I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

If she was that pissed she wouldn’t remember it, so that suggests she was able to make a decision

Don't tell him, that's really only to absolve your own guilt. Start focusing on your marriage.

I'm absolutely howling at the double standards here.

Your marriage is doomed OP.

Thanks so much! I know I was in a compromised situation and someone took full advantage, but I made a choice to start kissing him. I am so depressed about this and want to let my husband know the truth. He deserves it!

You can’t give consent if you’re so drunk thst your memory is affected, surely?

How drunk was ‘Ken’?

100%.

A bit rich to use his weight against him when you have what sounds like ongoing issues with alcohol. You want him to be healthy but what about you? Grim.

Is it ever! If it was the other way round, the gallows would be being built and the rope got ready by response number 2.

In his position I would would want to know (been there), but it won’t happen.

I genuinely don’t think you can give full consent when you’re so far gone.

I’d tell my husband, because I’m the sort of person things like this eat away at, but I’d not go in with “I’m a slut, I betrayed you, you’re fat’” version you’ve given on here,

I’d tell him exactly why I’ve given up alcohol, and take it from there.

I’m sorry this happened to you and your family. It’s not a choice you were in a position to make, and I believe you were exploited.

Yes, you should be ashamed. You’re married with a child. How disrespectful to both your DH and your DD. You need to tell your husband and, if he’s got any self respect, then he’ll kick you out and take your DD with him.

I loathe cheats.

She’s stopped drinking.

I am never going to do this again. I will never put myself in a compromised situation and that is why I have given up drinking. I just feel overwhelming sadness for my husband and for what I have done to his trust.

Feel better for that?

Well done for stopping the alcohol. No need to tell your husband about your one night stand. You'd be doing it for your sake , not his. You have to live with the guilt but it will gradually fade so focus on your marriage and staying sober.

He had a few shots with me, but don't know if he was drinking before he arrived. I definitely gave consent as I started kissing him. I do remember that part. I feel so ashamed.

I know, right?? If it was a cheating husband on here everyone would be screaming that he MUST tell his poor wife.

Mumsnetters are all feminists until it doesn’t suit their narrative. Disgraceful.

Totally fair. I am not sure if his weight did actually have anything to do with it, it may have subconsciously. My main concern is his health as he is type2 diabetic due to his weight. I want him to be around for his daughter and me if he decides to stay together.

You’ve given up alcohol and had a health screen. I’d complete the very sensible practical steps you’ve taken by going to see a counsellor and talking through what happened and how best to disclose it, should you choose to.

Take no notice of the Judgmental Jackies on here. They live for these threads so they can stick the boot in, and you sound ashamed enough. Self-flagellating won’t help your family.

If you truly love your dh and have learned your lesson then telling him is cruel imo.
It will almost certainly end your marriage.
Women will often forgive infidelity, men rarely do. Subconsciously men see women as their possessions.

A man I knew had an affair and decided to come clean and expected his dw to be understanding and forgiving.
His dw said ‘ I think you should know, I had an affair too.’
Funnily enough my friend wasn’t understanding and forgiving once the tables were turned.

Why does being a Christian affect what you would do? Are you scrupulously honest about everything, even if it would hurt somebody else and potentially ruin a marriage?

Really? Sure we may all not look the same as we did, but I think it's fair if morbidly obese is a bit off a turn-off if originally he was fit. You're being UR!

I feel better for giving my opinion on OPs disgusting behaviour. Let’s face it, a cheating husband on Mumsnet would have got far worse that that.

Kindly, if you want to show strength, resilience and contrition, then don’t tell him as this may make you feel better but will possibly destroy him and your family. Resolve to never let the situation happen again and work to make your marriage stronger if you truly love your husband.

However, it seems likely that your friend may tell someone else and this is the danger as something may get back to him. If it does and your husband speaks to you then of course you should be completely honest with him.

Sometimes we do crazy, stupid things that we deeply regret and then we think why on earth did I behave like that? This doesn’t make you a terrible person so stop beating yourself up and try to find the courage to move on.

I wish you luck with it all.

I have been extremely pissed and still remember what I’ve done, it’s horrible to be able to, literally never woken up not knowing. So I can well believe Op does remember but was heavily inebriated.

Honestly I’m not sure you should tell your husband, If you have never done this before and are at no risk of starting an affair. But given you seem really upset about this I’m not sure you are going to be able to live with yourself unless you do.

Just give it some serious thought though, you could blow up your life over this.

I deserve it. I am ready to pay the price. I am hoping to keep our family together and get forgiveness from my husband. I will make it up to this man any way I can. He will probably never forget, but maybe someday he can forgive. If that is not in my future, I will understand. I know I made a terrible choice, and the pain it will cause my husband will probably destroy our marriage.