I would fully expect him to leave me. There is absolutely no excuse for violence.

Many, many people in my family are in the police.

I love them dearly and they are good people who entered the force to help people.

They all, without exception, agree that the force attracts a disproportionate number of abusive men in comparison to the general population.

Statistics and research, in multiple countries, corroborates this.

I’m baffled as to why you find it somehow insulting to your son if he is a good man, which I am sure he is.

If you do share the post with him, he will very likely agree (like my many relatives in the police) that it’s true.

If he doesn’t believe it’s an issue in the force then he either hasn’t worked in it for very long or is being wilfully blind to the issue as it’s widely acknowledged throughout the force.

If any man ever punched me even if it was first time there would be no counseling , it’s domestic violence and I’m out.

Same, sad to see so many on here saying 'oh poor you op! What did he do to make you punch him!'

Exactly, is it was the husband who punched her they wouldn’t be saying counselling they would be saying call the police and woman’s aid and get out. Drinking is no excuse. Sounds toxic

Nope. "Sure people will say LTB but if you display physical violence to someone you should expect it back."

Men can kill women with a single punch. She's trying to pretend a woman hitting a man is the same as a man hitting a woman. It's not.

Would I blame a man for lashing out and slapping a woman back once in a reflex reaction if she slapped him? Actually, no. I do not respond at all well to any sort of physical attack, I will definitely hit you back if you hit me, mainly due to PTSD. It is an instantaneous reaction and although I have had therapy for PTSD which has worked quite well, there is no way to prevent that reflex reaction. Fortunately, people don't tend to go around hitting me much these days.

But, as you know, the person I responded to was conflating male with female violence. A man can kill or permanently disable a woman with a single punch, and it's not in any way an unrealistic fear.

A woman hitting a man in the face almost never leads to anything except a bruise. That can't be disputed, and I was right to ask the question.

No I don't think so. She was talking about this specific situation she wasn't talking about male violence versus female violence. In this specific circumstance the original poster punched her husband and he shoved her. He didn't murder her or even come close to murdering her so it wasn't a valid question.

Nope, you're wrong, already asked and answered.

No. This doesn't make any sense. A "normal" healthy couple don't suddenly start physically fighting, there's more to this.

Do you physically abuse any other people, or is your DH the only victim?

It's interesting that your immediate response to your victim defending themselves was to call the police, again, classic behaviour of a serial DV perpetrator, no doubt you were going to portray yourself as the victim. You are the reason why so many men don't report DV.

You need to seek help for your violent behaviour, you're DH need to get out of this relationship ASAP. If you've attacked him once (and tried to place the blame on him) you'll do it again, and again, and again.