I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

I wouldn't tell him. Your marriage will probably end if you do. Just move on.

Ofgs don't tell him, get yourself to the clinic to ensure you picked up no nasties. Until you get the all clear avoid sexual contact with your husband. Assuming you are all clear, accept that you made a poor decision to remain alone in a bar after copious amounts of alcohol which led to you hurting your family.

This is your cross to bear and yours alone, please don't tell him and burden him with the responsibility of your guilt.

Also, I had a full STD panel done and it came back negative.

So in your vows, did you say “as long as you’re fit”?

ok, I know, you asked us not to give you a hard time, but I really don’t know why body types had to come into this.

ridiculous. Tell him, so he has the choice whether to leave you or not.

stop going on about his weight. That’s utter bullshit. Either find a way to love him as he is, or let him go. You sound so fucking shallow.

Don't tell him , a drunken mistake which will cause so much upset if you confess.

Ps. Ken is a complete twat and looks are not an excuse to cheat.

I would ask why you want to tell him? I once read that telling someone you had an affair is normally to allay your guilt rather than about being honest with the other person. Newsflash, it doesn't allay your guilt, it just ruins lives.

My advice would be to forget about it, and never, ever risk your relationship like this again.

You’d only be telling him to assuage your guilt by the sounds of it.

is your friend likely to say anything? If not, I would not tell him unless you feel it would eat you up inside. You are already addressing matters and sound horrified by your actions. Put your energy into improving your marriage. Good luck x

I know I deserve this type of rebuking. I just want to clarify that my main concern was his health (he is a type 2 diabetic due to his weight). I want him to be healthy and be around for his family (or at least our daughter if he decides to kick me to the curb, which I know I deserve). I don't know if his weight had anything to do with what I did, maybe subconsciously, but I do love my husband very much. He is the best man I have ever known. Makes me feel special, takes great care of the family, very loving.... I can't figure out why I would do this to him. Very ashamed of myself.

@Newnamehiwhodis marriage vows should also have a clause stating I promise to try to look after my own health and appearance , unfair on the partner to completely let yourself go intentionally. Appearance does play a part in relationships for most people

I know looks are not an excuse to cheat, and I don't even know if that was the reason I cheated. I am used to getting hit-on as that is part of being a female in our society. I don't know why I did this. I know it is very selfish and slutty and many other things. I know I messed up big time. I am hoping to save our marriage.

Maybe it is the guilt that is eating me alive. I also want to come clean to him as he deserves to know how I made a poor choice, risked our marriage, health and future together.

I don't think she will say anything, but I am not 100% sure. Her dad had cheated on her mom, and she hated him for it. I don't know if this has built up any resentment on her part for me. Things seem normal and we are still best friends (outside my friendship with my husband). I do think about this sometimes, and it may be another reason i want to tell him before he hears the news from someone other than me.

Please don't tell him. Forget about it.

This is one of these MN double standards threads.

I also wouldn’t tell him. Yes it was a terrible thing to do, but it sounds like it’s not something you’d repeat. It could blow your life up. Deceit is not good, but in this situation I feel like it’s better to keep quiet. As long as you’re sure your girlfriend won’t say anything. If there’s a chance of this, then maybe you do need to tell your DH. But if not, keep quiet and learn to forgive yourself.

Were you too pissed to give consent?

Do you genuinely think you were sober enough to consent to sex?

A young man buying an already drunk woman shots and refusing to leave her alone until they have sex sounds like something a lot darker than a one night stand to me.

Are you ok?

Oh, I did not say “slutty” I do not think it was slutty, because I think it’s healthy to have sexual urges.
I think the alcohol lowered your inhibitions.
I think since you don’t remember it, it may not have even been something you truly wanted.

but if you were a man saying this and bringing your wife’s fat into it, believe me, I’d react just as fiercely.

and I do understand, if he is diabetic that is scary af.

I feel so sad for him, this lovely man who takes care of you.

maybe see a therapist to figure out what’s best to do.

It's not a popular opinion on MN, but lust / desire for excitement can be overwhelming and alcohol lowers the inhibitions. Your actions were not evil, temptation got the better of you. In an ideal world no one would succumb to infidelity but you are a human being and it happened.

I'm all for being honest but in this situation I don't think you should tell your husband. You seem truly remorseful and there's no reason to inflict pain on your DH nor to potentially break up your family. You won't be the first or last woman to have done something like this.

Perhaps some individual counselling to help you deal with your guilt would be useful.

That’s what I’m beginning to wonder.

So sorry but I don't understand your question. At some point I must have consented as we started kissing at the bar. I don't remember all of it, but I recall flashes and fill in the gaps myself.

Get an std test,
and don’t tell him yet. See a therapist and heal. Yeah, stopping drinking is good, and if you ever tell him it can be the truth, that you don’t remember and it’s why you’re not drinking.

but prior posters are right- telling can stick someone with harm that it’s best to choose wisely. If you think you’re in danger of doing this again, then maybe it’s best to tell for health reasons.