Horrific argument with DH

[Underoressure]

I’ve no idea how last night got so out of hand. Normally our relationship is great. We are mid 50’s, both have good jobs, a lovely house, plenty of money. But we are both under pressure. His job is life or death work, and he’s aching for retirement. I’m self employed and work 7 days a week. I also have an elderly parent who needs me a lot and it’s tough.

Last night we drank far too much. We ended up rowing (rare) and it escalated to the point where I hit him in the face and he pushed me to the ground. I threatened to call the police so he took my phone off me and wouldn’t give it back. This meant I could not set my morning alarm. Cue more arguing and he finally gave it back.

We slept in separate beds. This morning there was evidence of a struggle, a wall plaque was on the floor and smashed and there’s a tiny amount blood smeared on a bathroom tile (we don’t know whose). His face is sore and I have a bruise on my arm.

We are both mortified. We’ve made up, kissed and cuddled and blamed the highly stressful lifestyle, something just snapped. We’re on the verge of a wonderful retirement together and getting the police involved and us both being arrested would have been catastrophic for our travel plans etc.

He is now doing a late shift at work and I’m still dumbfounded as to how we’ve been so stupid.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it felt good to just write that down.

Have you actually read all of OP's posts? This is not a once-off event. This violence has happened 5 times before.

I'm not without sin but I have never, in my whole adult life, hit anyone. It is not normal or ok to assault your spouse (multiple times!). OP is in complete denial about how serious this all is.

You also seem intent on sweeping it under the rug. So if I'm stressed it's ok if I hit people? If my husband is stressed it's ok if he throws me to the ground? 5 times?

Terrifying to think of men like this being a father.

terrifying to think of women like the Op, who genuinely think…. Hey what is the big deal if 5x in a 25 year marriage I have a drunken violent brawl with my husband being a mother

Sorry, I meant to quote @leftierightshoarder

Is he fit to continue in this role? Seriously he should seek help at work for his stress. They’ll sort out counselling and perhaps make adjustments or move him to another job.

Well, I would say that alcohol id the facilitator here, although not the root cause.
You sound like you are both alcohol dependent not just drinking too much.
I have a friend who had a very responsible job and last week was found drunk on the floor outside of our local Tesco by his own mother. Drinking the way you are now can end that way very easily.
I don’t think you are that golden. Yes, you are both stressed but there are clearly things in your mind that are causing you pain. Him downloading poor while you were looking after your dying mother is just one flashpoint.
If you both don’t give up drinking, now, these joking outbursts will continue until someone ends up badly hurt, or dead. Don’t think it can’t happen to you.

If it was a one off and totally out of character for you both, just try and put it behind you. If it happens again, then you both need to seek some sort of therapy.

RTFT. This is the 5th or 6th time.

Don't drink so much. People get stupid when drunk and inhibitions go out the window. Set a limit on how much you can each drink in an evening, next time someone could get really hurt, obviously you both don't handle alcohol well if you both turn to violence and you were violent first.

I used to get stupid argumentative if I drank too much, but it's never tipped into physical violence or breaking things, I'm a bit more sensible these days.

Wow maybe you need some therapy too with such a reaction over a mumsnet post.....RTFT!?!? Nice

RTFT means Read The Full Thread. ie read all of the OP's posts/replies before posting. Because they often add other things. Her husband has attacked her several times before she said, and told her she is the type to be raped. He was also downloading porn while her mother was dying.

So that's why people say Read The Full Thread before replying because otherwise you miss the full story.

What is wrong with that? Your reaction is way over the top.

@MightlySlad Her husband has attacked her several times before she said, and told her she is the type to be raped. He was also downloading porn while her mother was dying. He is pure scum.

A needless reply. Focus on the OP

'Plenty of money'
Change work or cut down hours. Have less money and less stress. Time to calm down and relax and go to therapy! Individually and then maybe together.

The arguing and physical violence aside, I’m pretty surprised that your husband drank so much last night to become verbally and physically abusive and yet has managed to go into a job that consists of ‘life or death’ situations this morning! I sincerely hope he didn’t drive to work (imagine he probably did though) 😳

The OP does not give the full story. Her follow up posts are. Which is why it is mumsnet etiquette to read all of the OP's responses before posting otherwise replies are not relevant.

Thanks. I stand corrected.

I wouldn’t be surprised if OP was carrying on drinking the crate of wine last night which is why she let slip so many identifying things and is now probably too embarrassed to come back.

Although nothing appears to be enough of a wake up call that they should stop drinking.

New to mumsnet @Lavendarblue82

best to select “read all” before posting, especially on one involving a violent interaction between a couple

It doesn't actually matter who said what or why. You do not hit someone.

This relationship is fucked up, caribbean holidays or not.

Material things does not equal a healthy relationship.

OP, do you actually want help? What was the reason for your post? You must know deep down that this isn't right or normal.

You have already proven to be an unreliable narrator with the false details given about that specific case. So perhaps consider that you are lying to yourself as well as to strangers on the internet. What else are you twisting in an attempt to justify what is happening in your relationship?

You say you have a good marriage.

Apart from the 5 or more violent altercations.

Apart from the fact you punched your husband in the face.

Apart from the fact he threw you to the floor.

Apart from the fact he's cornered you and screamed in your face.

Apart from the fact that you say you'll never forgive him for being sat at home looking at porn while your mother was dying.

Apart from the fact he's said unforgivable things to you in the past.

Apart from the fact you're both getting so black out drunk on a random Monday night that you can't remember what you were arguing about or why there's blood in the bathroom.

I could go on.

All of the Caribbean holidays and money in the bank and the laughs together during the good times doesn't mean this relationship isn't completely toxic.

If you know that getting pissed can lead to domestic violence in your home then why have you kept drinking? Why are you unwilling to reply to the posters telling you to stop consuming alcohol? I know why and so do you.

There's help out there, but you do need to be honest with yourself first.

Yes, you’re right. Having read the OP’s updates, the marriage is unstable and toxic.

The op just seems to believe her dh that because he used to be a frontline pc and witnessed some distressing situations that his behaviour is now to be expected.

It isn't. He'll have had loads of workplace counselling and now is in an office based job doing dispatch work. I'm not suggesting that his feelings are to be minimised but his behaviour must not be enabled because he saw 'life and death' stuff in his previous role.

He needs to stop drinking, seek more therapy and retire.

Why am I not surprised that a violent drunk who assaults his wife used to be a police officer…

Sorry I haven’t read all the replies but I did read all of OP ‘s comments. The main thing is I didn’t get the feeling that either person was being coercively controlled. I think you both have equally fiery temperaments and a tendency to go too far. It might be worth some counseling to learn how to communicate better. So it doesn’t happen again. You hopefully have enough together to get you through it and stay together. You’re just both dealing with horrendous life pressure at the moment. Counselling might help with that too. Like you were saying OP, in a few years he will be retired and things might be easier for you too at work (can you improve things there) and you need help caring for your family members. Yes violence isn’t great, but the worse thing is an unequal power dynamic in a relationship.

And it's a job that attracts a certain type of man.