Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

You can't work 7 days a week, 365 days of the year, whilst having caring duties for 2 relatives long term.... something has to give. None of your efforts will be as good as they could/should be sobitsva bit pointless anyway.

DH shouldn't be drinking himself daft then working in a "life and death" role thereafter, as surgeon, air traffic cobtrol, or lorry driver. It's likely to lead to errors, dismissal, etc.

Being fully retired by 60 is an enormous privilege. But what are you sacrificing on the way? Cut your work hours - both of you. A soft landing into retirement is generally seen as healthier anyway.

Stop drinking

My word, all you critics must be very superior human beings who have never got drunk and behaved badly. I see two people under a lot of stress, who are rightly shocked and appalled at having hit each other. OP has now discovered, or been reminded, that alcohol doesn’t mend as much as it damages.

I must be the scum of the Earth as I really sympathise with you, OP!

It really sounds like time to cut down your working hours (and alcohol intake), take a harder line with abusive father and recognise that the workload feels heavier as you get older. You haven’t got all the strength and resilience you had when you were younger. People retire because they’re tired.

Look on the fight as a warning that you have to stop pushing yourselves. Can you buy in any helpful services eg a cleaner, gardener, someone to do the ironing? Healthy ready-meals from M&S?

Best of luck, and look after yourselves xx

Why do people post this kind of thing? I have already laid myself bare and told about what happened last night which was horrific. If Im truthful about that why would I lie about anything else? 90% of the time we are golden. We have no money worries, we go out for dates, we go out for meals, we go to the Caribbean every year, we take other long haul holidays and we have an absolute hoot. What would be the point in lying?

Do they have some sort of works counselling system he could use? Sounds like it might be useful.

I just cannot get my head around the idea of people who have a "good relationship" getting to this point.

I was with my ex for 10 years and we had some absolutely insane life stuff happen, we also got in each other's way constantly and had some awful times but we never lay a finger on each other, or ever called each other names. How the fuck does this escalate like this?

Also how shallow do you have to be to live such a tightly wound stressful life that you're bloodying your floors, all so - what? You can have a naice house and spend your 60s on cruises? Is that the idea?

I presume therapy is offered as part of his job? Sounds like he needs to seriously engage with that.
No one person is more important than anyone else, least of all an abusive parent, so do less there as your health and your marriage is suffering. But your husband has to do his bit, and then some.

Happy to say that I've never physically attacked my DH, not he me. I wouldn't say that made me superior though 😂

Thank you for this xx

I don't understand how you are both working so much if you are financially comfortable. Working 7 days a week on the idea that you can retire soon is crazy. What are you going to do when you retire? You'll suddenly have nothing to do. Why can't you both just go part time?

But the 90% of your life thats lovely and features restaurants and holidays is worthless compared to such a shocking 10%. Its not a good relationship or a good life

@LeftieRightsHoarder so you often get pissed and assault others then? My word, all you critics must be very superior human beings who have never got drunk and behaved badly...
There's behaving badly and there's being a violent drunk!

Why are you looking after an abusive father?

Stop drinking alcohol then reassess the situation and you'll notice a big difference.

"We only ever argue like this if we are drunk. We do drink too much. I think it’s as a stress reliever."

The irony is that it's actually creating stress not relieving it.

Clearly neither of you can hold your drink! Just don’t drink is the simple answer

I did think he was in the police - I've known several coppers with control issues.

I'd advise him to access his works counselling service and for you to seek out your own help.

Because you’re drip feeding things. Your OP says your relationship is great. Go down a few posts and suddenly this mental fight you had has happened 5 times before, he corners you in a toilet and makes terrible comments to you about lying to accuse someone of rape.

Cant you see that your apparent money status, holiday destinations and meals out mean nothing when, behind closed doors, that other stuff is happening?

You're kidding yourself. A typical Mr & Mrs Jones style relationship where you keep up appearances to the neighbours but actually drink too much, speak to each other like shit and are violent.

I don't believe you don't remember what he said when you assaulted him.

If it was bad enough to hit him then you'd remember it.

Heavy drinking (especially in your fifties) is never going to end well.

Did you put your back out with that reach?

That’s 5 times more than I have in 25 years🤷‍♂️

To be fair, from the bits I remember I actually started the argument last night. He was talking to me about somebody at work that was grieving because their father had died, and they took about two months off work. It just threw me right back to when my mum died and I didn’t get any time off work, and furthermore when I was away tending to her when she was dying he was at home downloading porn. I have never got over it.

Another Team OP here. Haven't other posters ever realised that the people we are closest to, and feel safest with, are often the ones we are horrid to because we can let off steam safely because we trust each other and the relationship? Not wishing to encourage physical violence of course, but this was a vent of steam which seems to have been resolved amicably, and one which recurs very seldom in a long (and there is no reason why it shouldn't be happy) marriage.

I think possibly the best thing would be to go to couples counselling and deconstruct last night and how you both got to a point where you were so triggered. I would use your date night time for this as an investment to protect your relationship going forward.
The situation you describe is extreme for a couple who are normally very happy, TBH its extreme by abusive relationship standards. I do think you need some proper help so you can come to terms with it all, my fer would be it gets brushed under the carpet.